Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas! This is a very exciting time in the Oakley household. The boys are very excited about the lights and tree and all of the pretty decorations. We are doing an advent calendar this year and the boys love it! Now, it could be the chocolate that is in the calendar, but the boys are excited to learn their lesson and join in our prayer to thank Jesus for coming to save us, and of course, to thank Him for their chocolate.

We have had a few major things happen in our family this year. Paul’s dad got married in April to a lovely lady named Nina. We met her at the wedding and liked her immediately and are excited about getting to know her better. We were all honored to be in the wedding, and the boys were adorable ring bearers (although they didn’t actually carry the rings).
Two days after the excitement of the wedding, the trial started for the man who killed my aunt and three cousins. It was a 25 year old cold case and my entire family felt incredible relief when a guilty verdict was rendered. We are praising the Lord for this, while trusting him for peace and healing in the hearts of our family members.

We started the year with babies and ended this year with active toddlers. They are the delights of our hearts and are so incredible. It is amazing how they have healed my heart after my two miscarriages and having them has made going through my third miscarriage early this year be not quite as painful.
Matthew is talking up a storm and is repeating everything people say. He tends to be more dominant at home (shy with new people) and takes care of his brother by bringing blankeys and drinks when Andrew is sad. He is an incredible snuggler, even though he rarely stops long enough to do so. He loves his cars, trucks, and balls. His feet are doing really well, and he doesn’t put much of a fight putting his braces on, thankfully.
Andrew is quieter, but gets his point across and is incredibly funny. He is very busy, but he does like to sit on your lap and cuddle. One of Andrew’s favorite things is to lay on the floor and drive his cars or trucks around. Sometimes, it is just any toys he can pretend are cars. Andrew is very friendly and more dominant in public and with new people. Andrew’s eye condition is stable, and not quite as sensitive to sunlight.

Paul and I are doing well. Paul continues to be an assistant manager at Sheetz. He works a lot of hours and it can be hard sometimes when we don’t see him a lot, but we appreciate all he does for our family. I do my best to keep the house running smoothly, although it can be hard when I have two little tornados coming behind me.

A few prayer requests: Andrew and Matthew both have umbilical hernias. Andrew’s is worse and had a consult with a surgeon, who is letting us wait a year to see if it will go away on its own. By the time they are three, if they haven’t healed, they will have to have surgery. Please prayer for healing. Please pray for Matthew’s feet, because they still turn in a little when he walks and if the braces don’t correct this, he will have to have surgery when he’s 4.

Merry Christmas!

Paul, Sarah, Matthew, and Andrew

Lies

While hosting the Chinese students, I noticed one of their hygiene products on the bathroom counter. The brand name was called "Simple Life" and the product was "Whitening Body Wash." One of the things I previously new about Asian culture is that they believe that being white is beautiful and you have more chance of success the whiter you are. Some will bleach their skin in order to obtain this supposed beauty. And apparently, they will sell you body wash that is supposed to whiten your body and create a simple life for you. Sad. Very sad.

This got me thinking about the things that our culture lies to us about. A product that I recently bought came to mind that is clinically proven to reduce cellulite. Now, I will not disclose whether I have cellulite or not, but I will tell you that this product did not work. And how many products are proven to make you look more youthful, reverse the effects of aging, etc, etc.

Another lie that really makes me mad is the whole "Someday my prince will come" mantra. I tell you, this does not exist. Perfectly wonderful men are rejected because they are not perfect and are unable to rescue you from your situation. There is no such thing as a perfect man. And I will assure you that once you are married, there is no happily ever after. This does not exist. So many people divorce because they believe this lie that once you get married, it solves all of your problems and you are supposed to live happily ever after. Marriage is hard work. Somedays are harder than others, but you have to work on it every day of your lives. You have to be willing to forgive each other your shortcomings, protect each other, and pray for one another. And above all else, love one another, no matter what. It's easier said than done... some days.

Another lie that I am personally affected by is that only thin people are beautiful. I feel very vulnerable even writing this, let alone knowing people will read this, but here we go. One of the lies that have bought into regarding myself and myself alone is that I am not pretty because I am fat. I was told growing up that no one would ever love me if I was fat. I was told that I would be so pretty if only I would lose weight. I think part of me set out to prove this wrong, as I gained a lot of weight in college, fell in love and was/is loved back from Paul and we got married, to work very hard on our marriage (as opposed to lived happily ever after, hehe).

