Two years ago today, tragedy struck my body and my life as I miscarried our dear sweet Morgan. After years of trying to get pregnant, I was so excited when I finally was, and had so many hopes and dreams answered and beginning for the life of this child. I was nine weeks and two days along, when that fateful day came.
I think my miscarriage really shaped my life and my faith. I still hurt deeply and mourn the loss of my child. I wonder what life would be like if we had another, little older child running around. I wonder if we would still have the twins. More than anything, I miss him/her. I never got to hold that child in my arms, but I will always hold him/her in my heart. I will always remember the day I lost this child- 6-20-08 and I will always remember my due date 1-21-09.
Life is happier now that I have my two miracle babies, and they have repaired so much hurt in my life. They bring such a joy to my life that I never thought possible. But I still miss Morgan, and wish this child was still alive.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Weddings
Last weekend, my husband's brother Stephen got married. As I was sitting in the rehearsal trying to get some good photos, it occurred to me that I could only get the bridesmaids faces (already off to a good start, ha ha). Since I was sitting on the groom's side, I couldn't get any good ones of Stephen's face, and at best, only got his profile. It also occurred to me that it would be this way the following day at the wedding. Which got me thinking...
The bride's family will be taking pictures and get good pictures of Stephen and the groom's family will be taking pictures and will get good pictures of Kristen. And since the bride and groom face each other during the ceremony, it is much like the bride is looking at her husband's family that she is marrying into and accepting all of us as her family, and the same for Stephen to the bride's family.
And of course, that got me thinking of my own wedding day and the still made jokes about how I am the crazy one because I married into the family while all of them were born into the family. But see, when you are dating, engaged, and newly married, you don't realize the implications of marrying into your beloved's family. You are only thinking of your beloved and excited about spending your life with him/her. You don't realize the impact of your spouse's family on your marriage and life.
There are a lot of positives about this reality, for you have another family to love and to love you, a whole group of awesome people that you now fit with, and people who you care about and who care about you. That's the hope anyway! Because you were not born into this new family, you aren't always sure where you fit in, or if the family likes you- at least that's my experience. Of course, that's my MO in life- wondering if people truly do like me, but that's another story. Continuing on...
There is a lot of transition into this reality of marriage as well. The transition period is hard as you learn to leave your family and cleave to your beloved. It is hard for the family to think of you as married and treat you as such, especially if you married young, like my husband and I. Your family still thinks of you as children and treats you as such. And then there is this strange phenomenon where you act as you always did with your family of origin when you are around them. This can be very frustrating to your spouse, especially if it is very different than who you are now as a maturing individual. But you both do it! Usually. For instance, in my family of origin, I was the middle child (and hence, never feeling like I belonged- unfortunately a feeling I still have many times), shy, super sensitive, quiet, and stubborn. I think I have come a long way from those descriptors. I can still be pretty sensitive, although I try not to let things get to me.
Marriage is wonderful. It is very hard, but anything worth doing is hard! It takes a while, even a lifetime to figure each other out, to accept each other for who they are, and to get used to your spouse's family.
All of this because I couldn't get a good picture of Stephen... ha ha.
The bride's family will be taking pictures and get good pictures of Stephen and the groom's family will be taking pictures and will get good pictures of Kristen. And since the bride and groom face each other during the ceremony, it is much like the bride is looking at her husband's family that she is marrying into and accepting all of us as her family, and the same for Stephen to the bride's family.
And of course, that got me thinking of my own wedding day and the still made jokes about how I am the crazy one because I married into the family while all of them were born into the family. But see, when you are dating, engaged, and newly married, you don't realize the implications of marrying into your beloved's family. You are only thinking of your beloved and excited about spending your life with him/her. You don't realize the impact of your spouse's family on your marriage and life.
There are a lot of positives about this reality, for you have another family to love and to love you, a whole group of awesome people that you now fit with, and people who you care about and who care about you. That's the hope anyway! Because you were not born into this new family, you aren't always sure where you fit in, or if the family likes you- at least that's my experience. Of course, that's my MO in life- wondering if people truly do like me, but that's another story. Continuing on...
