Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas! Welcome to our first annual Oakley family Christmas letter. I have found that the Christmas season is a good time to evaluate my life, goals, and most importantly my personal relationship with Jesus Christ. He is working in me to be more kind and compassionate and to live a life that points others to Him. As we give and receive presents this year, my greatest hope is that each and every one of you have received the gift of salvation by accepting Jesus Christ as your personal Savior!

Last year we received the best Christmas presents in the form of twin boys. They were 6 weeks old at Christmastime, and I was a little busy to even think about writing a Christmas letter. People always ask me if the boys are similar and if they are identical. They are fraternal and as different as night and day. Some similarities that I can come up with are that they are both very sensitive, are both incredibly sweet, have such cute smiles which are great when you praise them for something- you can see the pride beaming off their little faces! They are on track developmentally with their gestational age (they were a month premature).

Matthew Scott Oakley is older by a minute and has a more dominant personality. He laughs all of the time, babbles, and it sounds like he is trying to copy words that we say. His vocabulary is increasing with his favorite word being mama. Ironically enough, he looks just like his mommy. Matthew crawls and gets into everything, and has even taken his first assisted steps this past week. Although smaller at birth, he is now about a pound and an inch bigger than his brother. He loves to go outside and meet new people, although he needs to get used to the person before he will let them hold him. One of Matthew’s favorite things to do is to stack his toys. He will either stack them or put his toys on any random object and the best part is that he cheers for himself. You’ll be playing with him and he will stack something, then go “Yay!” and either clap or put his hands in the air. It is best when you cheer for him and he gets so proud of himself!

Andrew James Oakley is younger by a minute and tends to be more passive. He does things on his own time frame- often will meet a developmental milestone and then not do it again for several weeks. He is crawling, pulling up to a standing position, and babbles a lot, with his favorite word being dada. Ironically enough, he is the spitting image of his daddy. Although he is more passive- doesn’t care which toy he is playing with, happy when being held, if he gets upset, it is very obvious by the gusto of his scream. It still amazes me that he was in the NICU after birth due to breathing problems because there is nothing wrong with his lungs now! Andrew’s favorite thing to do is take everything out from under the changing table or unfold laundry and pull laundry out of the baskets. You can find him taking blankets from one side of him and putting them on the other side over and over again- it is quite humorous!

Paul and I are doing well. Paul got a promotion to assistant manager at Sheetz right before the boys were born which has enabled me to be a stay at home mom. It is much harder than I thought it would be, but wonderful all at the same time. We love being parents, and are so blessed by our twin boys.

Love,

Paul, Sarah, Matthew, & Andrew

New Hope

I was listening to the radio tonight and a caller was talking about the joy and hope we have at Christmas. She stated that the reason we have this joy and hope is because of Jesus' birth and how amazing it must have been for those who were able to experience his birth. For their entire lives, they heard about the promise of the coming Messiah and were so filled with hope when Jesus was born.

I think this is true on a smaller scale when any new baby is born. New babies are amazing miracles. To think how they were formed and how they grow in their mother's womb is nothing short of miraculous. When a new baby is born, people are filled with hope and wonder and joy. People breathe lighter, smile more, speak softly, and hold hope for this new life. Almost everyone is in awe of new babies. We want to see and experience this new life and soak up the innocence that this new creature has. It is hard to resist touching this new little baby, for maybe their innocence will transfer to us somehow.

New life brings joy. What a good analogy for our Savior. He brings joy into people's lives if they will only accept Him. If they reach out to touch him, to accept His goodness into our hearts, into our lives, we will be filled with hope and wonder, love and joy. But most importantly, we will have a new life, a new start. When we accept Jesus as our Savior by confessing that He is Lord, and we need Him in order to have our sins forgiven and go to Heaven, and accept Jesus into our hearts, then we will have a new life. We will have hope.

It doesn't stop there. Like a baby, new believers need nourishment, need help to grow in the Lord. Finding a good church is awesome, but seeking out someone to help you grow in your new walk with the Lord is even better.

Jesus is my hope in this often callous world. I love how the new life of a little baby helps to remind me of how Jesus came as a baby to give hope and joy in this world.

Natural Alarm

For as long as I can remember, I have always had trouble getting out of bed in the morning. I got my first alarm clock in 6th grade, and since then have pressed the snooze button at least once. Usually more than once! And let me tell you, I hate the sound that stupid alarm makes, that beep beep beep. It's enough to drive any sleep lover a little crazy.