I recently read in a book about thyroid disorders (I have hypothyroidism), that you need to stop putting your life on hold until you lose your weight. This is exactly what I do. I say to myself that once I lose this weight, then I will buy nicer clothes, go on vacations, develop deeper relationships with friends. I have bought into the lie that people don't like me solely based on my weight. Any time I feel any sort of rejection (real or imagined), I blame my weight. Literally. Every single time. I pull away from people and don't do things because I am so ashamed of the way that I look. Any time someone makes a fat joke or mentions some one else's weight, I wonder if they are indirectly talking about me. I put way too much emphasis on my weight.

I know that these are Satan's lies telling me that I am unlovable or unlikeable because of the way that I look. It's hard to get him out of my ear, though. I know that it is Satan's lies in the media about image and what is pretty or that your marriage isn't working because you aren't living happily ever after. I need to believe more of what God says about me- that He loves me. I need to meditate on His truths, especially when my mind is being attacked!

My Chinese Experience

A few weeks ago, I knew relatively little about China. To be honest, I still don't know much, but I know more now than I did, and I care now whereas before I didn't even think about China to care about it or its people. About 2 weeks ago, all of that changed. I met three incredible Chinese girls, who made a place in my heart forever. They will always be my Chinese daughters.

I know I only hosted these girls for a week, and that doesn't sound long enough to grow to love someone, but I was in love with these girls after the first day. Sure, at times, it was incredibly awkward, and the language barrier was hard. Google translate helped, but it wasn't always with us. For example, one day when I picked them up, Eve had a huge stuffed animal that she had one at the sports emporium. It was too large to travel with, so she gave it to the boys. She went to put it in the back of the van, and I told her it needed to be in a seatbelt. She got all embarrassed and said, "Ok" and I told her I was teasing. She continued to come around to the side of the van, so I told Annie (who was the best with her English) to tell her I was teasing, but that word apparently wasn't one she knew and said it was ok. I finally came up with the word joking, which they knew, and we all had a big laugh. To be fair though, I have a very dry sense of humor, and a lot of my American friends don't get my jokes.

I didn't think their stay would disrupt our routine very much, but to be honest, it did. Our mornings are the same. The boys wake me up, so I get up and get dressed, and we all snuggle while they drink their milk. Then we go on a walk while they eat their breakfast (cereal). The boys then play outside until naptime. Because the girls were 11, 12, & 13, I couldn't leave them in the house to get ready by themselves, so our morning routine was non-existant, and we couldn't postpone things due to the incredible heat wave. So the boys got almost no outside time this week, which was hard on them. The other way our routine was disrupted was that we had to pick the girls up at the time that we usually eat dinner (5pm- yes, I know that is ridiculously early). So it pushed back dinner, and was hard to get dinner ready because I couldn't cook it until we got home. Side note: I prepared meals everyday, and Thursday I ran out of eggs and didn't realize it until it was nearly time to pick them up. So I couldn't make the chicken potpie like I had planned and was freaking out because I didn't know what I was going to serve them. It occurred to me that we had some hot dogs and french fries, so that's what we had. I felt incredibly guilty about it, but as it turned out, it was their favorite meal. Typical teenager! They were crying out "Delicious, thank you so much!" When every other meal was eaten in silence and I couldn't tell if they liked it or not.

Those were the only issues, if you can even call them that. They adored the boys and the boys adored them. In the morning and after dinner, they would play with the boys and took tons of pictures of them. Most of our conversation was about the boys. I had games planned to do with them for after the boys went to bed, but the girls retreated to their room while I was putting the boys down. Even after I assured them that they could come downstairs, they said they had to study. I'm not sure any studying was done, but there sure was laughter, so I guess they had a good time.

I was happy my sister babysat for us so we could go to the closing program. All of the students took part in singing songs and much to my surprise, Annie directed a few of the songs. It turned out it was Eve's birthday, so we sang to her, but I was sad I didn't get to make her a cake. At the end, each girl presented us with a thank you card. My favorite part of each card was that they said that Andrew and Nephew were like brothers to them. I had no idea that they thought Matthew's name was Nephew- so funny. The cards made me tear up, and when they left, I cried.

It is hard to believe that I will probably never see them again. They impacted my life forever, and China will always be in my heart because of them. In China, you are only allowed to have one child, and if you have a second, you have to pay a lot of money to the government to keep that child. I couldn't bring myself to ask what would happen if you had twins or couldn't afford to pay for the second child. I think I know the answer. In elementary school, you go to school from 8am-4pm and are able to live at home. Once you are in middle and high school, you go to school from 7:30am-9pm, and you have to live at school. I can't imagine the heartache of only being allowed to have one child and then having to send them to school every week throughout the year, except for one month during the summer and one month during the winter.

