Background Info

I think in order to understand me a little better and how much my family means to me, some background info is necessary. After all, everything makes sense in its context. Paul and I were married for three years when we decided to start trying to have a baby. It was more that we were no longer preventing a pregnancy than actively trying... well, on his part anyway. I wanted a baby in the worst way, so in June 2007, while we were on vacation, we decided to stop preventing. I, being the planner that I am, mapped out my cycle every month.

December 2007, I had a positive pregnancy test. I was so excited. I told Paul and my sister, and started planning out how I would tell everyone else. My plan was to wait until Christmas and I had all sorts of creative ways to tell our family and then close friends, and would of course wait until the second trimester before telling anyone else. Two days later, I had the worst "period" of my life. I miscarried. The term for such an early pregnancy is chemical pregnancy. Because I couldn't stand thinking that my first pregnancy was a miscarriage, I lied to myself and tried to convince myself that I wasn't actually pregnant. I started getting sharp pains and went to the doctor. They thought I had a miscarriage, too. And they sent me for tests to figure out my pain. It turns out I had a 10cm cyst on my right ovary. Ten centimeters! That is the size a woman has to be dialated in order to have a baby! They waited a few months to see if it would resolve itself, but it never did, and it caused horrible pain. It was hard to walk or to concentrate on anything else. I had to have surgery to remove it. It was scheduled for March 7, 2008.

The surgery was supposed to be routine- cut through the belly button, drain the cyst, and remove it. Unfortunately, I had some complications. I woke up from the surgery cathed and in intense pain. I knew something went wrong. I asked the nurse what happened, and she told me that they had to remove my ovary. My ovary! I needed that! The doctor explained that the cyst was wrapped around my ovary and fallopian tube and she could not find the source of the cyst. So she had to cut my stomach open (in the same place as a C- section) and removed both my ovary and fallopian tube. I was in such intense pain in my right side for months afterward, and she explained that they had to "pull hard." Ugh! She also discovered that I have endometriosis, which is where the lining of the uterus grows more cells than it should and can prevent pregnancy. So she told us if we were wanting to start a family, we better start sooner than later. So as soon as I was well enough, we started trying again.

I got pregnant that first month, and took the test the day after our 4th anniversary. We were so excited, and because Paul's brother was graduating from college that weekend, we were able to tell everyone in person. Everyone was thrilled. I had strep throat (at that point undiagnosed), and was miserable. My throat would swell shut, so I was taking Ib profin to help the swelling, and would only take it when I could no longer breathe. I only tell you this to let you in to my immense sense of guilt. We had our first doctor's appointment on June 4, 2008. It was long and thrilling. I was having some spotting, which worried me, but tried to tell myself that everything was fine. The midwife checked for the heartbeat and couldn't find it, so she sent me to the hospital for an in depth ultrasound. She started talking to me about miscarriage, but I couldn't listen to her. They held me after that ultrasound so the midwife could call me and tell me that there would be a miscarriage because their was a gestational sac, but the baby was not developing in it. She told me technical names, but I don't remember what she said, because I was breaking on the inside.

On June 20, 2008, I had the miscarriage. It was an impossible two and a half weeks. I was convinced that God was going to work a miracle out in me and that I would be ok. 100% convinced (maybe 99%). It was not to be. I was babysitting my neices when it started. I didn't know what to do. I called Paul at work and he came home (well, to my sister's house). I thought I was going to bleed to death. Sorry for the graphic detail, but I was filling a pad every five minutes for 4 hours. It was awful! The next day, I was numb, sore, and empty. It turns out I wasn't completely empty, because not all of the baby miscarried. It took another two weeks for the miscarriage to be complete. I was getting blood tests every couple days and was given medicine (by my request). I did not want another surgery. They almost went in and did a D&C on me, because not all the baby fragments were gone. But the day they were going to do that, was the day that everything was finally gone. And I really was empty.

I cannot begin to explain the mental damage that was done during that month. To know that you are carrying a dead child within you is indescribable. Dirty little secret time: I was glad I didn't miscarry all at once because I was still connected with that baby. And I think I lost my mind a little bit. I read every update that was sent to me via email from those baby websites. I had to know what developmental stage my baby would be in if I was still pregnant. Probably not the healthiest thing in the world, but that was my grief process.

I also went through a crisis of belief with my faith. I was so angry with God. It totally shattered my whole belief system. I had to come to a point where I was ok with expressing my emotions to God. Before this point, in my mind, God only loved you/was ok with you if you were perfect and I don't think I was ever real with God- not completely. It took a while for me to tell him that I was mad, and to express all of my negative emotions, and there was a lot! My relationship with God went to a whole new level, and I was ok with telling him that I didn't like him, yes, even hated him. I think I had to tell him honestly what I felt about Him before I could really love him. He loved me through all the negative- through my darkest hour.

So, we kept trying for a baby, but I was convinced that God hated me and that I would never have a baby. (Oh, my skewed view of God!) I had the miscarriage in June 2008, and by February 2009, I was frustrated. Up to this point, I was seeing a fertility specialist where I was tracking my cycle religiously. I went through all sorts of testing to find that I have low progesterone and a sluggish thyroid. Also, my estrogen levels were low. So I went on meds to correct all of that, along with Clomid to help stimulate ovulation. None of that was working, and so they did an ultrasound, and thought that I had fibroids. Which meant another surgery. But first, they wanted to do a minor surgery to make sure my tube was not blocked. It turns out it was blocked, and it was pretty painful unblocking it. But... the next month, I was pregnant again!

We know the end result of this pregnancy. I got pregnant with the twins. I was fearful the entire time that I would miscarry or something would happen. But, praise the Lord, I had them successfully. I will share that story another time. I am so excited to share my miracle babies with everyone!