Lasagna

I am a little lazy when it comes to making lasagna, and I have to say, it tastes so much better now than before when I followed the directions to the T.

In a bowl, combine:

1/2 pound ground beef

1 can tomatoes

1 cup pureed spinach

1 cup shredded cheese

1 cup shredded mozzarella

(add or omit any of your favorite lasagna toppings)

Do not cook the lasagna noodles. Instead... lay the noodles in a 10x13 glass pan (or metal, whatever)- usually three beside each other, then spoon mixture over noodles, making sure you cover the entire noodle, repeat layers 3-4 high, and at the top layer, add a little extra cheddar and mozzarella cheese. It is delicious!

I also made with it garlic cheddar quick bread which was amazing and easy. I got from my friend Sarah (no, not me).

Chili

I have not been as consistent with my recipe postings as I had originally hoped to be. I veered from my list of having chili today and tomorrow and instead had it Monday and Tuesday when it was frigid.

Chili:

In crock pot, combine:
1/2 pound ground beef
2 cans of kidney beans
1 can black beans
half bag of frozen corn
1 can tomatoes
a few shakes of chili powder

cook on low 6-8 hours.

For potato topped chili, make baked potatoes (poke potatoes with fork, wrap in aluminum foil, and bake at 450 for an hour- an hour and a half. Cut potato in half and pour leftover chili from the night before, add dollop of sour cream, perhaps some cheese, and yum!

Anxiety Part II

First of all, let me clear something up from my last post. When I was complaining about people giving me advice, I was not referring to anyone in particular... I was just overwhelmed by all of the advice all at once, and am ridiculously hard on myself. I hope I didn't make anyone feel paranoid, because that was not my intention.

My original intention with this post was to describe how much better my anxiety has been. Once the boys hit about 11 months old, it seemed that they mellowed out a lot and, even when they were/are fussy, it doesn't affect me in quite the same way. Sometimes I still feel like I am not going to make it through the day, but that is not every day, all day.

However, once I put it out there that my anxiety is so much better and how great I feel, it seemed like our finances completely fell apart. It turns out we need to patch the roof ($800), and will soon need to replace the roof, all of our bills hit at once, and the worst thing is that the boys lost their medicaid. I know I am going to be judged big time for admitting that the boys have medicaid as their secondary insurance, but there it is. After spending $7000 on Matthew's clubfeet alone in a 6 month time span, we pursued medicaid, and was approved, and that lifted a huge weight off my shoulders (and yes, I say "my" because Paul says I worry enough for the both of us, so he doesn't worry).

And now that Matthew is due for another set of boots and bars, he of course lost his medicaid. Of course! I am not sure why, and we are under appeal. But this whole thing has me so stressed out, and I am not sure how we are going to make it. There is just so much to worry about.

We are so blessed that I have been able to stay home with the boys for the past year, and I really hope I will be able to continue. I have been racking my brain about things I can do from home- things like babysitting (even for people who work 3rd shift), trying to monetize on this blog, although that is stressing me out because I don't understand the computer language, and looking at other options on the internet, but there are just so many scams.

I would love to end this post saying that I am fine, the anxiety is not getting to me. But the truth is, it is in high gear. I am having trouble sleeping at night due to thinking about this (oh wait, that may be my sick babies, haha), but while I am up with my sick babies I think about this. I dream about it. I'm working on it. I just hope something pans out.

A Game of Chase

Matthew loves it when Paul or myself chase him around the house. He loves it more than being caught. It used to be the other way around- he would giggle whenever we caught him and wouldn't crawl very far until he would stop to be caught again. Now, however, he loves the chase. He loves when we chase after him and will giggle as he is crawling away, looking back periodically to make sure we are still chasing him. (Note: we are not always playing with him when we chase him, but he doesn't know that, or care).

Matthew has now involved Andrew in the game. I don't know if Andrew is aware that Matthew is playing chase with him, but whenever Andrew is on the move, Matthew crawls in front of him, laughing, and will stop periodically to look back to make sure Andrew is still chasing him. Sometimes I think Andrew is in on the game, and sometimes not, but it is so much fun to watch them play chase and to envision how much fun they will have growing up together- constant playmates, best friends.

I'll meet you at your crib

A few mornings ago, after the boys woke up, I put Andrew in Matthew's crib so that I could change Andrew's sheets. I was expecting them both to cry, but instead, they loved it! They were giggling and laughing and playing with each other. It was so cute! Every morning since then, if I pick Andrew up first, he tries to nose dive into Matthew's crib to hang out. It is adorable how excited he gets to be in there.

It kind of reminds me of their early months when they shared what is now Matthew's crib. They would snuggle together and sleep wrapped up in each other. Even if I put them on opposite sides of the crib, I would hear them in the monitor grunting and being restless. When I would check on them, they would inevitably be smooshed into one another, sometimes sucking on each others' hands. Sometimes I miss those days.

Anxiety part I

I guess I realized in high school that I was struggling with anxiety. I got a bad grade on a test and had my first anxiety attack- full blown couldn't breathe, chest pains, thought I was having a heart attack. I went to the doctor and they couldn't find anything wrong with me- probably anxiety, they said. Well, it got worse in college to the point where I was having them almost every day. Anxiety attacks always happened in big crowds, and well, it's hard to stay away from crowds in college.