I'm thankful to have had this opportunity to have my eyes opened to another culture and other people. Too often, I go through life and don't think about anyone else except my little family and our little routine, and become discontent with the little that we have. I am glad that this opened my eyes to the many blessings in my life that I take for granted everyday. Like having the freedom of religion and being able to express that the only way to heaven is to believe in Jesus as my personal Lord and Savior. That Jesus came down from Heaven to live life as a man so that he would die for my (and every one's) sins and rose again and now lives in Heaven. And all we need to do in order to have a relationship with Him is to believe this and ask him to be the Lord of your life.

Thank you, Lord, for my freedom. And please help others know You. Help me to live my life so that others will want to follow you too.

Chinese Exchange Students

About a week ago, I got an email from one of my KMOM (Keystone Mothers of Multiples) members asking for help to host some Chinese exchange students for a week. I agreed with excitement, and then immediately became ridiculously nervous. It mounted as I feared what to feed them. Once I got the menu squared away, I then relaxed, only to become nervous about how to entertain them. It's easy when they boys are awake- they are the center of attention and can entertain anyone. But what do I do once the boys go to bed. I tried to relax and not think about it, because I can become ridiculous.

I immediately relaxed once we walked into the church to meet them. The whole auditorium was enthralled with the boys- touching them, clapping and laughing at them. I realized they weren't as scary as I was making them out to be. They are all 12-14 in age, and seemed very sweet. My name was called and I was assigned three sweet girls- Eve, Annie, and Sanny (their American names).

Once we got in the car, I tried to initiate some small talk, and I think I scared the poor girl who was riding in the front because she turned around to one of the girls in the backseat. So, I changed the question to "Do you like music?" I got a positive response, so we listened to the radio.

When we got to the house, I showed them to their room, and was a little afraid they weren't going to come out for dinner, but they did. They gave us presents, and I was so grateful that the leader gave us stuff for them, so I presented them with a Chinese Bible, and they went back upstairs, I guess to put the Bible away. When they came back down, they sat silently with their heads bowed over their food as they ate, not looking up, not talking. I guess this is customary? But I felt like I was forcing them to eat something disgusting, when it was just a bland soup. They looked to each other to see what they should do with their napkins, and followed my lead.

Then we all played with the boys, read books, chitchatted, and when it was the boys' bedtime, I started to take them upstairs, saying I was going to put the boys to bed. They followed and went into their bedroom. I came out of putting the boys to bed and had no idea what to do. So I brought them towels, showed them where the phone was so they could call their parents with their calling cards, and told them they could come back downstairs if they wanted to. They are still upstairs, so I am sure they are still calling their parents, and getting ready for bed. I'm sure they are tired, with all of their traveling. I just hope they know they don't have to stay up there.

I'm a little at a loss as to what to do. They are super sweet, and I really like them. Their English is pretty good. They were able to read the boys their books, so I think they are more comfortable reading than at conversational English. It's interesting the difference between the cultures already!

Weaning

Two and a half weeks ago, when I found out I was pregnant, I realized that I would not be getting a break with my body for several years. I was pregnant with the twins for 9 months, nursing them currently, and here I was pregnant again. Then I miscarried, which was a lot harder emotionally than I thought it was going to be. A week after I started miscarrying, Matthew suddenly weaned himself. I nursed him March 10th, the day he turned 16 months old, in the morning, and that was it for him. He wouldn't nurse anymore after that. I was ok with it. I still had Andrew, who was nursing 4 times a day (in the morning, for both naps, and bedtime). And then 3 days later, on March 13th, Andrew suddenly weaned himself after his morning feeding. Just like that. No gradual about it.

So there I was, miscarrying, and the next week, both boys weaned within 3 days of each other. I can't even begin to describe how whacked out my hormones were. Are. I had the worst headaches, which were the worst part. I was so full of milk going from six feedings a day to zero. I felt like I was going to explode! And to be honest, as glad as I am that I didn't have to wean them, I am a little sad that I didn't know and get to enjoy my last feedings with them and savor the moments. I am sad that they don't need me in that way anymore. I had something nobody else had. It was like a super power, a secret weapon. If nothing else would calm them, my breasts would.

When I first started nursing the boys, my goal was to nurse them until they were 12 months old, at the very least. I was hoping to nurse them until they were 18 months, and no longer than 2 years old. We have two big trips coming up- one in April to GA and one in June to a lake in VA. I don't know how they will respond to sleeping in a new place, so I was waiting to wean them until after those trips were over in case they needed help sleeping. Now, I am a little more scared of how these trips are going to go without my secret weapons.

