Two years ago today, tragedy struck my body and my life as I miscarried our dear sweet Morgan. After years of trying to get pregnant, I was so excited when I finally was, and had so many hopes and dreams answered and beginning for the life of this child. I was nine weeks and two days along, when that fateful day came.
I think my miscarriage really shaped my life and my faith. I still hurt deeply and mourn the loss of my child. I wonder what life would be like if we had another, little older child running around. I wonder if we would still have the twins. More than anything, I miss him/her. I never got to hold that child in my arms, but I will always hold him/her in my heart. I will always remember the day I lost this child- 6-20-08 and I will always remember my due date 1-21-09.
Life is happier now that I have my two miracle babies, and they have repaired so much hurt in my life. They bring such a joy to my life that I never thought possible. But I still miss Morgan, and wish this child was still alive.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Weddings
Last weekend, my husband's brother Stephen got married. As I was sitting in the rehearsal trying to get some good photos, it occurred to me that I could only get the bridesmaids faces (already off to a good start, ha ha). Since I was sitting on the groom's side, I couldn't get any good ones of Stephen's face, and at best, only got his profile. It also occurred to me that it would be this way the following day at the wedding. Which got me thinking...
The bride's family will be taking pictures and get good pictures of Stephen and the groom's family will be taking pictures and will get good pictures of Kristen. And since the bride and groom face each other during the ceremony, it is much like the bride is looking at her husband's family that she is marrying into and accepting all of us as her family, and the same for Stephen to the bride's family.
And of course, that got me thinking of my own wedding day and the still made jokes about how I am the crazy one because I married into the family while all of them were born into the family. But see, when you are dating, engaged, and newly married, you don't realize the implications of marrying into your beloved's family. You are only thinking of your beloved and excited about spending your life with him/her. You don't realize the impact of your spouse's family on your marriage and life.
There are a lot of positives about this reality, for you have another family to love and to love you, a whole group of awesome people that you now fit with, and people who you care about and who care about you. That's the hope anyway! Because you were not born into this new family, you aren't always sure where you fit in, or if the family likes you- at least that's my experience. Of course, that's my MO in life- wondering if people truly do like me, but that's another story. Continuing on...
There is a lot of transition into this reality of marriage as well. The transition period is hard as you learn to leave your family and cleave to your beloved. It is hard for the family to think of you as married and treat you as such, especially if you married young, like my husband and I. Your family still thinks of you as children and treats you as such. And then there is this strange phenomenon where you act as you always did with your family of origin when you are around them. This can be very frustrating to your spouse, especially if it is very different than who you are now as a maturing individual. But you both do it! Usually. For instance, in my family of origin, I was the middle child (and hence, never feeling like I belonged- unfortunately a feeling I still have many times), shy, super sensitive, quiet, and stubborn. I think I have come a long way from those descriptors. I can still be pretty sensitive, although I try not to let things get to me.
Marriage is wonderful. It is very hard, but anything worth doing is hard! It takes a while, even a lifetime to figure each other out, to accept each other for who they are, and to get used to your spouse's family.
All of this because I couldn't get a good picture of Stephen... ha ha.
The bride's family will be taking pictures and get good pictures of Stephen and the groom's family will be taking pictures and will get good pictures of Kristen. And since the bride and groom face each other during the ceremony, it is much like the bride is looking at her husband's family that she is marrying into and accepting all of us as her family, and the same for Stephen to the bride's family.
And of course, that got me thinking of my own wedding day and the still made jokes about how I am the crazy one because I married into the family while all of them were born into the family. But see, when you are dating, engaged, and newly married, you don't realize the implications of marrying into your beloved's family. You are only thinking of your beloved and excited about spending your life with him/her. You don't realize the impact of your spouse's family on your marriage and life.
There are a lot of positives about this reality, for you have another family to love and to love you, a whole group of awesome people that you now fit with, and people who you care about and who care about you. That's the hope anyway! Because you were not born into this new family, you aren't always sure where you fit in, or if the family likes you- at least that's my experience. Of course, that's my MO in life- wondering if people truly do like me, but that's another story. Continuing on...
