What do you want to be when you grow up?

What do you want to be when you grow up? For as long as I can remember the answer to that question has always been a mommy. More specifically, a stay-at-home mommy. When I was little, however, I didn't realize there was a difference. My mom always stayed home with us- she worked out of our home. I didn't realize mothers worked outside the home. However, I soon came to realize that this was an unacceptable answer. I must have bigger dream, better aspirations than to be a stay at home mom. And, as my wise father pointed out, what happens if that is not possible. What is my back up plan? So that answer turned to being a teacher. So that is the answer I gave to the feared question of what do you want to be? But that never connected to what I really wanted to do.

I recently came across an old yearbook from my senior year. In it had the question, "Where do you see yourself in 10 years?" My answer: "I see myself being married to a pastor, working in ministry next to him, have five children, and driving a Chevy blazer." I know, I know, a Chevy blazer! What in the world!?! It has now been 11 years since I graduated high school, and none of those dreams have come true. My vision for myself in my youth is not the same as my reality. Oh, and I don't think I wrote it down, but my vision for myself was to be thin as well. Blew yet another aspiration! If we rewind a year, to the ten year mark, I was not driving the car of my dreams, had no children with no hope of having children, and did not have the profession of my dreams, my husband didn't have the job I wanted him to have, and I was fat.

Oh the difference a year makes. I still don't drive the car of my dreams (although, it is no longer my dream car), my husband doesn't have the profession I thought he would (although, that is no longer important to me), I don't have 5 kids. BUT, I do have two wonderful children whom I love adoringly. I am pretty sure I no longer want 5 kids. I'm still fat. BUT, my husband and I have worked it out that I will be able to be a stay at home mom. At 2:01pm today, I will officially be a stay at home mom. The premise of my dreams have come true. Not every specific detail has happened or will happen, but what was most important to me as a child, teenager, young adult has now come into play, and I am thrilled.

Although I am giving up my career willingly, I have to admit, I had a twinge of regret over giving up my job. Maybe not regret- maybe sorrow, a little grief. I have worked hard to be where I am at today. Once I got to college, I took education courses and realized I didn't like it. My psychology courses were a much better fit. I think it helped me come to terms with my difficult childhood and I wanted to help others with a past similar to mine. I wanted to work with children. In my master's of counseling work, I aspired to be a family counselor. Yet I hated the one job where I worked with families (although it was in their homes, and that could be the reason). A few jobs later, I look back and realize that I have not really been satisfied with any job I had. But, I was working toward a goal of being a licensed counselor, and maybe once that goal was accomplished, I could find a job that would suit me better instead of the ones I have held that weren't the best fit for me.

I wrestled over giving up my job. I would have liked to have worked one day a week or when my coworkers were on vacation- filling in now and then. I didn't want to give it up completely. I have a hard time saying goodbye to things. I latch on pretty tight, and have to make a mental disconnect before I am willing to let things go. I have to go through a mourning period. I am going to miss my coworkers most of all. I am not sure how it is with other jobs, but in the human services field, you really rely on your coworkers and become friends with them. They understand you like no one else, because they do the job too. And the job is draining. But just that little bit of understanding goes a long way.

So yes. I give up my job willingly. And doing so helps to fulfill my longtime dream of staying home with my children. I love my babies so much! They are so sweet and wonderful! I am a little nervous that I will never come back to this career that I have spent so much time and energy investing in. Although, like my dreams from high school are different now, my dreams for my life in 10 years will probably be different than they are now. However, the one dream that has remained constant is the dream to be a stay at home mom, and to shape my children's character to be good people who love God and are committed to Him and love others.

This begins a whole new chapter in my life. I am excited and scared all at the same time. I am very grateful to my husband who is willing to make sacrifices and work hard to make this dream a reality. And I am thankful to God who has provided and given us a way so that I can stay home.