As sad as I am that they are done nursing, I will say that bedtime has become much easier. Before, I would put Matthew's boots and bars on, change and diaper him, then nurse him for 5-15 minutes, and put him to bed. Then I would come back downstairs and diaper and change Andrew and feed him for 20-40 minutes, and then put him to bed. Now, I change them, sing them a song while rocking both of them, and put them both in their cribs and walk out the door. Ten minutes as opposed to an hour- not too shabby. Naps are a lot faster too.

I'm still going to miss it, though.

Facebook: Friend or Foe

When I first got on facebook, it was a neat site that I could get on to kind of supplement my social life. I worked, went to school, and hung out with friends, so I did not depend on facebook as my primary source to the outside world. This was back when you had to have a school email address to join- it was not open to everyone like it is now.

Somewhere along the way, things shifted and I began to rely on facebook more and more for my social connection to the world. I still worked and still spent time with friends and family, so I was connected and facebook was still just a fun way to interact and keep up with people.

After the twins were born, my world kind of closed in. My world became this house, these babies, my husband, and facebook. Sure, I still spent some time with family- in person, yes, but usually on the phone. As I look back, I remember in the early months still being connected to the church. I went to small group and spent time with people on a social basis.

Somewhere along the way, even my connection to church became distant. Sure, I still go to church, I serve in the nursery ministry, but that is about it. I don't have real conversations anymore. It is mostly hi and bye. There are a few people that I feel connected to, but not in the same way. I don't have regular contact, where we are sharing intimate details of our lives. I feel disconnected in so many ways.

The same thing has happened with facebook. I used to use it as a way to supplement my social life, where now, it is my lifeline to the outside world. I rarely have conversations anymore, and when I do, I feel so boring that I let the other person dominate the conversation. All I know about people are the little snippets that they post as their status. Sometimes people post real things where you know intimate details about them, but most often, it isn't. And while I enjoy reading different things people post, I feel like I lack genuine connection. A lot of people I want to stay connected with either don't post, don't respond to my posts or messages, or are mostly silent observers. That isn't everyone. A lot of people I do want to stay connected to, do post and respond.

I think it's just as people's friend lists grow longer, the less people want to share about themselves. I guess the same is true for me. Everytime I post, I think, well, that person is going to judge me for that, this person is going to private message me and tell me their opinion about that, and so on and so forth. There are a lot of people with a lot of opinions and I think facebook is a way to sometimes share your opinions without having to look people in the eye and see the damage you are doing- intentionally or unintentionally. It can be a safe way to share information and a coward's way of sharing information (much like blogging can be). The trouble with written communication is that you can't see the person's heart, so sometimes things sound a lot harsher than you meant them too, or people take the info differently than you intended. I know things I have posted have been taken the wrong way.

I guess facebook is what you make it. It can be a great way to stay connected. There are things I share on facebook that I would have trouble sharing in real life. Then again, when you make it your only source of social connection, it can be a problem. I know for me, I get jealous when I see others making plans, having fun, and I think how much I miss doing things with people. I know I need to make a concerted effort not to make facebook so important. I need to make more of an effort of connecting in person and over the phone, because the computer cannot substitute human connection.

The Love of the Father

The other night, Matthew was up several times crying. I went in four times, although he was up more than that. This is, thankfully, not the norm. He is either getting sick or teething. Anyway, the first time I went in, he basically collapsed in my arms, hugging me tight as I rocked him back to sleep.

And as I was rocking him, I got to thinking about the parallels between parenthood and God's love for his children. Matthew was crying out to me, persistently, and I came in to comfort him. In the same way, when we cry out to God, he is there to comfort us and tend to our needs. The thing that struck me, however, was when I was holding tightly to Matthew and comforting him. My heart was swollen with love and peace as I held him and rocked him. I got to thinking: is this how God feels about me, and all of His children? Is this how God feels about us when we rest in His arms and His love? Is His love for us so overwhelming and secure and does He beam with pride over me? Does He love holding me in His arms like I love holding my babies in my arms? I love my children fiercely, but my love for them is minuscule compared to the love that God has for us.

I don't think I can even express how grateful to God I am for those thoughts, because I think it helped my relationship with Him immensely. He loves me more than I could ever love my children. I am His child and am welcome in His arms at any time. He never tires or me, He always wants me to come to Him. I am so grateful for my God who loves me and I wish everyone would experience Him in a relationship with Him.