I am happy to say that I no longer use an alarm. I haven't used one since October 26, 2009, the day after I went on bedrest. I have a more natural alarm now. When I was pregnant, it was the sharp pains I felt in my hips and the insistent urge to use the bathroom. When the boys were born, it was their cry that made me leap out of bed and to their room before I even took a second to think or breathe. Now, sometimes it is their cry that gets me up, but usually it is the sound of the boys talking to each other. I love that they wake up happy. I love that I now wake up to happy babbling instead of to beeping or worse, to crying!

I don't get to press the snooze button anymore, but when they are talking and playing with each other, I also don't have to go in right away. It is nice to wake up slowly as they are laughing and jumping and talking back and forth.

Homemade Pepperoni Pizza

I made homemade pepperoni pizza today using this recipe. I don't really see the need to re post the recipe since I copied it verbatim. I had a little trouble getting the pizza to become round, but all in all, it was pretty yummy.

Tuna Mac Bake

I was a little scared about making this one. I am not a huge tuna fan, and neither is Paul or Matthew. Andrew tolerates it, but it doesn't seem like his favorite. However, I was pleasantly surprised by how yummy this was. Matthew and Andrew gobbled it up, and Paul, well, Paul ate it. He didn't like it, although he had it set in his mind that he wouldn't like it because it has tuna in it. But not a strong tuna flavor.

Tuna Mac Bake

Make a box of macaroni and cheese, following the directions on the box
Add a can of tuna to finished mac and cheese
Add 1/4 cup water
Stir well in baking dish, then crumble crackers on top (I used Ritz)
Sprinkle cheese on top

Bake at 350 for 20 minutes.

Lasagna

I am a little lazy when it comes to making lasagna, and I have to say, it tastes so much better now than before when I followed the directions to the T.

In a bowl, combine:

1/2 pound ground beef

1 can tomatoes

1 cup pureed spinach

1 cup shredded cheese

1 cup shredded mozzarella

(add or omit any of your favorite lasagna toppings)

Do not cook the lasagna noodles. Instead... lay the noodles in a 10x13 glass pan (or metal, whatever)- usually three beside each other, then spoon mixture over noodles, making sure you cover the entire noodle, repeat layers 3-4 high, and at the top layer, add a little extra cheddar and mozzarella cheese. It is delicious!

I also made with it garlic cheddar quick bread which was amazing and easy. I got from my friend Sarah (no, not me).

Chili

I have not been as consistent with my recipe postings as I had originally hoped to be. I veered from my list of having chili today and tomorrow and instead had it Monday and Tuesday when it was frigid.

Chili:

In crock pot, combine:
1/2 pound ground beef
2 cans of kidney beans
1 can black beans
half bag of frozen corn
1 can tomatoes
a few shakes of chili powder

cook on low 6-8 hours.

For potato topped chili, make baked potatoes (poke potatoes with fork, wrap in aluminum foil, and bake at 450 for an hour- an hour and a half. Cut potato in half and pour leftover chili from the night before, add dollop of sour cream, perhaps some cheese, and yum!

Anxiety Part II

First of all, let me clear something up from my last post. When I was complaining about people giving me advice, I was not referring to anyone in particular... I was just overwhelmed by all of the advice all at once, and am ridiculously hard on myself. I hope I didn't make anyone feel paranoid, because that was not my intention.

My original intention with this post was to describe how much better my anxiety has been. Once the boys hit about 11 months old, it seemed that they mellowed out a lot and, even when they were/are fussy, it doesn't affect me in quite the same way. Sometimes I still feel like I am not going to make it through the day, but that is not every day, all day.

However, once I put it out there that my anxiety is so much better and how great I feel, it seemed like our finances completely fell apart. It turns out we need to patch the roof ($800), and will soon need to replace the roof, all of our bills hit at once, and the worst thing is that the boys lost their medicaid. I know I am going to be judged big time for admitting that the boys have medicaid as their secondary insurance, but there it is. After spending $7000 on Matthew's clubfeet alone in a 6 month time span, we pursued medicaid, and was approved, and that lifted a huge weight off my shoulders (and yes, I say "my" because Paul says I worry enough for the both of us, so he doesn't worry).