There is a lot of transition into this reality of marriage as well. The transition period is hard as you learn to leave your family and cleave to your beloved. It is hard for the family to think of you as married and treat you as such, especially if you married young, like my husband and I. Your family still thinks of you as children and treats you as such. And then there is this strange phenomenon where you act as you always did with your family of origin when you are around them. This can be very frustrating to your spouse, especially if it is very different than who you are now as a maturing individual. But you both do it! Usually. For instance, in my family of origin, I was the middle child (and hence, never feeling like I belonged- unfortunately a feeling I still have many times), shy, super sensitive, quiet, and stubborn. I think I have come a long way from those descriptors. I can still be pretty sensitive, although I try not to let things get to me.
Marriage is wonderful. It is very hard, but anything worth doing is hard! It takes a while, even a lifetime to figure each other out, to accept each other for who they are, and to get used to your spouse's family.
All of this because I couldn't get a good picture of Stephen... ha ha.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Conflicted
I have been conflicted lately on the topic of bedtime. For the past month, my boys, usually Matthew, has been getting up 3-7 times a night. This started happening when they figured out how to roll over, which is also when we started sleeping them in separate cribs. I attribute some of this to missing each other. They used to snuggle up close to each other and sleep practically on top of one another. It didn't matter how far apart we slept them from each other, they always found their way to each other to sleep. It was incredibly sweet. And then Matthew began rolling over, and because of his boots and bars, we decided to sleep them in separate cribs so that Matthew didn't clobber Andrew with his braces.
And that was the beginning of the end. Matthew rolls over in his sleep, or wakes up and rolls over- I'm not sure which one. Whichever one it is, he can't roll back over. He hasn't done it without his boots and bars on yet, and I am sure it will take him a little longer to figure it out once he does start rolling both ways. Therefore, he can't fall back to sleep. I have tried letting him scream it out (more on that in a bit), but when I went to check on him, I found him nearly thrashing and hitting his head on the crib. That really scared me. I have tried rolling him back over, which has only worked twice. The one night that I was determined not to nurse him every time he woke up was the night he woke up 7 times.
I am also conflicted about the whole "let them cry it out" thing anyway. In one way, I can see how it can be beneficial. They learn how to self-soothe and then I get to sleep more, which causes a lot of positives in my mood, patience levels, ability to comprehend/concentrate, and my mental health. (Let's face it, it can get depressing not being able to sleep).
On the other hand, I want my babies to know that they can trust me to be there for them when they need me. I am supposed to be an example for God for my children, and God is always there for me when I need Him. Shouldn't I be there for my children when they need me? I want my babies needs to be met- what if they are going through a growth spurt and are legitimately hungry. Or teething and need comfort. Or sick or hurt or wet? Every time that I convince myself to let them cry it out, I think of these things and talk myself right back out of it. And I remember the one time I was going to let them cry it out, lost my nerve, and it turned out Matthew had soaked through his diaper, outfit, and sheets.
Parenting is hard.
And that was the beginning of the end. Matthew rolls over in his sleep, or wakes up and rolls over- I'm not sure which one. Whichever one it is, he can't roll back over. He hasn't done it without his boots and bars on yet, and I am sure it will take him a little longer to figure it out once he does start rolling both ways. Therefore, he can't fall back to sleep. I have tried letting him scream it out (more on that in a bit), but when I went to check on him, I found him nearly thrashing and hitting his head on the crib. That really scared me. I have tried rolling him back over, which has only worked twice. The one night that I was determined not to nurse him every time he woke up was the night he woke up 7 times.
I am also conflicted about the whole "let them cry it out" thing anyway. In one way, I can see how it can be beneficial. They learn how to self-soothe and then I get to sleep more, which causes a lot of positives in my mood, patience levels, ability to comprehend/concentrate, and my mental health. (Let's face it, it can get depressing not being able to sleep).
On the other hand, I want my babies to know that they can trust me to be there for them when they need me. I am supposed to be an example for God for my children, and God is always there for me when I need Him. Shouldn't I be there for my children when they need me? I want my babies needs to be met- what if they are going through a growth spurt and are legitimately hungry. Or teething and need comfort. Or sick or hurt or wet? Every time that I convince myself to let them cry it out, I think of these things and talk myself right back out of it. And I remember the one time I was going to let them cry it out, lost my nerve, and it turned out Matthew had soaked through his diaper, outfit, and sheets.
Parenting is hard.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Not for the faint of heart
I think I have said this before, but I will say it again. I absolutely love being a stay at home mom. I love being able to meet my babies' every need, love being able to watch them grow and learn and discover the world around them. For example, who knew that running water so so fascinating! I didn't realize that until Matthew would be looking around until I turn on the water and then he whips his head around to focus on that running water. Fascinating stuff.