It got significantly better when I got married. Social situations were still a bit stressful- I would agree to get together with someone, and then about an hour before, regret it and stress out about what we would do, talk about, if I would say something stupid (which, I inevitably do... I have chronic foot in mouth disease!). To be honest, I still get anxious before a social situation, but I am almost always glad I made myself be social afterwards, because I really do love spending time with friends and family. I just get stressed out beforehand, which is frustrating! It's better if I just don't think about it.

I don't think I realized how anxious I was until I became a mother. I had a pretty difficult pregnancy, but I remember being pretty relaxed throughout my pregnancy. Except when people would badger me with questions- then I would get a little stressed. But for the most part, I wasn't too anxious. And then the boys were born and my anxiety hit full blown. Andrew going to the NICU for 8 days and Matthew having club feet and having to go through such intense treatment that made him scream hysterically and then whimper and cry all day and night made it worse. Oh, and the fact that I was getting 2 hours of sleep a day for the first 6 weeks. And breastfeeding wasn't going well. And I was lonely and taking care of two infants essentially by myself with little help. (Paul worked from 4pm-1 or 2am, would come home, shower and stuff, take the boys for 2 hours so I could sleep, and then sleep until about an hour before he left for work, and would hold the boys for a few minutes so I could shower and eat). During this time, the boys got used to me and only me, and pretty much wouldn't go to anyone else, including Paul. When I went back to work for a month, I would call home to hear that they had been screaming all day, Andrew refused to eat, and Paul was stressed. That was a big reason why we decided I would be a stay-at-home mom. I wanted to be a SAHM, though, so I didn't mind too much.

I wasn't too anxious when I was with the boys, but the moment I left them with someone else or put them to bed, it felt like I couldn't breathe. Andrew was very colicky and particular. I didn't make it through a church service until they were 10 or 11 months old, because Andrew would scream hysterically. So I would sit in church, staring at the number box (call system they have for parents), and wait for my number to show up, which it did, every Sunday. The first week they made it through, I was sure the thing was broken. One other time, I was amazed at how well they were doing, and then had a nursery worker come get me because it really was broken. Even leaving them with Paul so I could go to the grocery store left me in such an anxious state. I needed the time away, because you need breaks as a mother! But I knew that leaving meant that they would scream and cry, often the whole time I was gone, and I could not stop worrying, no matter what I did. I would pray, breathe deeply, think about something else... but nothing I did worked.

Nighttime was terrible. Because Matthew was still getting up throughout the night, I would go to bed with such a sense of anxiety because I knew he would start crying and I could not relax enough to go to sleep. I would lay there with such anxiety until he would cry and I would nurse him and then I could usually go to sleep. And the advice on it all was the worst. I would tell someone (or everyone) and it was, "have you tried this, have you tried this, you should do this, you should do that," and I know that people were just trying to help, but it made me so anxious and thinking that they didn't think I was a good mom because my baby wasn't sleeping through the night, or that I was doing something wrong. The thing was, I usually had tried their advice, but it didn't work and I felt like a failure. I have had some perspective, and I know now that they were just trying to help. But I stopped talking about it unless asked, but that just made it worse.

As I look back on it now, I think I had a serious case of postpartum depression. And I think it manifested mostly in my anxiety, although I would get angry at people for no reason at all. I was bitter that I didn't get to have a natural or even vaginal childbirth. OK, that still bothers me, but I am working to get past it. I was jealous of other people who it seemed to come so easily for. Sometimes I would even get angry that I had twins, because they are so difficult and singletons looked so easy. Even hard singletons looked easy because you could at least devote your attention to that baby instead of having to split it up and take care of two difficult babies, by myself. Shame on me, I know. I would even get angry that nobody helped me, which is ridiculous because they are my babies and my responsibility. Even in writing this, I know it's not even true, because people did help me, mainly my sister, and of course, Paul, and a lot of people brought us food- but when you are depressed, your depression lies to you, and that's what happened.

Since the boys have started eating crackers and snacks, around 10 or 11 months old, my anxiety has become a lot less. I now tell any nursery workers or babysitters (oh wait, that's my sister), if they get fussy, hand them a cracker. And they don't cry incessantly anymore. Andrew does sometimes, but it's not constantly, and I can leave him without him crying at all the entire time I am gone. And now that they are on table food, my anxiety has lessened even more. I don't feel the need to rush to get Matthew at night anymore. I will wait to see if he will stop crying, sometimes he does and sometimes he doesn't. I am confident that he will eventually stop, and am OK right now for getting up 1-3 times a night with him. Sometimes it is only one time a night! That is very encouraging for this heart!

Taco Bake

This is a recipe I came up with one day when I felt like tacos, but didn't feel like the traditional kind.

Ingredients:

1 can re fried beans

1 can black beans

1 can kidney beans

1 can tomatoes- drained (optional ingredient)

1/2 bag frozen corn

1 cup shredded cheese (or Colby jack)

1/2 pound ground meat (I chose beef), browned, drained and cooked with taco seasoning.

In a 10*13 baking pan, spread re fried beans on bottom. In large mixing bowl, mix the rest of the ingredients and pour over re fried beans. Bake at 350 for 30-45 minutes. I served mine over chips, but you can eat plain, in a tortilla shell, or with rice. All options are yummy!