And now that Matthew is due for another set of boots and bars, he of course lost his medicaid. Of course! I am not sure why, and we are under appeal. But this whole thing has me so stressed out, and I am not sure how we are going to make it. There is just so much to worry about.

We are so blessed that I have been able to stay home with the boys for the past year, and I really hope I will be able to continue. I have been racking my brain about things I can do from home- things like babysitting (even for people who work 3rd shift), trying to monetize on this blog, although that is stressing me out because I don't understand the computer language, and looking at other options on the internet, but there are just so many scams.

I would love to end this post saying that I am fine, the anxiety is not getting to me. But the truth is, it is in high gear. I am having trouble sleeping at night due to thinking about this (oh wait, that may be my sick babies, haha), but while I am up with my sick babies I think about this. I dream about it. I'm working on it. I just hope something pans out.

A Game of Chase

Matthew loves it when Paul or myself chase him around the house. He loves it more than being caught. It used to be the other way around- he would giggle whenever we caught him and wouldn't crawl very far until he would stop to be caught again. Now, however, he loves the chase. He loves when we chase after him and will giggle as he is crawling away, looking back periodically to make sure we are still chasing him. (Note: we are not always playing with him when we chase him, but he doesn't know that, or care).

Matthew has now involved Andrew in the game. I don't know if Andrew is aware that Matthew is playing chase with him, but whenever Andrew is on the move, Matthew crawls in front of him, laughing, and will stop periodically to look back to make sure Andrew is still chasing him. Sometimes I think Andrew is in on the game, and sometimes not, but it is so much fun to watch them play chase and to envision how much fun they will have growing up together- constant playmates, best friends.

I'll meet you at your crib

A few mornings ago, after the boys woke up, I put Andrew in Matthew's crib so that I could change Andrew's sheets. I was expecting them both to cry, but instead, they loved it! They were giggling and laughing and playing with each other. It was so cute! Every morning since then, if I pick Andrew up first, he tries to nose dive into Matthew's crib to hang out. It is adorable how excited he gets to be in there.

It kind of reminds me of their early months when they shared what is now Matthew's crib. They would snuggle together and sleep wrapped up in each other. Even if I put them on opposite sides of the crib, I would hear them in the monitor grunting and being restless. When I would check on them, they would inevitably be smooshed into one another, sometimes sucking on each others' hands. Sometimes I miss those days.

Anxiety part I

I guess I realized in high school that I was struggling with anxiety. I got a bad grade on a test and had my first anxiety attack- full blown couldn't breathe, chest pains, thought I was having a heart attack. I went to the doctor and they couldn't find anything wrong with me- probably anxiety, they said. Well, it got worse in college to the point where I was having them almost every day. Anxiety attacks always happened in big crowds, and well, it's hard to stay away from crowds in college.

It got significantly better when I got married. Social situations were still a bit stressful- I would agree to get together with someone, and then about an hour before, regret it and stress out about what we would do, talk about, if I would say something stupid (which, I inevitably do... I have chronic foot in mouth disease!). To be honest, I still get anxious before a social situation, but I am almost always glad I made myself be social afterwards, because I really do love spending time with friends and family. I just get stressed out beforehand, which is frustrating! It's better if I just don't think about it.

I don't think I realized how anxious I was until I became a mother. I had a pretty difficult pregnancy, but I remember being pretty relaxed throughout my pregnancy. Except when people would badger me with questions- then I would get a little stressed. But for the most part, I wasn't too anxious. And then the boys were born and my anxiety hit full blown. Andrew going to the NICU for 8 days and Matthew having club feet and having to go through such intense treatment that made him scream hysterically and then whimper and cry all day and night made it worse. Oh, and the fact that I was getting 2 hours of sleep a day for the first 6 weeks. And breastfeeding wasn't going well. And I was lonely and taking care of two infants essentially by myself with little help. (Paul worked from 4pm-1 or 2am, would come home, shower and stuff, take the boys for 2 hours so I could sleep, and then sleep until about an hour before he left for work, and would hold the boys for a few minutes so I could shower and eat). During this time, the boys got used to me and only me, and pretty much wouldn't go to anyone else, including Paul. When I went back to work for a month, I would call home to hear that they had been screaming all day, Andrew refused to eat, and Paul was stressed. That was a big reason why we decided I would be a stay-at-home mom. I wanted to be a SAHM, though, so I didn't mind too much.

