Hair

I am reminded of a scene in Little Women when Amy says to Jo after she cuts her hair, "Your one beauty." That is how I feel about my hair. I don't really see myself as much to look at, but the one thing I do think is attractive about myself is my hair. And maybe even my eyes. I have been blessed with good hair, and have only had one bad haircut (last year). But because of that haircut, I have been nervous about getting my hair cut again. But, it was time. What do you think?
Before (with Matthew)

After

From Back

It is the shortest I have ever had it, but I am thinking I might just like it.

Laughter

They say that laughter is the best medicine. Well, I believe it! And baby laughter is music to the soul! Andrew has been laughing since he was about a month old- in his sleep. And then a few weeks ago, he started laughing in response to Paul and I. I had the hiccups the other day and he was laughing hysterically. It was the only time I really liked having the hiccups. He has begun playing peek a boo, where he lays in the crook of my arm and turns his head into my arm and swings his head around and smiles. When he first started doing it, I thought he was tired, but then I realized he was playing. He started laughing when I say peek a boo. He loves that game. Paul was singing to him and there was this part where Paul was putting his face close to Andrew's face and he thought that was so funny and was giggling. Andrew also likes the game where we lean him forward to kiss his forehead. After a couple times, he will start leaning toward you to keep doing it. He loves to coo and squeal. He has recently begun squealing in this really high pitched squeal. Sometimes in delight, and sometimes in anger. He coos in response to questions- it is so funny and cute! He has the biggest smile, although I think the camera scares him because whenever I pull the camera out, he goes all bug eyed and scared looking.

Matthew is a little sweetie pie too. He loves to talk to you and has this cute little coo. He smiles when you talk to him and loves having your attention. He started laughing for the first time yesterday. He has cooed in delight or given one laughter/squeal for a couple months now. But yesterday, he was giggling. It was so great. I was changing him into his sleeper, so he was naked, except for his diaper. He LOVES being naked. Every time I change his diaper or his clothes, he starts dancing. He kicks his arms and legs and squirms his whole body in different directions, while smiling and cooing. It is so funny. And yes, he is the one who has the braces on his legs, but he manages! Yesterday, during his naked dancing, I was tickling his stomach by dancing my fingers over his tummy and up to his neck, and he started giggling hysterically. It was great. We did that over and over for about 15 minutes. It was so fun!

Matthew has also found his thumb and he LOVES it! He sucks it all of the time and is just so cute sucking on it. Andrew is still looking for his thumb. For now, it is the fist. I am confident that with time, he will find it! :)

What do you want to be when you grow up?

What do you want to be when you grow up? For as long as I can remember the answer to that question has always been a mommy. More specifically, a stay-at-home mommy. When I was little, however, I didn't realize there was a difference. My mom always stayed home with us- she worked out of our home. I didn't realize mothers worked outside the home. However, I soon came to realize that this was an unacceptable answer. I must have bigger dream, better aspirations than to be a stay at home mom. And, as my wise father pointed out, what happens if that is not possible. What is my back up plan? So that answer turned to being a teacher. So that is the answer I gave to the feared question of what do you want to be? But that never connected to what I really wanted to do.

I recently came across an old yearbook from my senior year. In it had the question, "Where do you see yourself in 10 years?" My answer: "I see myself being married to a pastor, working in ministry next to him, have five children, and driving a Chevy blazer." I know, I know, a Chevy blazer! What in the world!?! It has now been 11 years since I graduated high school, and none of those dreams have come true. My vision for myself in my youth is not the same as my reality. Oh, and I don't think I wrote it down, but my vision for myself was to be thin as well. Blew yet another aspiration! If we rewind a year, to the ten year mark, I was not driving the car of my dreams, had no children with no hope of having children, and did not have the profession of my dreams, my husband didn't have the job I wanted him to have, and I was fat.

Oh the difference a year makes. I still don't drive the car of my dreams (although, it is no longer my dream car), my husband doesn't have the profession I thought he would (although, that is no longer important to me), I don't have 5 kids. BUT, I do have two wonderful children whom I love adoringly. I am pretty sure I no longer want 5 kids. I'm still fat. BUT, my husband and I have worked it out that I will be able to be a stay at home mom. At 2:01pm today, I will officially be a stay at home mom. The premise of my dreams have come true. Not every specific detail has happened or will happen, but what was most important to me as a child, teenager, young adult has now come into play, and I am thrilled.