Another Miscarriage

I found out on Wednesday that I am pregnant. It was definitely a surprise! We had not planned to get pregnant, and had been taking measures to prevent pregnancy. Well... God has bigger plans. And so I started dreaming about this new little baby, who would be due 4 days before their big brothers' second birthday. I waited for as long as I could to wake up Paul by bringing the boys up, having them wake him up, and telling them to tell Daddy that they would be big brothers.

Needless to say, we were freaked out by the sheer expense that a new baby brings. But we also got caught up in how we would share the news with our loved ones, what everyone's reactions would be, and logistics of having three children aged two and under. I, of course, started daydreaming about the sweetness of snuggling with my little newborn baby.

Due to my complications with previous pregnancies, I called the doctor immediately to get a shot of progesterone and to do bloodwork. They agreed to the bloodwork, but wanted to wait until they got the result of the bloodwork before they ordered progesterone. This frustrated me greatly because they did that when I was pregnant with the twins. But I digress. The HCG number on Wednesday was 20 and the progesterone level was 7.2, which was in the normal range. I had repeat HCG bloodwork today, and the level was 4. So basically, I am miscarrying.

The news is not as devastating as it was when I had my first miscarriage. That one changed me, nearly destroyed me. I feel a tiny bit relieved about this, and I feel so guilty for that. I am also sad because I had already had dreams for this baby, saw us with three children, figured out a lot of logistical necessities, saw the twins as big brothers, etc.

I am also sad that I can't just get pregnant and have a baby without help. I have to be on progesterone before I conceive, and that requires a lot of planning and doctor involvement. I am not planning of going on fertility medication again. That is no longer the problem. It was the problem after I was diagnosed with endometriosis. The cool thing about pregnancy is that it clears up endometriosis. There is a lot of judgement for infertile women and women who struggle to get pregnant. I'm not sure why, but there is. I feel it from people, and I just think they don't understand. Infertility is a medical problem, just like a plethora of other problems, and yet when people get treated for any number of medical problems, people don't bat an eye. But when a woman is treated for infertility, so much judgement is passed. Somehow, it becomes a spiritual issue. This hurts my feelings. I thank God for my children, and for the doctors who diagnosed my endometriosis and gave me fertility meds to help conceive my miracle babies. I am thankful that through my pregnancy, God cleared up my endometriosis. And I am thankful that the doctors diagnosed my low progesterone so that I know what to do in order to have success pregnancies. I am sad that this pregnancy was lost, and sad that I can't just conceive and be carefree about the outcome of the pregnancy. Ultimately, God is still in control. He will carry me through, and I will be ok.

Man Cave

I know I may get a lot of grief over this post from my male readers... oh wait. I may not have any male readers. Oh well.

Call me naive, but I don't understand the concept of the man cave. One of my favorite shows to watch is House Hunters, and many times one of the must haves is the "man cave." When Paul and I dream about our dream house, he always says he wants a man cave. My question is, why? Why do you get a room all to yourself? The answer is always the same: Because you have the rest of the house. It doesn't matter if it is Paul answering this question or the men on HGTV, or friends' husbands.

This explanation does not make sense to me. It is not valid in my mind. In no other part of the house do women proclaim that nobody else is allowed. Women share every other room in the house with almost everyone else in the house. The kitchen belongs to everyone- everyone goes in there as it is probably one of the most popular rooms in the house. Everyone shares the dining room, living room, bedroom, and bathroom. There is no space in the house that is just the woman's space that no other person in the family is banned from entering.

I will make an exception to this proclamation to some families. In some cases, I am sure that if the female has a hobby, she may have a space designated to that hobby and it may be understood not to disturb that area. However, I would doubt that the feel of that space is "No boys allowed." In the same mentality, I understand that if the man has a hobby, he could have a space designated to that hobby and everyone should respect that space. However, the general feel of a man cave in my mind is "No girls allowed!" Are we still children that we need to have secret clubs where girls are not welcome? It's just weird.

I do agree with the concept of alone time and time designated for spending time with friends. I think that is healthy. But I don't understand having a room devoted only to the man in the family spending time with other men doing who knows what. It honestly feels a little childish to have a room specifically for video games, pool table, and whatnot.

All of those reasons are just personal preference. It feels weird to me. The thing that concerns me about having a room where the wife is not allowed to enter is: what about accountability? What are you doing in there that you can't let your wife see? I'm sure not all, or even most, man caves are about doing secret things that your wife shouldn't know about, but how is she to know? There is a reason they call it secret sin. Things (like porn, drugs, etc) happen slowly and can take a grip on you before your mate even knows what has happened. Before you know it, you could be out of control.