I wasn't too anxious when I was with the boys, but the moment I left them with someone else or put them to bed, it felt like I couldn't breathe. Andrew was very colicky and particular. I didn't make it through a church service until they were 10 or 11 months old, because Andrew would scream hysterically. So I would sit in church, staring at the number box (call system they have for parents), and wait for my number to show up, which it did, every Sunday. The first week they made it through, I was sure the thing was broken. One other time, I was amazed at how well they were doing, and then had a nursery worker come get me because it really was broken. Even leaving them with Paul so I could go to the grocery store left me in such an anxious state. I needed the time away, because you need breaks as a mother! But I knew that leaving meant that they would scream and cry, often the whole time I was gone, and I could not stop worrying, no matter what I did. I would pray, breathe deeply, think about something else... but nothing I did worked.

Nighttime was terrible. Because Matthew was still getting up throughout the night, I would go to bed with such a sense of anxiety because I knew he would start crying and I could not relax enough to go to sleep. I would lay there with such anxiety until he would cry and I would nurse him and then I could usually go to sleep. And the advice on it all was the worst. I would tell someone (or everyone) and it was, "have you tried this, have you tried this, you should do this, you should do that," and I know that people were just trying to help, but it made me so anxious and thinking that they didn't think I was a good mom because my baby wasn't sleeping through the night, or that I was doing something wrong. The thing was, I usually had tried their advice, but it didn't work and I felt like a failure. I have had some perspective, and I know now that they were just trying to help. But I stopped talking about it unless asked, but that just made it worse.

As I look back on it now, I think I had a serious case of postpartum depression. And I think it manifested mostly in my anxiety, although I would get angry at people for no reason at all. I was bitter that I didn't get to have a natural or even vaginal childbirth. OK, that still bothers me, but I am working to get past it. I was jealous of other people who it seemed to come so easily for. Sometimes I would even get angry that I had twins, because they are so difficult and singletons looked so easy. Even hard singletons looked easy because you could at least devote your attention to that baby instead of having to split it up and take care of two difficult babies, by myself. Shame on me, I know. I would even get angry that nobody helped me, which is ridiculous because they are my babies and my responsibility. Even in writing this, I know it's not even true, because people did help me, mainly my sister, and of course, Paul, and a lot of people brought us food- but when you are depressed, your depression lies to you, and that's what happened.

Since the boys have started eating crackers and snacks, around 10 or 11 months old, my anxiety has become a lot less. I now tell any nursery workers or babysitters (oh wait, that's my sister), if they get fussy, hand them a cracker. And they don't cry incessantly anymore. Andrew does sometimes, but it's not constantly, and I can leave him without him crying at all the entire time I am gone. And now that they are on table food, my anxiety has lessened even more. I don't feel the need to rush to get Matthew at night anymore. I will wait to see if he will stop crying, sometimes he does and sometimes he doesn't. I am confident that he will eventually stop, and am OK right now for getting up 1-3 times a night with him. Sometimes it is only one time a night! That is very encouraging for this heart!

Taco Bake

This is a recipe I came up with one day when I felt like tacos, but didn't feel like the traditional kind.

Ingredients:

1 can re fried beans

1 can black beans

1 can kidney beans

1 can tomatoes- drained (optional ingredient)

1/2 bag frozen corn

1 cup shredded cheese (or Colby jack)

1/2 pound ground meat (I chose beef), browned, drained and cooked with taco seasoning.

In a 10*13 baking pan, spread re fried beans on bottom. In large mixing bowl, mix the rest of the ingredients and pour over re fried beans. Bake at 350 for 30-45 minutes. I served mine over chips, but you can eat plain, in a tortilla shell, or with rice. All options are yummy!

Chicken, mashed potatoes, veggies

This is a pretty simple meal to make. I buy boneless, skinless chicken breast, marinate them in Italian dressing, and then put them on the George Foreman grill for 9 minutes. If they are big breasts, make sure you cut them in half to ensure they cooked the whole way through.

For the mashed potatoes, I tend to make them in large quantities, because I love leftovers, and the boys love mashed potatoes. So, cut into pieces the desired amount of potatoes you want, put in big pot, cover with water, and boil until the pieces are soft. Then drain the water, add milk and butter (or sour cream and chicken broth if you are watching your calories), mash it, then whip it with hand mixer. I usually peel the potatoes, but this time I didn't, and it was pretty tasty and a lot less work!

