Two and a half weeks ago, when I found out I was pregnant, I realized that I would not be getting a break with my body for several years. I was pregnant with the twins for 9 months, nursing them currently, and here I was pregnant again. Then I miscarried, which was a lot harder emotionally than I thought it was going to be. A week after I started miscarrying, Matthew suddenly weaned himself. I nursed him March 10th, the day he turned 16 months old, in the morning, and that was it for him. He wouldn't nurse anymore after that. I was ok with it. I still had Andrew, who was nursing 4 times a day (in the morning, for both naps, and bedtime). And then 3 days later, on March 13th, Andrew suddenly weaned himself after his morning feeding. Just like that. No gradual about it.
So there I was, miscarrying, and the next week, both boys weaned within 3 days of each other. I can't even begin to describe how whacked out my hormones were. Are. I had the worst headaches, which were the worst part. I was so full of milk going from six feedings a day to zero. I felt like I was going to explode! And to be honest, as glad as I am that I didn't have to wean them, I am a little sad that I didn't know and get to enjoy my last feedings with them and savor the moments. I am sad that they don't need me in that way anymore. I had something nobody else had. It was like a super power, a secret weapon. If nothing else would calm them, my breasts would.
When I first started nursing the boys, my goal was to nurse them until they were 12 months old, at the very least. I was hoping to nurse them until they were 18 months, and no longer than 2 years old. We have two big trips coming up- one in April to GA and one in June to a lake in VA. I don't know how they will respond to sleeping in a new place, so I was waiting to wean them until after those trips were over in case they needed help sleeping. Now, I am a little more scared of how these trips are going to go without my secret weapons.
As sad as I am that they are done nursing, I will say that bedtime has become much easier. Before, I would put Matthew's boots and bars on, change and diaper him, then nurse him for 5-15 minutes, and put him to bed. Then I would come back downstairs and diaper and change Andrew and feed him for 20-40 minutes, and then put him to bed. Now, I change them, sing them a song while rocking both of them, and put them both in their cribs and walk out the door. Ten minutes as opposed to an hour- not too shabby. Naps are a lot faster too.
I'm still going to miss it, though.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Facebook: Friend or Foe
When I first got on facebook, it was a neat site that I could get on to kind of supplement my social life. I worked, went to school, and hung out with friends, so I did not depend on facebook as my primary source to the outside world. This was back when you had to have a school email address to join- it was not open to everyone like it is now.
Somewhere along the way, things shifted and I began to rely on facebook more and more for my social connection to the world. I still worked and still spent time with friends and family, so I was connected and facebook was still just a fun way to interact and keep up with people.
After the twins were born, my world kind of closed in. My world became this house, these babies, my husband, and facebook. Sure, I still spent some time with family- in person, yes, but usually on the phone. As I look back, I remember in the early months still being connected to the church. I went to small group and spent time with people on a social basis.
Somewhere along the way, even my connection to church became distant. Sure, I still go to church, I serve in the nursery ministry, but that is about it. I don't have real conversations anymore. It is mostly hi and bye. There are a few people that I feel connected to, but not in the same way. I don't have regular contact, where we are sharing intimate details of our lives. I feel disconnected in so many ways.
The same thing has happened with facebook. I used to use it as a way to supplement my social life, where now, it is my lifeline to the outside world. I rarely have conversations anymore, and when I do, I feel so boring that I let the other person dominate the conversation. All I know about people are the little snippets that they post as their status. Sometimes people post real things where you know intimate details about them, but most often, it isn't. And while I enjoy reading different things people post, I feel like I lack genuine connection. A lot of people I want to stay connected with either don't post, don't respond to my posts or messages, or are mostly silent observers. That isn't everyone. A lot of people I do want to stay connected to, do post and respond.
I think it's just as people's friend lists grow longer, the less people want to share about themselves. I guess the same is true for me. Everytime I post, I think, well, that person is going to judge me for that, this person is going to private message me and tell me their opinion about that, and so on and so forth. There are a lot of people with a lot of opinions and I think facebook is a way to sometimes share your opinions without having to look people in the eye and see the damage you are doing- intentionally or unintentionally. It can be a safe way to share information and a coward's way of sharing information (much like blogging can be). The trouble with written communication is that you can't see the person's heart, so sometimes things sound a lot harsher than you meant them too, or people take the info differently than you intended. I know things I have posted have been taken the wrong way.
I guess facebook is what you make it. It can be a great way to stay connected. There are things I share on facebook that I would have trouble sharing in real life. Then again, when you make it your only source of social connection, it can be a problem. I know for me, I get jealous when I see others making plans, having fun, and I think how much I miss doing things with people. I know I need to make a concerted effort not to make facebook so important. I need to make more of an effort of connecting in person and over the phone, because the computer cannot substitute human connection.