I know, I know. I just got really deep, really quick. What was meant to be a funny post, poking a little fun at the man cave just became serious. But that can happen sometimes. A fun little man cave where the man goes to retreat from the stresses of life can quickly become serious trouble. All I'm saying is- what's with the secrecy? Why can't you share the space? Why men only? It's just weird.

Sharing Tales

My boys have begun sharing with each other. Before you start saying awwww, hear me out. This is the way my boys will share: Matthew will be playing with a toy and Andrew will decide he wants to play with the toy. So Andrew crawls over and watches intently, maybe with a little whine to his voice. Matthew will offer the toy to Andrew and then immediately start crying because he wants the toy back. Andrew will then offer the toy back to Matthew and as soon as Matthew takes it, Andrew will immediately start crying. Back and forth this goes, the giver crying, the receiver happy for only a moment before he offers the toy back, and then immediately crying. This goes on and on until I can't stand it anymore and take the toy away, which makes both boys cry.

Sharing is over-rated!

Feeling Blessed

Sometimes I feel like I am just a roller coaster of emotions. One moment I am even keel, content, and counting my blessing, having great quiet times with God, and feeling like all is right with the world. Then, something will happen where I soar down, become stressed out, freak out, and everything is overwhelming. And then something else will happen where I feel up on the mountaintops and counting every blessing and feeling silly for feeling so stressed.

Paul being on the brink of losing his job is definitely stressful. I am nervous about it, but not feeling despair like I was on Tuesday. The Scripture I have been quoting in my head since Paul told me about his job situation is "I know God will supply all my needs according to his glorious riches." And I have been praying that verse constantly. And then something amazing happened. Something I didn't quite expect, although I should have because God makes good on his promises. Every single financial need we have had for this month has been met- by various family members, friends, our church family, and a bonus Paul received from work.

Paul and I have wept in gratitude, relief, and praise for our God who has blessed us with such loving people in our lives. He used those people to strengthen our faith. Some of those friends have even passed on his resume in hopes that he will find a better job. I am going to keep praying for a job for Paul that will be better than his current one. I am praying specifically for better hours, better pay, and better benefits. I am not sure how all of this will pan out, but I am confident that God will bring us through. We aren't just going to sit back and relax- we will continue to work hard to find Paul a job- but I know something is better out there for him. Until then... thank you. Thank you for those who reached out in support emotionally, financially, prayerfully, and practically. You have no idea how much you mean to us!

On the Edge

Stress. Stress can do so much to your body. For some people, stress can make you lose weight and your hair thin. I wouldn't mind those side effects. For me, when I am stressed out, my body holds onto every single ounce. Part of that is because I tend to be a stress eater, but even when I don't stress eat, I still can't lose weight when I am stressed out.

This has been a particularly stressful month for me and our family. It seems like the biggest stresses in my life are the financial stresses. Everything hit us at once this month. We lost Matthew's medicaid and in the same week Matthew needed new boots and bars ($636), we needed to patch our roof ($500) and it will need total replacement soon (thousands!). On top of those, all of our quarterly bills came in this month, and our other monthly bills are higher (electric, etc.). Oh, and we needed heating oil this month ($460). We had been toying with getting a credit card for emergencies, and finally got that at the beginning of this month. It's a good thing too, because it turns out we didn't even have enough money to buy groceries this month. So gas and groceries are on the credit card (even though it is not the Dave Ramsey way, and we feel very guilty about it).

So these are the stresses that I have been dealing with this month, and to top all of that off, Paul told me he is going to lose his job soon. So I am freaking out. What are we going to do? I am at my breaking point, and am so scared. I feel so alone right now. The weight of the world is on my shoulders.

I guess it would be irresponsible of me to be in my father in law's wedding (you know, due to the clothing being $300- $500 for all of us). I really want to be in the wedding, but I know we won't be able to afford it- just getting down there will be taxing. We probably won't be able to go on our family vacation this year. Isn't this silly- that I am thinking about these things instead of, how are we going to pay our mortgage? Or how are we going to put food on the table? How are we going to pay for medical care for the boys? These questions are too hard. These are very real questions and have no answers. I don't know what to do.