That being said, I had no idea how hard it would be to be a stay at home mom. I had always thought that it would be a piece of cake- you get to play with your babies all day, and how hard is that? Well, as it turns out, that is not all that you do. My day starts between 5am-6am, except on lucky days like today when it started at 4:30am. And the boys aren't in bed until 8pm, sometimes a little earlier, rarely a little later. Yes, they do nap, but rarely at the same time, and Andrew only naps in 20-30 minute increments. That, along with the night time wakings (between 2-6, lately more on the 6 side due to teething), and it makes for long days and long nights. Being on call 24/7 to meet the needs of two little people is hard. Really hard.
As much as the lack of sleep and utter exhaustion is hard, I think the hardest thing about being a stay at home mom is the loneliness. I have virtually no one to talk to. Even when Paul is home, it is hard to have a conversation because of the needs of the babies. And because of that, my communication skills are virtually gone. I start a sentence and in the middle of it, the train of thought is gone, or I will put a word in a sentence that doesn't belong. I don't feel as sharp as I used to, because I talk to babies all day long. And as much as I love that, it's difficult being around people because I don't feel interesting or even a valuable communicator anymore, because let's face it, I'm not.
It takes a lot of sacrifice to be a stay at home mom. I have always been frugal, but we have had to take it to the next step. It is so worth it, though, because I believe that this is the most important job in the world. And we are surviving. We may not be rich, we may not be able to buy or do anything we want, but we are making it, and I am so grateful and happy to be able to make this sacrifice for the good of our family!
That being said, I had no idea how hard it would be to be a stay at home mom. I had always thought that it would be a piece of cake- you get to play with your babies all day, and how hard is that? Well, as it turns out, that is not all that you do. My day starts between 5am-6am, except on lucky days like today when it started at 4:30am. And the boys aren't in bed until 8pm, sometimes a little earlier, rarely a little later. Yes, they do nap, but rarely at the same time, and Andrew only naps in 20-30 minute increments. That, along with the night time wakings (between 2-6, lately more on the 6 side due to teething), and it makes for long days and long nights. Being on call 24/7 to meet the needs of two little people is hard. Really hard.
As much as the lack of sleep and utter exhaustion is hard, I think the hardest thing about being a stay at home mom is the loneliness. I have virtually no one to talk to. Even when Paul is home, it is hard to have a conversation because of the needs of the babies. And because of that, my communication skills are virtually gone. I start a sentence and in the middle of it, the train of thought is gone, or I will put a word in a sentence that doesn't belong. I don't feel as sharp as I used to, because I talk to babies all day long. And as much as I love that, it's difficult being around people because I don't feel interesting or even a valuable communicator anymore, because let's face it, I'm not.
It takes a lot of sacrifice to be a stay at home mom. I have always been frugal, but we have had to take it to the next step. It is so worth it, though, because I believe that this is the most important job in the world. And we are surviving. We may not be rich, we may not be able to buy or do anything we want, but we are making it, and I am so grateful and happy to be able to make this sacrifice for the good of our family!
Friday, May 7, 2010
Bedtime
Although I enjoy most of my time with my babies, I absolutely hate bedtime. It is the most stressful part of my day, and is usually when I am most exhausted, so my patience is also low. Around 6 or 6:30 every day, my babies become very fussy, which turn into screaming and uncontrollable crying. (I have tried putting them to bed at this time, but they only wake up an hour later, so I have to wait until 7 to start the bedtime process). I get them changed into their sleepers, nighttime diapers, and now recently, put Matthew's boots and bars on before I nurse them for the night.
Let me make an aside right here about the boots and bars. They have always been a pain to put on, but Paul was always there to help me, so it wasn't ever too bad (once we got into a rhythm and Matthew got used to them). And we always did it at a time where both boys were pleasant. However, now, it is torture. Because Paul works second shift, I have to put them on alone, and inevitably, Matthew will start kicking his leg, which will throw off the placement of his foot and I have to start all over again. And because they are super tired and ridiculously grumpy, I have to put them on while both boys are screaming. Well, Matthew usually whines, but doesn't start screaming until I get Andrew ready for bed.
So after they are ready for bed, I nurse them until they fall asleep and pray that they won't wake up during the transfer of nursing to getting up and putting them in their crib. That isn't so bad unless Matthew is in a really sensitive mood and will refuse to nurse when Andrew is nursing at the same time. That is really difficult for me because then I will have to listen to one of them scream until the other one is done nursing. And Matthew typically falls asleep much faster than Andrew, I have to make a choice of which one I feed first and which one to let scream. And sadly, it is usually Andrew that I let scream, even though he was fine nursing, because it is a much shorter time. I always feel bad, and I wish they would go back to tandem nursing consistently, because it was so much easier.