Although I am giving up my career willingly, I have to admit, I had a twinge of regret over giving up my job. Maybe not regret- maybe sorrow, a little grief. I have worked hard to be where I am at today. Once I got to college, I took education courses and realized I didn't like it. My psychology courses were a much better fit. I think it helped me come to terms with my difficult childhood and I wanted to help others with a past similar to mine. I wanted to work with children. In my master's of counseling work, I aspired to be a family counselor. Yet I hated the one job where I worked with families (although it was in their homes, and that could be the reason). A few jobs later, I look back and realize that I have not really been satisfied with any job I had. But, I was working toward a goal of being a licensed counselor, and maybe once that goal was accomplished, I could find a job that would suit me better instead of the ones I have held that weren't the best fit for me.

I wrestled over giving up my job. I would have liked to have worked one day a week or when my coworkers were on vacation- filling in now and then. I didn't want to give it up completely. I have a hard time saying goodbye to things. I latch on pretty tight, and have to make a mental disconnect before I am willing to let things go. I have to go through a mourning period. I am going to miss my coworkers most of all. I am not sure how it is with other jobs, but in the human services field, you really rely on your coworkers and become friends with them. They understand you like no one else, because they do the job too. And the job is draining. But just that little bit of understanding goes a long way.

So yes. I give up my job willingly. And doing so helps to fulfill my longtime dream of staying home with my children. I love my babies so much! They are so sweet and wonderful! I am a little nervous that I will never come back to this career that I have spent so much time and energy investing in. Although, like my dreams from high school are different now, my dreams for my life in 10 years will probably be different than they are now. However, the one dream that has remained constant is the dream to be a stay at home mom, and to shape my children's character to be good people who love God and are committed to Him and love others.

This begins a whole new chapter in my life. I am excited and scared all at the same time. I am very grateful to my husband who is willing to make sacrifices and work hard to make this dream a reality. And I am thankful to God who has provided and given us a way so that I can stay home.

Phone Phobia

I hate talking on the phone. More specifically, I hate calling anyone on the phone. I'm not sure what it is, but when I reach for the phone to call someone, I get this overwhelming sense of panic and fear. I never have anything interesting to say. And I feel like if you are calling someone, that person is the conversation initiator, thus topic picker. And I have no topics. Other than, you should see how much Matthew has pooped today. But who wants to talk about that?

I literally rehearse what I am going to say before I call people, and imagine the different scenarios of the conversation. Sad, I know. I usually don't even muster up the courage to call the person. Mostly because I can't get past the "How are you" in my scenario.

I don't even like calling the pizza man, and that is an easy thing to do: "Large cheese for pick up. Last name Oakley." But I always make Paul call. Come to think of it, I make Paul call pretty much anywhere. It is so weird, but my brain freezes up and I can't think of anything to say-witty banter or otherwise.

It's different when someone calls me. I am more relaxed, as I don't have time to over think it. Plus, I don't have to lead the conversation. I am a better follower than a leader. And Rachel (my sister), I am fine calling you, but we are best friends, and somehow it is different.

Part of the difficulty, I think, is because I can't see people's reactions to what I am saying. I play off of people. You can't see smiling or an eye roll on the phone. So I am never sure if I am annoying someone or hurting their feelings, or interrupting them. A long silence in person is much different than a long silence on the phone.

I can't tell you how many times I have said I was going to call someone, and then chicken out. And then I am so embarrassed, that I don't even try anymore. At times, I even isolate because of how embarrassed I am. Friendships have been strained due to this ridiculous fear.

I am trying to remember when this started, and I can't. I remember when I was 7, and went to call my mom at her friend's house after watching a scary movie (Cone heads... I know, not scary, but I was 7, and it was scary to see all those heads in a cone shape). I was fully prepared for her friend to answer the phone, but her son did. I got all flustered and instead of asking for my mom, I asked for Beberly (her name was Beverly, ha ha), and when her son asked who it was, I froze. I didn't know what to say. I know, I know. MY name, but I just couldn't.

Oh well. I guess my point is, please don't be offended if I don't call you. It doesn't mean I don't like you or that I am avoiding you. I just have issues with the phone.

Good baby?

