After evaluating myself recently, I have discovered that I have a lot of fear that I live with. I don't think I ever really realized how fearful I am, because in my head, I am pretty brave and courageous. I have been through a lot in my life and have always considered myself to be pretty strong. However true that may be, I also fear quite a bit.
I have silly fears like spiders and bugs. I have this weird fear that when my babies start crying, I am afraid that there are spiders in their crib and they are getting bitten. Not every time they cry, but when they scream suddenly. It freaks me out. I dash in there, and not once has that fear happened, thank the Lord! I saw arachnophobia as a child, and have been terrified of spiders ever since.
I get fearful when driving and someone acts erratically on the road. Or if I am in the passenger seat and the driver doesn't have his/her hands on the wheel and are doing other things, like scratching their eyes or trying to get a CD to put in the CD player. I know, I know, my small group members are mentally going "10 and 2, Paul" because I yelled that at him when we were driving through a construction zone and he was scratching his eye and swerved slightly.
However, the fear that paralyzes me is the thought of Paul and my precious babies dying. It terrifies me. I had a dream before the boys were born that we were driving to Hershey for Matthew's clubfeet appointment and we got into an accident and I was the only one who survived. I woke up, bawling my eyes out, and even as I write this, find myself crying. I would want to die with them. I can't imagine my entire family dying at the same time and ever being OK again. My prayer is that I will be able to see my babies grow up and that we will all die in old age.
I am also afraid of dying before my babies grow up. I can't imagine the damage that they would go through to have one of their parents die as a small child. My dad almost died when I was almost 8, and I can't envision my childhood or life without him. I think I would be very screwed up. Even more so than I am! He was my rock, and someone I could always go to and talk to about anything. I would be a very different person without him- a worse person.
I know nothing is promised to us. I am not promised to live to old age and I am not promised that my beloved husband or precious children will not go before me. That is what scares me the most. I can pray that these things will not happen, but they do happen to people. And who says it can't be me? I honestly don't know what I would do.
I am going through a bible study right now, and we have just faced this question: If your worst fear came true, what would you do? I don't know how long it would take me to get off the floor and stop wailing. I can't get past that part, but the leader encouraged us to keep saying, "then what would you do" until I get to the point where I am able to say, "If my family should die, then I know my God will take care of me." I know that is true. I know it more in my head than in my heart. I suppose that shows my lack of faith. I know that I would be miserable and angry and oh so damaged. I also know that I would eventually get to the place where I would put my trust in God for Him to take care of me. At least I hope so. However, in saying this, Lord, please don't let my worst fear come true!
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Hair
I am reminded of a scene in Little Women when Amy says to Jo after she cuts her hair, "Your one beauty." That is how I feel about my hair. I don't really see myself as much to look at, but the one thing I do think is attractive about myself is my hair. And maybe even my eyes. I have been blessed with good hair, and have only had one bad haircut (last year). But because of that haircut, I have been nervous about getting my hair cut again. But, it was time. What do you think?
Before (with Matthew)
After
From Back
Before (with Matthew)
After
From Back
It is the shortest I have ever had it, but I am thinking I might just like it.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Laughter
They say that laughter is the best medicine. Well, I believe it! And baby laughter is music to the soul! Andrew has been laughing since he was about a month old- in his sleep. And then a few weeks ago, he started laughing in response to Paul and I. I had the hiccups the other day and he was laughing hysterically. It was the only time I really liked having the hiccups. He has begun playing peek a boo, where he lays in the crook of my arm and turns his head into my arm and swings his head around and smiles. When he first started doing it, I thought he was tired, but then I realized he was playing. He started laughing when I say peek a boo. He loves that game. Paul was singing to him and there was this part where Paul was putting his face close to Andrew's face and he thought that was so funny and was giggling. Andrew also likes the game where we lean him forward to kiss his forehead. After a couple times, he will start leaning toward you to keep doing it. He loves to coo and squeal. He has recently begun squealing in this really high pitched squeal. Sometimes in delight, and sometimes in anger. He coos in response to questions- it is so funny and cute! He has the biggest smile, although I think the camera scares him because whenever I pull the camera out, he goes all bug eyed and scared looking.