It is amazing to me, though, how every night I can't wait for them to go to bed because they are so fussy and I am so stressed out, but then they fall asleep and are snuggling up against me, and it takes me forever to actually put them to bed, because I love snuggling with them. As I have said before, there is no greater feeling than a baby sleeping in your arms. And then, when they are in their crib asleep, I just stand there staring at them, and am amazed at how sweet they are and I thank God that he gave them to me, and I pray for them that God will keep them safe, and that they will come to know Him at an early age and not stray from Him. I love my babies.
Let me make an aside right here about the boots and bars. They have always been a pain to put on, but Paul was always there to help me, so it wasn't ever too bad (once we got into a rhythm and Matthew got used to them). And we always did it at a time where both boys were pleasant. However, now, it is torture. Because Paul works second shift, I have to put them on alone, and inevitably, Matthew will start kicking his leg, which will throw off the placement of his foot and I have to start all over again. And because they are super tired and ridiculously grumpy, I have to put them on while both boys are screaming. Well, Matthew usually whines, but doesn't start screaming until I get Andrew ready for bed.
So after they are ready for bed, I nurse them until they fall asleep and pray that they won't wake up during the transfer of nursing to getting up and putting them in their crib. That isn't so bad unless Matthew is in a really sensitive mood and will refuse to nurse when Andrew is nursing at the same time. That is really difficult for me because then I will have to listen to one of them scream until the other one is done nursing. And Matthew typically falls asleep much faster than Andrew, I have to make a choice of which one I feed first and which one to let scream. And sadly, it is usually Andrew that I let scream, even though he was fine nursing, because it is a much shorter time. I always feel bad, and I wish they would go back to tandem nursing consistently, because it was so much easier.
It is amazing to me, though, how every night I can't wait for them to go to bed because they are so fussy and I am so stressed out, but then they fall asleep and are snuggling up against me, and it takes me forever to actually put them to bed, because I love snuggling with them. As I have said before, there is no greater feeling than a baby sleeping in your arms. And then, when they are in their crib asleep, I just stand there staring at them, and am amazed at how sweet they are and I thank God that he gave them to me, and I pray for them that God will keep them safe, and that they will come to know Him at an early age and not stray from Him. I love my babies.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Thankfulness
I must admit, I have a tendency to complain. I take for granted all of the blessings in my life. I really and truly have all that I could ever ask or desire, and yet, I still complain. It is a quality about myself that I really don't like, and something that I am working on.
Among the things that I complain about, or should I say lament about is being so overwhelmed with twins that I don't feel like I am a good mother and that I don't get enough time with each child individually. There are even times, when I am super stressed that I wish I had had singletons (the same children, just at separate times). I feel guilty for that thought, because I truly would not want anything else. I love my children. They are so special and wonderful and I am so grateful that God chose to bless me with them.
Today, in church, it really hit me how blessed I really am. I got teary eyed when the pastor was praying, thanking the Lord for all the new life in the church and the blessings that children are. My number was even called, saying that I needed to go to the nursery to tend to my child who was crying (ok, screaming uncontrollably). I took him and held him on my shoulder and told him it was ok, to which he sighed and fell asleep on my shoulder. Not chancing putting him down only for him to wake up in the transfer (which he typically does), I took him in the service with me and felt my heart burst with love for him as he slept peacefully on my shoulder for the remainder of the service and the time of fellowship afterward. A lady behind me started crying as she saw us, mother and child, in perfect serenity.
It was then that I recounted in my mind the horrible struggle it took for us to conceive and how unsure I was that I would ever have children. And the Lord has blessed me with not only one child, but two beautiful, wonderful, high maintenance children whom I love and adore. And even though I am constantly exhausted, usually stressed out, often lonely; I wouldn't trade my life for anyone else's in the world. I am thankful for my life where I pretty much have everything I have ever wanted even if it's not exactly how I envisioned it; my husband who is wonderful and provides for our family and loves me no matter what, even though I am usually neurotic and annoying; my children who are the light and joy of my life and bring so much happiness; and most importantly my Savior, who has saved me from such a terrible life and who loves me even when I am horrible and ungrateful. I choose thankfulness today, and hopefully will continue to choose thankfulness!