I often get asked if my babies are good babies. This is a very confusing question for me... how does one determine what makes a good baby or a bad baby. I always answer yes, and always think that there is no other answer to give.

Yes, my babies cry a lot. More than I thought humanly possible. But does that make them bad babies? Crying is the only way babies have to communicate. My babies have a lot to say, and have very strong opinions about whatever it is they are communicating. But they are babies. They can't say, "I'm feeling lonely right now. Will you hold me?" or "I would rather be walked around so that I can see everything. Rocking is nice, but it isn't really what I want right now." or "I really want to go to sleep, but I am afraid that I will miss precious moments with you, Mommy." No, they cry. Scream, even, especially if you've guessed wrong. But that doesn't make them bad.

At times I get frustrated, but I have to remind myself that they have no other way to communicate with me. They are absolutely precious, and I love my sweet babies. They are good babies. But I don't believe that there are any bad babies.

I don't think people really understand what they are asking- they don't ask the question in reverse. But it still upsets me a little, that someone would imply that my babies are not good babies.

Thrush

I have never had a yeast infection until I had my babies. Ever! In 28 years! I thought I was homefree. And then, I had the boys. I had strep when I had the boys, so I took meds for that and got a yeast infection. It was treated, and no big deal.

Two weeks later, I had to have an emergency D&C due to part of the placenta still in my uterus, and to prevent infection, I was given another round of antibiotics. Ok, whatever. However, I developed a yeast infection. Only, it wasn't like the last one. It developed in my nipples, which made breastfeeding horrible. I seriously considered going to formula, and if you know me at all, you know that I am a big breastfeeding fan (but not the judge you if you use formula kind). I just always knew I wanted to breastfeed my children, and even bought books on how to breastfeed twins. I was (and am) bound and determined. So when I was ready to give up, I knew something was wrong. I was crying every time they sucked and was cursing under my breath at how horribly painful it was. I called the doctor, and they said I had a yeast infection. Ugh. So, I went on meds, and I called the pediatrician to get the boys on meds so that we would all be treated and get rid of it.

I thought everything had gone well, but apparently, something was looming and I just didn't realize it. At my 6 week check up, we noticed that Andrew's tongue was white. The doc looked and said he had thrush. So we treated him immediately, but apparently, it was too late for me, because I got yet another yeast infection. I was treated, and we continued treating Andrew. I thought we had finally nixed it, so we discontinued the meds.

And you guessed it: the saga is not over. Apparently, Andrew's thrush crept back up, he gave it to me, and I gave it to Matthew. So we are all suffering over here. I got meds for me and both boys, and I am utterly frustrated. It looks like Matthew's is over, mine is gone, but Andrew is still struggling with this stupid thrush.

I am so frustrated. It is ridiculous! I have had 4 yeast infections in 3 months. I don't know what to do. I am religious about giving him his meds. I have everything written down. And he still has it. I wash EVERYTHING, all of the time. I boil binkies and bottle nipples after every use. I wash my hands constantly. I eat yogurt every day.

What should I do?

Up to 3 months

The week the boys turned 6 weeks old was a big week for us in the Oakley household. We took them to church for the first time to the Christmas Eve service and they did great! And... they started sleeping in their own crib!!!!! It was an amazing experience. I thought it was a fluke, so I didn't go to bed right away, but was so excited to sleep in my own bed. Of course, it was only for a few hours, but that is okay, because, they slept in their own crib!!! And New Year's Eve, they both slept through the night. Of course, due to the fireworks and partying going on outside, I did not get as much sleep, but I was still excited.

Sadly, sleeping through the night did not last. But sleeping on their own did! It is still far better than having to hold them constantly, and I do get more sleep now than I did those first 6 weeks. I am grateful for that, but longing for the day they both sleep through the night. And the hard thing about twins is that just because one is sleeping doesn't mean you get to sleep, because the other twin could be awake and needing you. People always say, "Sleep when the baby sleeps." But that doesn't necessarily help me, because they don't always sleep at the same time. So they both might sleep 7 hours, but I might only get 4 because they don't coincide. Still better than 2 hours, though! I am trying to remind myself to be grateful!