Matthew is a little sweetie pie too. He loves to talk to you and has this cute little coo. He smiles when you talk to him and loves having your attention. He started laughing for the first time yesterday. He has cooed in delight or given one laughter/squeal for a couple months now. But yesterday, he was giggling. It was so great. I was changing him into his sleeper, so he was naked, except for his diaper. He LOVES being naked. Every time I change his diaper or his clothes, he starts dancing. He kicks his arms and legs and squirms his whole body in different directions, while smiling and cooing. It is so funny. And yes, he is the one who has the braces on his legs, but he manages! Yesterday, during his naked dancing, I was tickling his stomach by dancing my fingers over his tummy and up to his neck, and he started giggling hysterically. It was great. We did that over and over for about 15 minutes. It was so fun!
Matthew has also found his thumb and he LOVES it! He sucks it all of the time and is just so cute sucking on it. Andrew is still looking for his thumb. For now, it is the fist. I am confident that with time, he will find it! :)
Matthew is a little sweetie pie too. He loves to talk to you and has this cute little coo. He smiles when you talk to him and loves having your attention. He started laughing for the first time yesterday. He has cooed in delight or given one laughter/squeal for a couple months now. But yesterday, he was giggling. It was so great. I was changing him into his sleeper, so he was naked, except for his diaper. He LOVES being naked. Every time I change his diaper or his clothes, he starts dancing. He kicks his arms and legs and squirms his whole body in different directions, while smiling and cooing. It is so funny. And yes, he is the one who has the braces on his legs, but he manages! Yesterday, during his naked dancing, I was tickling his stomach by dancing my fingers over his tummy and up to his neck, and he started giggling hysterically. It was great. We did that over and over for about 15 minutes. It was so fun!
Matthew has also found his thumb and he LOVES it! He sucks it all of the time and is just so cute sucking on it. Andrew is still looking for his thumb. For now, it is the fist. I am confident that with time, he will find it! :)
Sunday, March 7, 2010
What do you want to be when you grow up?
What do you want to be when you grow up? For as long as I can remember the answer to that question has always been a mommy. More specifically, a stay-at-home mommy. When I was little, however, I didn't realize there was a difference. My mom always stayed home with us- she worked out of our home. I didn't realize mothers worked outside the home. However, I soon came to realize that this was an unacceptable answer. I must have bigger dream, better aspirations than to be a stay at home mom. And, as my wise father pointed out, what happens if that is not possible. What is my back up plan? So that answer turned to being a teacher. So that is the answer I gave to the feared question of what do you want to be? But that never connected to what I really wanted to do.
I recently came across an old yearbook from my senior year. In it had the question, "Where do you see yourself in 10 years?" My answer: "I see myself being married to a pastor, working in ministry next to him, have five children, and driving a Chevy blazer." I know, I know, a Chevy blazer! What in the world!?! It has now been 11 years since I graduated high school, and none of those dreams have come true. My vision for myself in my youth is not the same as my reality. Oh, and I don't think I wrote it down, but my vision for myself was to be thin as well. Blew yet another aspiration! If we rewind a year, to the ten year mark, I was not driving the car of my dreams, had no children with no hope of having children, and did not have the profession of my dreams, my husband didn't have the job I wanted him to have, and I was fat.
Oh the difference a year makes. I still don't drive the car of my dreams (although, it is no longer my dream car), my husband doesn't have the profession I thought he would (although, that is no longer important to me), I don't have 5 kids. BUT, I do have two wonderful children whom I love adoringly. I am pretty sure I no longer want 5 kids. I'm still fat. BUT, my husband and I have worked it out that I will be able to be a stay at home mom. At 2:01pm today, I will officially be a stay at home mom. The premise of my dreams have come true. Not every specific detail has happened or will happen, but what was most important to me as a child, teenager, young adult has now come into play, and I am thrilled.
Although I am giving up my career willingly, I have to admit, I had a twinge of regret over giving up my job. Maybe not regret- maybe sorrow, a little grief. I have worked hard to be where I am at today. Once I got to college, I took education courses and realized I didn't like it. My psychology courses were a much better fit. I think it helped me come to terms with my difficult childhood and I wanted to help others with a past similar to mine. I wanted to work with children. In my master's of counseling work, I aspired to be a family counselor. Yet I hated the one job where I worked with families (although it was in their homes, and that could be the reason). A few jobs later, I look back and realize that I have not really been satisfied with any job I had. But, I was working toward a goal of being a licensed counselor, and maybe once that goal was accomplished, I could find a job that would suit me better instead of the ones I have held that weren't the best fit for me.