Schedule

All the books say to put your kids on a schedule as soon as you can. Well, not all of them- some say to do everything on demand, especially if you are breastfeeding. The latter made the most sense in my mind, at least for the first year. So when the boys were hungry, I fed them, when they were tired, I put them down for a nap or bedtime, whichever time frame it was. The awful thing was that they hardly ever did things at the same time. Around month 4, I was able to start putting them to bed at the same time and they would wake up at the same time, so I got those feedings and sleep times in sync, but I could not get the rest of the day on a schedule, and would become frustrated whenever I tried to do so. So I would remind myself that I am doing things on demand and every once in a while, I would try to get them on the same schedule- to no avail. So all day long, I would put one down for a nap, while getting the other one up, feed play, get that one down for a nap at the same time the first one was getting up, and it would continue like that all day long, every day. They did have awake times together, but I just could never sync up their naps, and the whole day would be spent running up and down the stairs trying to get one or both asleep. (No wonder I have struggled with anxiety!)



It all came to a head about a month ago. They got so completely out of even their own schedules, and I never got a moment to myself from the moment I woke up until the moment I went to bed. Now, don't get me wrong. I love my babies and I love being with them, but that much togetherness is maddening. One baby, let's call him Andrew, would get up at 6, Matthew would get up at 7:30, and by the time I fed them, Andrew would need a nap, when he would wake up, Matthew would go down for a nap... they might have some togetherness in the awake region, but never in the sleep region, but the clincher was they started going to bed at 10-11pm, whereas their normal bedtime is between 7-8. At least during that time, I would get some downtime after they went to bed. And then they started taking that too...



So I wised up, figured out the times that I wanted them to sleep and didn't put them down for a nap until 9:30, which they both needed and wanted, and then put them both down for a nap at 2:30, which they both needed and wanted. And then bedtime between 7-8. This went marvelously for exactly a week. I started to feel cocky and couldn't believe I didn't do this before.



And then they rebelled, started boycotting their nap, although I refused to give in and didn't get them until the nap time frame was over (I figure a minimum of an hour). It all hit me why I never did get them on a schedule before this. It turns out they were getting sick, so I relaxed a little and now that they are doing better, I am back trying desperately to get them back on the schedule I set. Yesterday was awesome, but today's second nap was a disaster, or should I say, non-existent. I am frustrated and really want this to work out. These two babies are some of the most stubborn babies, and they are breaking me down. But I am determined to stick with it. I guess they get some of their stubbornness from me, and Paul is pretty stubborn too! But I digress. So that is what is happening in the Oakley household. Fun times.

Inadvertant Teachings

As a new mother, I desire to teach my children all sorts of things. I want to teach them important things, like walking, rolling over, about Jesus, good morals, respect, etc. I also want to teach my boys about silly things, like blowing kisses, tickling, and just plain having fun. Well, some things I have taught them have been interpreted differently by them. Here are some examples:

When trying to teach them how to blow kisses, I would take my hand to my mouth, kiss my hand, and dramatically fling my hand out. Then I realized they didn't know what I was doing with my hand, so I took their hands, kissed it, and flung their hands out (while holding them- please don't picture me flinging my babies!). I did that over and over again so that they would copy it. Their interpretation: they started smacking me and each other in the mouth and laughing. Oops.

Paul would often play bite them, saying he was going to eat his babies, and then playfully chomp down on their bellies, legs, backs, or where ever would get the biggest laugh. The result: we can't seem to get them to stop biting. And the biting isn't malicious- they laugh as though they are playing Daddy's game. Another oops!

Recently, and I am not sure how this started, but Matthew has begun kicking and flailing his legs while on the changing table. Not every time, but enough that he is uncontrollable. I don't know if Paul taught him this or if he just encouraged it, but Paul told me all excited that he was doing it first with him. Oh, and Matthew isn't throwing fits- he is laughing hysterically, which is really funny, but I do not laugh at him because I don't want to encourage him. Tonight, he did it after I had one boot on, and he kicked me all over my arms, and I could not get him to calm down. I had half the other boot on, and I tried connecting them with the bar to see if he would calm down, but to no avail, so I had to wait it out.

I am sure there are other examples, but those are the three that come to mind. Sometimes things don't always work out as planned and they learn things you wouldn't think they would learn from what you are trying to teach them. It is especially frustrating when you are trying to intentionally teach them something and instead, they learn something bad from it, IE: the hitting and biting, and the kicking isn't too great either. I just wish I knew how to make them unlearn those behaviors!

