Fear

After evaluating myself recently, I have discovered that I have a lot of fear that I live with. I don't think I ever really realized how fearful I am, because in my head, I am pretty brave and courageous. I have been through a lot in my life and have always considered myself to be pretty strong. However true that may be, I also fear quite a bit.

I have silly fears like spiders and bugs. I have this weird fear that when my babies start crying, I am afraid that there are spiders in their crib and they are getting bitten. Not every time they cry, but when they scream suddenly. It freaks me out. I dash in there, and not once has that fear happened, thank the Lord! I saw arachnophobia as a child, and have been terrified of spiders ever since.

I get fearful when driving and someone acts erratically on the road. Or if I am in the passenger seat and the driver doesn't have his/her hands on the wheel and are doing other things, like scratching their eyes or trying to get a CD to put in the CD player. I know, I know, my small group members are mentally going "10 and 2, Paul" because I yelled that at him when we were driving through a construction zone and he was scratching his eye and swerved slightly.

However, the fear that paralyzes me is the thought of Paul and my precious babies dying. It terrifies me. I had a dream before the boys were born that we were driving to Hershey for Matthew's clubfeet appointment and we got into an accident and I was the only one who survived. I woke up, bawling my eyes out, and even as I write this, find myself crying. I would want to die with them. I can't imagine my entire family dying at the same time and ever being OK again. My prayer is that I will be able to see my babies grow up and that we will all die in old age.

I am also afraid of dying before my babies grow up. I can't imagine the damage that they would go through to have one of their parents die as a small child. My dad almost died when I was almost 8, and I can't envision my childhood or life without him. I think I would be very screwed up. Even more so than I am! He was my rock, and someone I could always go to and talk to about anything. I would be a very different person without him- a worse person.

I know nothing is promised to us. I am not promised to live to old age and I am not promised that my beloved husband or precious children will not go before me. That is what scares me the most. I can pray that these things will not happen, but they do happen to people. And who says it can't be me? I honestly don't know what I would do.

I am going through a bible study right now, and we have just faced this question: If your worst fear came true, what would you do? I don't know how long it would take me to get off the floor and stop wailing. I can't get past that part, but the leader encouraged us to keep saying, "then what would you do" until I get to the point where I am able to say, "If my family should die, then I know my God will take care of me." I know that is true. I know it more in my head than in my heart. I suppose that shows my lack of faith. I know that I would be miserable and angry and oh so damaged. I also know that I would eventually get to the place where I would put my trust in God for Him to take care of me. At least I hope so. However, in saying this, Lord, please don't let my worst fear come true!