Somewhere along the way, things shifted and I began to rely on facebook more and more for my social connection to the world. I still worked and still spent time with friends and family, so I was connected and facebook was still just a fun way to interact and keep up with people.
After the twins were born, my world kind of closed in. My world became this house, these babies, my husband, and facebook. Sure, I still spent some time with family- in person, yes, but usually on the phone. As I look back, I remember in the early months still being connected to the church. I went to small group and spent time with people on a social basis.
Somewhere along the way, even my connection to church became distant. Sure, I still go to church, I serve in the nursery ministry, but that is about it. I don't have real conversations anymore. It is mostly hi and bye. There are a few people that I feel connected to, but not in the same way. I don't have regular contact, where we are sharing intimate details of our lives. I feel disconnected in so many ways.
The same thing has happened with facebook. I used to use it as a way to supplement my social life, where now, it is my lifeline to the outside world. I rarely have conversations anymore, and when I do, I feel so boring that I let the other person dominate the conversation. All I know about people are the little snippets that they post as their status. Sometimes people post real things where you know intimate details about them, but most often, it isn't. And while I enjoy reading different things people post, I feel like I lack genuine connection. A lot of people I want to stay connected with either don't post, don't respond to my posts or messages, or are mostly silent observers. That isn't everyone. A lot of people I do want to stay connected to, do post and respond.
I think it's just as people's friend lists grow longer, the less people want to share about themselves. I guess the same is true for me. Everytime I post, I think, well, that person is going to judge me for that, this person is going to private message me and tell me their opinion about that, and so on and so forth. There are a lot of people with a lot of opinions and I think facebook is a way to sometimes share your opinions without having to look people in the eye and see the damage you are doing- intentionally or unintentionally. It can be a safe way to share information and a coward's way of sharing information (much like blogging can be). The trouble with written communication is that you can't see the person's heart, so sometimes things sound a lot harsher than you meant them too, or people take the info differently than you intended. I know things I have posted have been taken the wrong way.
I guess facebook is what you make it. It can be a great way to stay connected. There are things I share on facebook that I would have trouble sharing in real life. Then again, when you make it your only source of social connection, it can be a problem. I know for me, I get jealous when I see others making plans, having fun, and I think how much I miss doing things with people. I know I need to make a concerted effort not to make facebook so important. I need to make more of an effort of connecting in person and over the phone, because the computer cannot substitute human connection.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
The Love of the Father
The other night, Matthew was up several times crying. I went in four times, although he was up more than that. This is, thankfully, not the norm. He is either getting sick or teething. Anyway, the first time I went in, he basically collapsed in my arms, hugging me tight as I rocked him back to sleep.
And as I was rocking him, I got to thinking about the parallels between parenthood and God's love for his children. Matthew was crying out to me, persistently, and I came in to comfort him. In the same way, when we cry out to God, he is there to comfort us and tend to our needs. The thing that struck me, however, was when I was holding tightly to Matthew and comforting him. My heart was swollen with love and peace as I held him and rocked him. I got to thinking: is this how God feels about me, and all of His children? Is this how God feels about us when we rest in His arms and His love? Is His love for us so overwhelming and secure and does He beam with pride over me? Does He love holding me in His arms like I love holding my babies in my arms? I love my children fiercely, but my love for them is minuscule compared to the love that God has for us.
I don't think I can even express how grateful to God I am for those thoughts, because I think it helped my relationship with Him immensely. He loves me more than I could ever love my children. I am His child and am welcome in His arms at any time. He never tires or me, He always wants me to come to Him. I am so grateful for my God who loves me and I wish everyone would experience Him in a relationship with Him.
And as I was rocking him, I got to thinking about the parallels between parenthood and God's love for his children. Matthew was crying out to me, persistently, and I came in to comfort him. In the same way, when we cry out to God, he is there to comfort us and tend to our needs. The thing that struck me, however, was when I was holding tightly to Matthew and comforting him. My heart was swollen with love and peace as I held him and rocked him. I got to thinking: is this how God feels about me, and all of His children? Is this how God feels about us when we rest in His arms and His love? Is His love for us so overwhelming and secure and does He beam with pride over me? Does He love holding me in His arms like I love holding my babies in my arms? I love my children fiercely, but my love for them is minuscule compared to the love that God has for us.
I don't think I can even express how grateful to God I am for those thoughts, because I think it helped my relationship with Him immensely. He loves me more than I could ever love my children. I am His child and am welcome in His arms at any time. He never tires or me, He always wants me to come to Him. I am so grateful for my God who loves me and I wish everyone would experience Him in a relationship with Him.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Another Miscarriage
I found out on Wednesday that I am pregnant. It was definitely a surprise! We had not planned to get pregnant, and had been taking measures to prevent pregnancy. Well... God has bigger plans. And so I started dreaming about this new little baby, who would be due 4 days before their big brothers' second birthday. I waited for as long as I could to wake up Paul by bringing the boys up, having them wake him up, and telling them to tell Daddy that they would be big brothers.
