I think I have said this before, but I will say it again. I absolutely love being a stay at home mom. I love being able to meet my babies' every need, love being able to watch them grow and learn and discover the world around them. For example, who knew that running water so so fascinating! I didn't realize that until Matthew would be looking around until I turn on the water and then he whips his head around to focus on that running water. Fascinating stuff.
That being said, I had no idea how hard it would be to be a stay at home mom. I had always thought that it would be a piece of cake- you get to play with your babies all day, and how hard is that? Well, as it turns out, that is not all that you do. My day starts between 5am-6am, except on lucky days like today when it started at 4:30am. And the boys aren't in bed until 8pm, sometimes a little earlier, rarely a little later. Yes, they do nap, but rarely at the same time, and Andrew only naps in 20-30 minute increments. That, along with the night time wakings (between 2-6, lately more on the 6 side due to teething), and it makes for long days and long nights. Being on call 24/7 to meet the needs of two little people is hard. Really hard.
As much as the lack of sleep and utter exhaustion is hard, I think the hardest thing about being a stay at home mom is the loneliness. I have virtually no one to talk to. Even when Paul is home, it is hard to have a conversation because of the needs of the babies. And because of that, my communication skills are virtually gone. I start a sentence and in the middle of it, the train of thought is gone, or I will put a word in a sentence that doesn't belong. I don't feel as sharp as I used to, because I talk to babies all day long. And as much as I love that, it's difficult being around people because I don't feel interesting or even a valuable communicator anymore, because let's face it, I'm not.
It takes a lot of sacrifice to be a stay at home mom. I have always been frugal, but we have had to take it to the next step. It is so worth it, though, because I believe that this is the most important job in the world. And we are surviving. We may not be rich, we may not be able to buy or do anything we want, but we are making it, and I am so grateful and happy to be able to make this sacrifice for the good of our family!
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Friday, May 7, 2010
Bedtime
Although I enjoy most of my time with my babies, I absolutely hate bedtime. It is the most stressful part of my day, and is usually when I am most exhausted, so my patience is also low. Around 6 or 6:30 every day, my babies become very fussy, which turn into screaming and uncontrollable crying. (I have tried putting them to bed at this time, but they only wake up an hour later, so I have to wait until 7 to start the bedtime process). I get them changed into their sleepers, nighttime diapers, and now recently, put Matthew's boots and bars on before I nurse them for the night.
Let me make an aside right here about the boots and bars. They have always been a pain to put on, but Paul was always there to help me, so it wasn't ever too bad (once we got into a rhythm and Matthew got used to them). And we always did it at a time where both boys were pleasant. However, now, it is torture. Because Paul works second shift, I have to put them on alone, and inevitably, Matthew will start kicking his leg, which will throw off the placement of his foot and I have to start all over again. And because they are super tired and ridiculously grumpy, I have to put them on while both boys are screaming. Well, Matthew usually whines, but doesn't start screaming until I get Andrew ready for bed.
So after they are ready for bed, I nurse them until they fall asleep and pray that they won't wake up during the transfer of nursing to getting up and putting them in their crib. That isn't so bad unless Matthew is in a really sensitive mood and will refuse to nurse when Andrew is nursing at the same time. That is really difficult for me because then I will have to listen to one of them scream until the other one is done nursing. And Matthew typically falls asleep much faster than Andrew, I have to make a choice of which one I feed first and which one to let scream. And sadly, it is usually Andrew that I let scream, even though he was fine nursing, because it is a much shorter time. I always feel bad, and I wish they would go back to tandem nursing consistently, because it was so much easier.
It is amazing to me, though, how every night I can't wait for them to go to bed because they are so fussy and I am so stressed out, but then they fall asleep and are snuggling up against me, and it takes me forever to actually put them to bed, because I love snuggling with them. As I have said before, there is no greater feeling than a baby sleeping in your arms. And then, when they are in their crib asleep, I just stand there staring at them, and am amazed at how sweet they are and I thank God that he gave them to me, and I pray for them that God will keep them safe, and that they will come to know Him at an early age and not stray from Him. I love my babies.
Let me make an aside right here about the boots and bars. They have always been a pain to put on, but Paul was always there to help me, so it wasn't ever too bad (once we got into a rhythm and Matthew got used to them). And we always did it at a time where both boys were pleasant. However, now, it is torture. Because Paul works second shift, I have to put them on alone, and inevitably, Matthew will start kicking his leg, which will throw off the placement of his foot and I have to start all over again. And because they are super tired and ridiculously grumpy, I have to put them on while both boys are screaming. Well, Matthew usually whines, but doesn't start screaming until I get Andrew ready for bed.