Among the things that I complain about, or should I say lament about is being so overwhelmed with twins that I don't feel like I am a good mother and that I don't get enough time with each child individually. There are even times, when I am super stressed that I wish I had had singletons (the same children, just at separate times). I feel guilty for that thought, because I truly would not want anything else. I love my children. They are so special and wonderful and I am so grateful that God chose to bless me with them.
Today, in church, it really hit me how blessed I really am. I got teary eyed when the pastor was praying, thanking the Lord for all the new life in the church and the blessings that children are. My number was even called, saying that I needed to go to the nursery to tend to my child who was crying (ok, screaming uncontrollably). I took him and held him on my shoulder and told him it was ok, to which he sighed and fell asleep on my shoulder. Not chancing putting him down only for him to wake up in the transfer (which he typically does), I took him in the service with me and felt my heart burst with love for him as he slept peacefully on my shoulder for the remainder of the service and the time of fellowship afterward. A lady behind me started crying as she saw us, mother and child, in perfect serenity.
It was then that I recounted in my mind the horrible struggle it took for us to conceive and how unsure I was that I would ever have children. And the Lord has blessed me with not only one child, but two beautiful, wonderful, high maintenance children whom I love and adore. And even though I am constantly exhausted, usually stressed out, often lonely; I wouldn't trade my life for anyone else's in the world. I am thankful for my life where I pretty much have everything I have ever wanted even if it's not exactly how I envisioned it; my husband who is wonderful and provides for our family and loves me no matter what, even though I am usually neurotic and annoying; my children who are the light and joy of my life and bring so much happiness; and most importantly my Savior, who has saved me from such a terrible life and who loves me even when I am horrible and ungrateful. I choose thankfulness today, and hopefully will continue to choose thankfulness!
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Little tidbits
I must say, I really love being a mother. My babies are so precious and sweet. I love the way they look at me. They look at me with such love and adoration that it is hard for me to soak it all in. I know it won't be this way forever, but man, I wish it would be!
My babies are 5 months old now, and are doing so many fun things! Andrew can now roll over, although he has only done it twice. I missed the first time because I was changing Matthew's diaper, but the second one I got on video. That was last week and I keep hoping he'll do it again, while at the same time, wanting him to stop, because I love their littleness.
Matthew can now blow bubbles and make raspberry sounds. It is very cute. I often stick out my tongue at the boys and do a little spitting sound. Matthew now sticks his tongue out, then pulls it back in and does a raspberry. He is so smart! He thinks he is doing what I'm doing. I still haven't been able to get him to do it on camera yet.
I love rocking them, and having them sleep on me- Matthew always finds the same spot on my shoulder, and Andrew loves his head on the top of my breast, and then curls the rest of his body around it- SO cute! Therefore, they both snuggle in their own way, and I am in love with both methods.
Although I think they are sweetest and cutest when they are sleeping, I find that I am excited when they wake up, because they are a lot of fun to play with and talk to. They are learning different and new sounds with their mouths and respond to me when I talk to them. In the early months, I didn't enjoy them being awake very much because the only thing they wanted to do was eat (and at that point, nursing was still very painful). Now, we play, go outside, talk, and really enjoy each other!
My babies are 5 months old now, and are doing so many fun things! Andrew can now roll over, although he has only done it twice. I missed the first time because I was changing Matthew's diaper, but the second one I got on video. That was last week and I keep hoping he'll do it again, while at the same time, wanting him to stop, because I love their littleness.
Matthew can now blow bubbles and make raspberry sounds. It is very cute. I often stick out my tongue at the boys and do a little spitting sound. Matthew now sticks his tongue out, then pulls it back in and does a raspberry. He is so smart! He thinks he is doing what I'm doing. I still haven't been able to get him to do it on camera yet.
I love rocking them, and having them sleep on me- Matthew always finds the same spot on my shoulder, and Andrew loves his head on the top of my breast, and then curls the rest of his body around it- SO cute! Therefore, they both snuggle in their own way, and I am in love with both methods.
Although I think they are sweetest and cutest when they are sleeping, I find that I am excited when they wake up, because they are a lot of fun to play with and talk to. They are learning different and new sounds with their mouths and respond to me when I talk to them. In the early months, I didn't enjoy them being awake very much because the only thing they wanted to do was eat (and at that point, nursing was still very painful). Now, we play, go outside, talk, and really enjoy each other!
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