I wrestled over giving up my job. I would have liked to have worked one day a week or when my coworkers were on vacation- filling in now and then. I didn't want to give it up completely. I have a hard time saying goodbye to things. I latch on pretty tight, and have to make a mental disconnect before I am willing to let things go. I have to go through a mourning period. I am going to miss my coworkers most of all. I am not sure how it is with other jobs, but in the human services field, you really rely on your coworkers and become friends with them. They understand you like no one else, because they do the job too. And the job is draining. But just that little bit of understanding goes a long way.
So yes. I give up my job willingly. And doing so helps to fulfill my longtime dream of staying home with my children. I love my babies so much! They are so sweet and wonderful! I am a little nervous that I will never come back to this career that I have spent so much time and energy investing in. Although, like my dreams from high school are different now, my dreams for my life in 10 years will probably be different than they are now. However, the one dream that has remained constant is the dream to be a stay at home mom, and to shape my children's character to be good people who love God and are committed to Him and love others.
This begins a whole new chapter in my life. I am excited and scared all at the same time. I am very grateful to my husband who is willing to make sacrifices and work hard to make this dream a reality. And I am thankful to God who has provided and given us a way so that I can stay home.
I recently came across an old yearbook from my senior year. In it had the question, "Where do you see yourself in 10 years?" My answer: "I see myself being married to a pastor, working in ministry next to him, have five children, and driving a Chevy blazer." I know, I know, a Chevy blazer! What in the world!?! It has now been 11 years since I graduated high school, and none of those dreams have come true. My vision for myself in my youth is not the same as my reality. Oh, and I don't think I wrote it down, but my vision for myself was to be thin as well. Blew yet another aspiration! If we rewind a year, to the ten year mark, I was not driving the car of my dreams, had no children with no hope of having children, and did not have the profession of my dreams, my husband didn't have the job I wanted him to have, and I was fat.
Oh the difference a year makes. I still don't drive the car of my dreams (although, it is no longer my dream car), my husband doesn't have the profession I thought he would (although, that is no longer important to me), I don't have 5 kids. BUT, I do have two wonderful children whom I love adoringly. I am pretty sure I no longer want 5 kids. I'm still fat. BUT, my husband and I have worked it out that I will be able to be a stay at home mom. At 2:01pm today, I will officially be a stay at home mom. The premise of my dreams have come true. Not every specific detail has happened or will happen, but what was most important to me as a child, teenager, young adult has now come into play, and I am thrilled.
Although I am giving up my career willingly, I have to admit, I had a twinge of regret over giving up my job. Maybe not regret- maybe sorrow, a little grief. I have worked hard to be where I am at today. Once I got to college, I took education courses and realized I didn't like it. My psychology courses were a much better fit. I think it helped me come to terms with my difficult childhood and I wanted to help others with a past similar to mine. I wanted to work with children. In my master's of counseling work, I aspired to be a family counselor. Yet I hated the one job where I worked with families (although it was in their homes, and that could be the reason). A few jobs later, I look back and realize that I have not really been satisfied with any job I had. But, I was working toward a goal of being a licensed counselor, and maybe once that goal was accomplished, I could find a job that would suit me better instead of the ones I have held that weren't the best fit for me.
I wrestled over giving up my job. I would have liked to have worked one day a week or when my coworkers were on vacation- filling in now and then. I didn't want to give it up completely. I have a hard time saying goodbye to things. I latch on pretty tight, and have to make a mental disconnect before I am willing to let things go. I have to go through a mourning period. I am going to miss my coworkers most of all. I am not sure how it is with other jobs, but in the human services field, you really rely on your coworkers and become friends with them. They understand you like no one else, because they do the job too. And the job is draining. But just that little bit of understanding goes a long way.
So yes. I give up my job willingly. And doing so helps to fulfill my longtime dream of staying home with my children. I love my babies so much! They are so sweet and wonderful! I am a little nervous that I will never come back to this career that I have spent so much time and energy investing in. Although, like my dreams from high school are different now, my dreams for my life in 10 years will probably be different than they are now. However, the one dream that has remained constant is the dream to be a stay at home mom, and to shape my children's character to be good people who love God and are committed to Him and love others.
This begins a whole new chapter in my life. I am excited and scared all at the same time. I am very grateful to my husband who is willing to make sacrifices and work hard to make this dream a reality. And I am thankful to God who has provided and given us a way so that I can stay home.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