Reflections

I am currently reading "Choosing to SEE" by Mary Beth Chapman, and I just got to the chapter where she described in excruciating detail the anguishing day her daughter was hit by a car and died. It took me a long time to read that chapter as I was bawling and weeping with every paragraph. I hope I never have to live through that pain. She is amazingly candid about the pain she and her husband Steven Curtis Chapman have been through and feel. My heart is broken for this family who have gone through indescribable pain.

Tonight, I will not complain when I have to get up in the middle of the night with Matthew. I will probably rock him a little longer, hold him a little tighter, and pray for him and Andrew a little deeper. I will soak up all the sweet cuddling I can and hold onto these tender moments for as long as I can. For you never know...

Unexpected Blessings

I often lament to Paul or to my sister that no matter what I do, I cannot seem to get ahead. Occasionally we will come into unexpected money and I become very excited thinking about what to do with this treasure- usually my thoughts lead to paying down a high bill or putting it into savings. Lately, though, it seems like whenever Paul gets a bonus at work, or we get money unexpectedly, or unexpectedly like at Christmas, something will happen and we have to use that money to fix our van or patch the roof, or pay for some medical bill that I wasn't expecting. It frustrates me because I had other plans for the money and am annoyed that I have to spend money on unexpected things.

Today in church, however, I was given a paradigm shift. For those who don't know, a paradigm shift is when you suddenly see a situation from a different perspective and it changes everything. The sermon today was on worry, and if you have been following along, you know I needed that sermon! The passage the pastor was preaching from was Matthew 6:25-34 where it talks about God promising to take care of you, not to worry, etc. The pastor gave an example in his own life where God provided funds to pay an unknown bill.

That is when it hit me. That is what is happening in my own life. I should not be frustrated that I can't get ahead when I have to use unexpected money to pay unexpected bills. I should be praising God for giving me the funds necessary to pay these bills. Because He knew I was going to need that money for a specific purpose. He is taking care of me. I don't need to worry. Of course, I still need to be wise with my money, and we still need to work to earn a living, but I don't need to worry about every little thing. God has taken care of the details. I need to rejoice when these unexpected blessings occur!

New Year and Resolutions

I become pretty sentimental when the closing of another year is upon us. I become very nostalgic in remembering the good times, and desperately wanting to slow the passing of time. 2010 was a good year. I was able to quit my job and become a stay at home mom, with all the positives and negatives that that entails. I was able to be home with my babies during their first year of life. I learned a lot about myself, both positive and negative.

In the start of a new year, I have many hopes and dreams of becoming a better person- kinder and compassionate to all. I become very pensive the last few days of a year and deciding the resolutions I hope to attain in the new year. The following is the list I have resolved to do this year.

1. I want to be consistent in having daily devotions. I also want to start doing devotions with Paul on a regular basis- at least 5 days per week.
2. I want to become more organized. I have different calendars for different things: one for goals, like a to do list, one for menu planning, and one for a daily schedule. Every Sunday, I want to sit down, combine all of the lists into one and post it on the refrigerator to keep us on target. Also in the goal, I would like to declutter the house.
3. I want to become more financially responsible. I don't want to have to dip into savings almost every month like we do now. I would also like to pay off one of my debts. We have a notebook calendar that we are going to write down every time we spend money so that we can be more aware of where our money is going.
4. I want to lose 70 pounds. I have broken this goal down into pieces. I want to lose 20 pounds by March, when Paul's dad is getting married. I want to lose 20 more by June, when we are going on vacation. I want to lose 20 more by October, when I turn 30. And I want to lose the last 10 by Christmas, when we see all (or most) of our families. I want to eat healthy and exercise 3-5 times per week. I have bought a notebook calendar and will write down everything I eat. I have also toyed with doing the "no S diet," which is basically saying I won't eat any sweets, seconds, or snacks except in days that start with S. Maybe a combination of both. I am hoping that by losing weight I will have more energy.
5. I want to become a better wife and mother, kinder with my words and actions, and more diligent in my family's lives.
6. I want to be consistent in writing in my blog, and perhaps run ads on here in an attempt to make money.
7. I also have a personal goal that I won't write here, but I want to at least mention so that when I read this later on, it will remind me.
8. I would like to read more, perhaps a little everyday, or at least 5 days per week.

I like to write my New Year's Resolutions down so that I can revisit them often to make sure I am on track. When I did that in 2009, I met all of my goals, except the weight loss goal, but I was pregnant for most of 2009, so I forgive myself for that. I didn't write down any resolutions for 2010, and I honestly can't even remember if I made any. So I am back on track, and hopefully I will meet all my goals for 2011.

Happy New Year! May all your wishes and dreams come true!