Another Miscarriage

I found out on Wednesday that I am pregnant. It was definitely a surprise! We had not planned to get pregnant, and had been taking measures to prevent pregnancy. Well... God has bigger plans. And so I started dreaming about this new little baby, who would be due 4 days before their big brothers' second birthday. I waited for as long as I could to wake up Paul by bringing the boys up, having them wake him up, and telling them to tell Daddy that they would be big brothers.

Needless to say, we were freaked out by the sheer expense that a new baby brings. But we also got caught up in how we would share the news with our loved ones, what everyone's reactions would be, and logistics of having three children aged two and under. I, of course, started daydreaming about the sweetness of snuggling with my little newborn baby.

Due to my complications with previous pregnancies, I called the doctor immediately to get a shot of progesterone and to do bloodwork. They agreed to the bloodwork, but wanted to wait until they got the result of the bloodwork before they ordered progesterone. This frustrated me greatly because they did that when I was pregnant with the twins. But I digress. The HCG number on Wednesday was 20 and the progesterone level was 7.2, which was in the normal range. I had repeat HCG bloodwork today, and the level was 4. So basically, I am miscarrying.

The news is not as devastating as it was when I had my first miscarriage. That one changed me, nearly destroyed me. I feel a tiny bit relieved about this, and I feel so guilty for that. I am also sad because I had already had dreams for this baby, saw us with three children, figured out a lot of logistical necessities, saw the twins as big brothers, etc.

I am also sad that I can't just get pregnant and have a baby without help. I have to be on progesterone before I conceive, and that requires a lot of planning and doctor involvement. I am not planning of going on fertility medication again. That is no longer the problem. It was the problem after I was diagnosed with endometriosis. The cool thing about pregnancy is that it clears up endometriosis. There is a lot of judgement for infertile women and women who struggle to get pregnant. I'm not sure why, but there is. I feel it from people, and I just think they don't understand. Infertility is a medical problem, just like a plethora of other problems, and yet when people get treated for any number of medical problems, people don't bat an eye. But when a woman is treated for infertility, so much judgement is passed. Somehow, it becomes a spiritual issue. This hurts my feelings. I thank God for my children, and for the doctors who diagnosed my endometriosis and gave me fertility meds to help conceive my miracle babies. I am thankful that through my pregnancy, God cleared up my endometriosis. And I am thankful that the doctors diagnosed my low progesterone so that I know what to do in order to have success pregnancies. I am sad that this pregnancy was lost, and sad that I can't just conceive and be carefree about the outcome of the pregnancy. Ultimately, God is still in control. He will carry me through, and I will be ok.