The cute thing about the boys is that I sleep them in the same crib, which they love! I will put them on opposite sides of the crib, and when I check on them a little while later, they will both have scooted themselves to the center of the crib and have smooshed themselves together. It is completely adorable. Since I discovered that, I put them close together, although not touching, so that they don't have a long way to go to connect themselves. Recently, the difficult thing about doing that is that if one baby wakes up, is crying, and getting mad, he will T-bone his brother. Literally. I need to take a picture of it, but I am too busy grabbing the one doing the T-boning so he doesn't wake his brother up. But yeah, he will situate himself, so that he is parallel with his brother, usually against his head, and just slamming into him. Also funny, albeit frustrating if he wakes his brother up!

Another milestone: they started laughing, cooing, and smiling for real. I say smiling for real because they have always smiled in their sleep, since day one. It is the cutest sight. Of course, their faces go blank and confused when I pull the camera out, so I haven't been able to capture the really big smiles.

They love to interact with you. Ask them questions, and they will start cooing. It is like you are having a conversation, which, I guess you are. They also smile really big when they have your full attention. Laughing is rare, and not for a long time (I think they surprise themselves!).

Andrew is funny. He will be nursing, and I will be looking at him. He'll catch my eye, his eyes will brighten up and he will pull himself off just to smile at me for a minute, maybe give me a coo, and then resume eating.

Matthew gets so excited when it is time to eat. Remember, Matthew has braces on his feet. When he gets laid on the nursing pillow, he will pump his arms and his legs in celebration, smiles (sometimes whines), and when he latches on, he grabs my hand with his hand, and digs his fingers in as if to say, "You are not getting away from me!"

They also finally like their bouncy seats. They are little seats that vibrate and have something over them that makes music. The one has bubbles and little fishes in it that spin around. The other has a mirror hanging down and then the sides have stars that light up. They think they are so funny, and have long conversations with those seats. It gives Mommy a nice break to get some things done.

With all their sweet qualities and all the wonderful times we have together, it is not always wonderful. The boys are hard work. There is usually someone crying. I described them as colicky to Paul the other day, and he said that they weren't colicky. There was just someone always crying, but not always the same baby. That might be true, but it works on my nerves just the same. And they don't like to just sit and rock. They insist on walking around. I can't wait until it gets warmer outside so we can go for walks. I think they will love it! But for now, I can usually be found holding both babies and walking around the house just to keep them calm. I am constantly sore, but it is better for my nerves!

Although they both cry when they are tired, Andrew has this high pitched scream and sounds like he is dying or being tortured or both. The worst is when they both are nursing, but Andrew is done and exhausted, but won't let himself go to sleep. He will then start screaming uncontrollably while I am nursing Matthew. So I can't walk around or put him down or anything. He just turns his head and screams into my ear. I try to put my ear to his cheek to drown out the sound. Poor Matthew. He will be nursing and Andrew will start screaming, and Matthew's eyes go wide and looks at Andrew and starts nursing faster (or sometimes refuses to nurse at all). I can only imagine what is going through Matthew's mind when Andrew starts. And Matthew can reach insanely high octaves too. Matthew is a little bit easier to pacify, though. Don't be fooled. They might be cute, but they can go from 0-60 in seconds! They will be happy as a lark one minute and screaming their heads off 5 seconds later. It drives Mommy a little crazy.

Everyone says, "Oh, it won't hurt them to cry." However, both boys now have umbilical hernias from crying so much and so hard. Because they were premature, their stomach muscles didn't have a chance to close the whole way and screaming has caused part of their insides to go through this to the belly button. It sticks way out. My sister commented that it looks like a second penis. I don't think so, but they are quite large. The docs say that there is nothing to be done, and that it should resolve itself in time, but if not, they will have to have surgery to correct it when they are around age 4. We are praying that it will resolve on its own!

It is also hard to get out of the house with them by myself. They are both ridiculously heavy. Even if I carry them out to the car and then put them in their seats- how do I get the van door open while holding both babies? If I carry them in their seats, then I am really sore. And then I have to factor in how long I will be there and if I should even go, because they might be cranky or hungry, and I am not confident in myself to feed them in public, but I hate pumping. Dealing with all of these challenges, I have to ask myself: Is it really worth going out?

I am trying to keep things in perspective and not get so frustrated. After all, they are only babies and crying (screaming) is really the only way they have to communicate with me. I am sure it will get better, only to have different sets of challenges. They are really sweet and I love to cuddle with them and spend time with them. All in all, I think we'll keep them. :)