For the veggie: I used corn this time, but I usually do broccoli and cauliflower with a tiny cheese sprinkled on top. I boil it in water for 5 minutes and ta da- healthy and tasty meal! I forgot to take pictures of it, sorry.

Pizza Joe Cresent

I have had some requests for recipes from the meals I have made, so I have decided to do a daily, or semi daily recipe of the day. I made pancakes last night, but didn't think people needed a recipe to make those, since you can buy ready made pancake mix and just add water.

Tonight I made Pizza Joe Crescents. They are not my recipe, but Pillsbury, so I do not take credit. But this is how I made it:

1/2 pound ground meat (I used beef), browned and drained.

a handful of turkey pepperoni cut into fours

a cup of pasta sauce

3/4 cup mozzarella cheese

1 pkg crescent rolls

Mix all except rolls into medium bowl, then separate the crescent rolls and put the mixture into the rolls and roll them out. Bake at 375 degrees for 18-20 minutes. Enjoy!

When I asked Paul what he thought of them, he answered, "Not bad," which is his way of torturing me by really liking it, but not wanting to sound impressed. The twins also gobbled them up. And I had more than I meant to. So, all in all, a success.

Nightly tales

Matthew is still not sleeping through the night. He still wakes up an average of 3 times per night. I have tried nearly everything. I have tried the cry it out method for a week and let him cry for 2 hours before I couldn't take it anymore. I have tried going in and walking him around, but not nursing him. Nothing has worked- he is stubborn, more stubborn than I am. I have tried reducing the time I spend in his room. Finally, I have come to accept this as part of my life. Sometimes I get depressed about it, but usually I am OK and just realize that this won't happen forever. Maybe when he is weaned he will stop getting up in the middle of the night. I don't know. But I am better when I accept my reality, no matter how difficult it may be.

About 6 weeks ago, Matthew went through a phase ( and later learned 4 teeth were coming through) where he would not sleep in his own crib. He insisted on me holding him, and sleeping with me, and that was both awful and wonderful all at the same time. In fact, that is how I view him waking up throughout the night- awful and wonderful. Awful because it interrupts my sleep, and wonderful because those are the most tender and sweet moments I have with him. I can't even describe the wonderfulness of how he feels sleeping on my shoulder after he is done nursing. I can't wait until he is sleeping through the night, but at the same time, I will miss the nighttime closeness.

Andrew is typically a great sleeper and sleeps an average of 11 hours a night (unless he is teething or sick). One night when I was nursing Matthew, Andrew sat up in his crib, facing the door. He didn't make a peep, but just sat watching the door. I was hoping he wouldn't turn around and see me, because if he did, he would insist on being nursed too, and he takes 20 minutes, whereas Matthew is around 5 minutes. So I sat rocking Matthew, watching Andrew, and hoping he would go back to sleep, when all of the sudden Andrew started snoring and fell over, which did not wake him up. Oh, how that made me laugh- inwardly, of course!

December meal plan

I just realized that the last time I have updated my blog was during my last monthly meal planning. I am going to try and do so much better from this day forth! Anyway, here is my December meal plan- sorry that we are 4 days into the month.

1. Leftovers (taco bake and beef stew)
2. Mexican casserole
3. Hamburgers and homemade fries (both regular and sweet potato)
4. Cabbage Delight (*note* if something doesn't have a name, the main ingredient + the word delight becomes the name)- cabbage, beef, and mashed potatoes mixed together
5. Leftovers
6. Pancakes
7. Pizza Joe Crescents
8. Chicken, mashed potatoes, veggies
9. Chicken soup in crock pot
10. lasagna
11. Taco bake
12. Leftovers
13. Homemade pizza
14. Mexican chicken with salsa
15. minestrone soup
16. Tuna mac salad
17. chili
18. baked potatoes topped with chili
19. leftovers
20. Shepherd's pie
21. Grilled cheese and tomato soup
22. pizza
23. Chicken & veggies mixed with pasta
24. Chicken potpie
25. Turkey dinner
26. leftovers
27. tortellini
28. Grilled chicken fajita pasta
29. shrimp scampi
30. Grilled salsa chicken
31. spicy tuna melt

Last month worked out so well, with only a couple days not being made, that I am determined to keep it up. It helped us save money at the grocery store, as well as break up the monotony. I keep my calendar handy and add recipes that look interesting to the next month. Please feel free to add your own recipes so that we continue to have variety and new ideas!