So after they are ready for bed, I nurse them until they fall asleep and pray that they won't wake up during the transfer of nursing to getting up and putting them in their crib. That isn't so bad unless Matthew is in a really sensitive mood and will refuse to nurse when Andrew is nursing at the same time. That is really difficult for me because then I will have to listen to one of them scream until the other one is done nursing. And Matthew typically falls asleep much faster than Andrew, I have to make a choice of which one I feed first and which one to let scream. And sadly, it is usually Andrew that I let scream, even though he was fine nursing, because it is a much shorter time. I always feel bad, and I wish they would go back to tandem nursing consistently, because it was so much easier.
It is amazing to me, though, how every night I can't wait for them to go to bed because they are so fussy and I am so stressed out, but then they fall asleep and are snuggling up against me, and it takes me forever to actually put them to bed, because I love snuggling with them. As I have said before, there is no greater feeling than a baby sleeping in your arms. And then, when they are in their crib asleep, I just stand there staring at them, and am amazed at how sweet they are and I thank God that he gave them to me, and I pray for them that God will keep them safe, and that they will come to know Him at an early age and not stray from Him. I love my babies.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Thankfulness
I must admit, I have a tendency to complain. I take for granted all of the blessings in my life. I really and truly have all that I could ever ask or desire, and yet, I still complain. It is a quality about myself that I really don't like, and something that I am working on.
Among the things that I complain about, or should I say lament about is being so overwhelmed with twins that I don't feel like I am a good mother and that I don't get enough time with each child individually. There are even times, when I am super stressed that I wish I had had singletons (the same children, just at separate times). I feel guilty for that thought, because I truly would not want anything else. I love my children. They are so special and wonderful and I am so grateful that God chose to bless me with them.
Today, in church, it really hit me how blessed I really am. I got teary eyed when the pastor was praying, thanking the Lord for all the new life in the church and the blessings that children are. My number was even called, saying that I needed to go to the nursery to tend to my child who was crying (ok, screaming uncontrollably). I took him and held him on my shoulder and told him it was ok, to which he sighed and fell asleep on my shoulder. Not chancing putting him down only for him to wake up in the transfer (which he typically does), I took him in the service with me and felt my heart burst with love for him as he slept peacefully on my shoulder for the remainder of the service and the time of fellowship afterward. A lady behind me started crying as she saw us, mother and child, in perfect serenity.
It was then that I recounted in my mind the horrible struggle it took for us to conceive and how unsure I was that I would ever have children. And the Lord has blessed me with not only one child, but two beautiful, wonderful, high maintenance children whom I love and adore. And even though I am constantly exhausted, usually stressed out, often lonely; I wouldn't trade my life for anyone else's in the world. I am thankful for my life where I pretty much have everything I have ever wanted even if it's not exactly how I envisioned it; my husband who is wonderful and provides for our family and loves me no matter what, even though I am usually neurotic and annoying; my children who are the light and joy of my life and bring so much happiness; and most importantly my Savior, who has saved me from such a terrible life and who loves me even when I am horrible and ungrateful. I choose thankfulness today, and hopefully will continue to choose thankfulness!
Among the things that I complain about, or should I say lament about is being so overwhelmed with twins that I don't feel like I am a good mother and that I don't get enough time with each child individually. There are even times, when I am super stressed that I wish I had had singletons (the same children, just at separate times). I feel guilty for that thought, because I truly would not want anything else. I love my children. They are so special and wonderful and I am so grateful that God chose to bless me with them.
Today, in church, it really hit me how blessed I really am. I got teary eyed when the pastor was praying, thanking the Lord for all the new life in the church and the blessings that children are. My number was even called, saying that I needed to go to the nursery to tend to my child who was crying (ok, screaming uncontrollably). I took him and held him on my shoulder and told him it was ok, to which he sighed and fell asleep on my shoulder. Not chancing putting him down only for him to wake up in the transfer (which he typically does), I took him in the service with me and felt my heart burst with love for him as he slept peacefully on my shoulder for the remainder of the service and the time of fellowship afterward. A lady behind me started crying as she saw us, mother and child, in perfect serenity.
It was then that I recounted in my mind the horrible struggle it took for us to conceive and how unsure I was that I would ever have children. And the Lord has blessed me with not only one child, but two beautiful, wonderful, high maintenance children whom I love and adore. And even though I am constantly exhausted, usually stressed out, often lonely; I wouldn't trade my life for anyone else's in the world. I am thankful for my life where I pretty much have everything I have ever wanted even if it's not exactly how I envisioned it; my husband who is wonderful and provides for our family and loves me no matter what, even though I am usually neurotic and annoying; my children who are the light and joy of my life and bring so much happiness; and most importantly my Savior, who has saved me from such a terrible life and who loves me even when I am horrible and ungrateful. I choose thankfulness today, and hopefully will continue to choose thankfulness!
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