There is a lot of transition into this reality of marriage as well. The transition period is hard as you learn to leave your family and cleave to your beloved. It is hard for the family to think of you as married and treat you as such, especially if you married young, like my husband and I. Your family still thinks of you as children and treats you as such. And then there is this strange phenomenon where you act as you always did with your family of origin when you are around them. This can be very frustrating to your spouse, especially if it is very different than who you are now as a maturing individual. But you both do it! Usually. For instance, in my family of origin, I was the middle child (and hence, never feeling like I belonged- unfortunately a feeling I still have many times), shy, super sensitive, quiet, and stubborn. I think I have come a long way from those descriptors. I can still be pretty sensitive, although I try not to let things get to me.
Marriage is wonderful. It is very hard, but anything worth doing is hard! It takes a while, even a lifetime to figure each other out, to accept each other for who they are, and to get used to your spouse's family.
All of this because I couldn't get a good picture of Stephen... ha ha.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Conflicted
I have been conflicted lately on the topic of bedtime. For the past month, my boys, usually Matthew, has been getting up 3-7 times a night. This started happening when they figured out how to roll over, which is also when we started sleeping them in separate cribs. I attribute some of this to missing each other. They used to snuggle up close to each other and sleep practically on top of one another. It didn't matter how far apart we slept them from each other, they always found their way to each other to sleep. It was incredibly sweet. And then Matthew began rolling over, and because of his boots and bars, we decided to sleep them in separate cribs so that Matthew didn't clobber Andrew with his braces.
And that was the beginning of the end. Matthew rolls over in his sleep, or wakes up and rolls over- I'm not sure which one. Whichever one it is, he can't roll back over. He hasn't done it without his boots and bars on yet, and I am sure it will take him a little longer to figure it out once he does start rolling both ways. Therefore, he can't fall back to sleep. I have tried letting him scream it out (more on that in a bit), but when I went to check on him, I found him nearly thrashing and hitting his head on the crib. That really scared me. I have tried rolling him back over, which has only worked twice. The one night that I was determined not to nurse him every time he woke up was the night he woke up 7 times.
I am also conflicted about the whole "let them cry it out" thing anyway. In one way, I can see how it can be beneficial. They learn how to self-soothe and then I get to sleep more, which causes a lot of positives in my mood, patience levels, ability to comprehend/concentrate, and my mental health. (Let's face it, it can get depressing not being able to sleep).
On the other hand, I want my babies to know that they can trust me to be there for them when they need me. I am supposed to be an example for God for my children, and God is always there for me when I need Him. Shouldn't I be there for my children when they need me? I want my babies needs to be met- what if they are going through a growth spurt and are legitimately hungry. Or teething and need comfort. Or sick or hurt or wet? Every time that I convince myself to let them cry it out, I think of these things and talk myself right back out of it. And I remember the one time I was going to let them cry it out, lost my nerve, and it turned out Matthew had soaked through his diaper, outfit, and sheets.
Parenting is hard.
And that was the beginning of the end. Matthew rolls over in his sleep, or wakes up and rolls over- I'm not sure which one. Whichever one it is, he can't roll back over. He hasn't done it without his boots and bars on yet, and I am sure it will take him a little longer to figure it out once he does start rolling both ways. Therefore, he can't fall back to sleep. I have tried letting him scream it out (more on that in a bit), but when I went to check on him, I found him nearly thrashing and hitting his head on the crib. That really scared me. I have tried rolling him back over, which has only worked twice. The one night that I was determined not to nurse him every time he woke up was the night he woke up 7 times.
I am also conflicted about the whole "let them cry it out" thing anyway. In one way, I can see how it can be beneficial. They learn how to self-soothe and then I get to sleep more, which causes a lot of positives in my mood, patience levels, ability to comprehend/concentrate, and my mental health. (Let's face it, it can get depressing not being able to sleep).
On the other hand, I want my babies to know that they can trust me to be there for them when they need me. I am supposed to be an example for God for my children, and God is always there for me when I need Him. Shouldn't I be there for my children when they need me? I want my babies needs to be met- what if they are going through a growth spurt and are legitimately hungry. Or teething and need comfort. Or sick or hurt or wet? Every time that I convince myself to let them cry it out, I think of these things and talk myself right back out of it. And I remember the one time I was going to let them cry it out, lost my nerve, and it turned out Matthew had soaked through his diaper, outfit, and sheets.
Parenting is hard.
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