Needless to say, we were freaked out by the sheer expense that a new baby brings. But we also got caught up in how we would share the news with our loved ones, what everyone's reactions would be, and logistics of having three children aged two and under. I, of course, started daydreaming about the sweetness of snuggling with my little newborn baby.
Due to my complications with previous pregnancies, I called the doctor immediately to get a shot of progesterone and to do bloodwork. They agreed to the bloodwork, but wanted to wait until they got the result of the bloodwork before they ordered progesterone. This frustrated me greatly because they did that when I was pregnant with the twins. But I digress. The HCG number on Wednesday was 20 and the progesterone level was 7.2, which was in the normal range. I had repeat HCG bloodwork today, and the level was 4. So basically, I am miscarrying.
The news is not as devastating as it was when I had my first miscarriage. That one changed me, nearly destroyed me. I feel a tiny bit relieved about this, and I feel so guilty for that. I am also sad because I had already had dreams for this baby, saw us with three children, figured out a lot of logistical necessities, saw the twins as big brothers, etc.
I am also sad that I can't just get pregnant and have a baby without help. I have to be on progesterone before I conceive, and that requires a lot of planning and doctor involvement. I am not planning of going on fertility medication again. That is no longer the problem. It was the problem after I was diagnosed with endometriosis. The cool thing about pregnancy is that it clears up endometriosis. There is a lot of judgement for infertile women and women who struggle to get pregnant. I'm not sure why, but there is. I feel it from people, and I just think they don't understand. Infertility is a medical problem, just like a plethora of other problems, and yet when people get treated for any number of medical problems, people don't bat an eye. But when a woman is treated for infertility, so much judgement is passed. Somehow, it becomes a spiritual issue. This hurts my feelings. I thank God for my children, and for the doctors who diagnosed my endometriosis and gave me fertility meds to help conceive my miracle babies. I am thankful that through my pregnancy, God cleared up my endometriosis. And I am thankful that the doctors diagnosed my low progesterone so that I know what to do in order to have success pregnancies. I am sad that this pregnancy was lost, and sad that I can't just conceive and be carefree about the outcome of the pregnancy. Ultimately, God is still in control. He will carry me through, and I will be ok.
Needless to say, we were freaked out by the sheer expense that a new baby brings. But we also got caught up in how we would share the news with our loved ones, what everyone's reactions would be, and logistics of having three children aged two and under. I, of course, started daydreaming about the sweetness of snuggling with my little newborn baby.
Due to my complications with previous pregnancies, I called the doctor immediately to get a shot of progesterone and to do bloodwork. They agreed to the bloodwork, but wanted to wait until they got the result of the bloodwork before they ordered progesterone. This frustrated me greatly because they did that when I was pregnant with the twins. But I digress. The HCG number on Wednesday was 20 and the progesterone level was 7.2, which was in the normal range. I had repeat HCG bloodwork today, and the level was 4. So basically, I am miscarrying.
The news is not as devastating as it was when I had my first miscarriage. That one changed me, nearly destroyed me. I feel a tiny bit relieved about this, and I feel so guilty for that. I am also sad because I had already had dreams for this baby, saw us with three children, figured out a lot of logistical necessities, saw the twins as big brothers, etc.
I am also sad that I can't just get pregnant and have a baby without help. I have to be on progesterone before I conceive, and that requires a lot of planning and doctor involvement. I am not planning of going on fertility medication again. That is no longer the problem. It was the problem after I was diagnosed with endometriosis. The cool thing about pregnancy is that it clears up endometriosis. There is a lot of judgement for infertile women and women who struggle to get pregnant. I'm not sure why, but there is. I feel it from people, and I just think they don't understand. Infertility is a medical problem, just like a plethora of other problems, and yet when people get treated for any number of medical problems, people don't bat an eye. But when a woman is treated for infertility, so much judgement is passed. Somehow, it becomes a spiritual issue. This hurts my feelings. I thank God for my children, and for the doctors who diagnosed my endometriosis and gave me fertility meds to help conceive my miracle babies. I am thankful that through my pregnancy, God cleared up my endometriosis. And I am thankful that the doctors diagnosed my low progesterone so that I know what to do in order to have success pregnancies. I am sad that this pregnancy was lost, and sad that I can't just conceive and be carefree about the outcome of the pregnancy. Ultimately, God is still in control. He will carry me through, and I will be ok.
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