Feeling Blessed

Sometimes I feel like I am just a roller coaster of emotions. One moment I am even keel, content, and counting my blessing, having great quiet times with God, and feeling like all is right with the world. Then, something will happen where I soar down, become stressed out, freak out, and everything is overwhelming. And then something else will happen where I feel up on the mountaintops and counting every blessing and feeling silly for feeling so stressed.

Paul being on the brink of losing his job is definitely stressful. I am nervous about it, but not feeling despair like I was on Tuesday. The Scripture I have been quoting in my head since Paul told me about his job situation is "I know God will supply all my needs according to his glorious riches." And I have been praying that verse constantly. And then something amazing happened. Something I didn't quite expect, although I should have because God makes good on his promises. Every single financial need we have had for this month has been met- by various family members, friends, our church family, and a bonus Paul received from work.

Paul and I have wept in gratitude, relief, and praise for our God who has blessed us with such loving people in our lives. He used those people to strengthen our faith. Some of those friends have even passed on his resume in hopes that he will find a better job. I am going to keep praying for a job for Paul that will be better than his current one. I am praying specifically for better hours, better pay, and better benefits. I am not sure how all of this will pan out, but I am confident that God will bring us through. We aren't just going to sit back and relax- we will continue to work hard to find Paul a job- but I know something is better out there for him. Until then... thank you. Thank you for those who reached out in support emotionally, financially, prayerfully, and practically. You have no idea how much you mean to us!

On the Edge

Stress. Stress can do so much to your body. For some people, stress can make you lose weight and your hair thin. I wouldn't mind those side effects. For me, when I am stressed out, my body holds onto every single ounce. Part of that is because I tend to be a stress eater, but even when I don't stress eat, I still can't lose weight when I am stressed out.

This has been a particularly stressful month for me and our family. It seems like the biggest stresses in my life are the financial stresses. Everything hit us at once this month. We lost Matthew's medicaid and in the same week Matthew needed new boots and bars ($636), we needed to patch our roof ($500) and it will need total replacement soon (thousands!). On top of those, all of our quarterly bills came in this month, and our other monthly bills are higher (electric, etc.). Oh, and we needed heating oil this month ($460). We had been toying with getting a credit card for emergencies, and finally got that at the beginning of this month. It's a good thing too, because it turns out we didn't even have enough money to buy groceries this month. So gas and groceries are on the credit card (even though it is not the Dave Ramsey way, and we feel very guilty about it).

So these are the stresses that I have been dealing with this month, and to top all of that off, Paul told me he is going to lose his job soon. So I am freaking out. What are we going to do? I am at my breaking point, and am so scared. I feel so alone right now. The weight of the world is on my shoulders.

I guess it would be irresponsible of me to be in my father in law's wedding (you know, due to the clothing being $300- $500 for all of us). I really want to be in the wedding, but I know we won't be able to afford it- just getting down there will be taxing. We probably won't be able to go on our family vacation this year. Isn't this silly- that I am thinking about these things instead of, how are we going to pay our mortgage? Or how are we going to put food on the table? How are we going to pay for medical care for the boys? These questions are too hard. These are very real questions and have no answers. I don't know what to do.

Schedule

All the books say to put your kids on a schedule as soon as you can. Well, not all of them- some say to do everything on demand, especially if you are breastfeeding. The latter made the most sense in my mind, at least for the first year. So when the boys were hungry, I fed them, when they were tired, I put them down for a nap or bedtime, whichever time frame it was. The awful thing was that they hardly ever did things at the same time. Around month 4, I was able to start putting them to bed at the same time and they would wake up at the same time, so I got those feedings and sleep times in sync, but I could not get the rest of the day on a schedule, and would become frustrated whenever I tried to do so. So I would remind myself that I am doing things on demand and every once in a while, I would try to get them on the same schedule- to no avail. So all day long, I would put one down for a nap, while getting the other one up, feed play, get that one down for a nap at the same time the first one was getting up, and it would continue like that all day long, every day. They did have awake times together, but I just could never sync up their naps, and the whole day would be spent running up and down the stairs trying to get one or both asleep. (No wonder I have struggled with anxiety!)



It all came to a head about a month ago. They got so completely out of even their own schedules, and I never got a moment to myself from the moment I woke up until the moment I went to bed. Now, don't get me wrong. I love my babies and I love being with them, but that much togetherness is maddening. One baby, let's call him Andrew, would get up at 6, Matthew would get up at 7:30, and by the time I fed them, Andrew would need a nap, when he would wake up, Matthew would go down for a nap... they might have some togetherness in the awake region, but never in the sleep region, but the clincher was they started going to bed at 10-11pm, whereas their normal bedtime is between 7-8. At least during that time, I would get some downtime after they went to bed. And then they started taking that too...



So I wised up, figured out the times that I wanted them to sleep and didn't put them down for a nap until 9:30, which they both needed and wanted, and then put them both down for a nap at 2:30, which they both needed and wanted. And then bedtime between 7-8. This went marvelously for exactly a week. I started to feel cocky and couldn't believe I didn't do this before.



And then they rebelled, started boycotting their nap, although I refused to give in and didn't get them until the nap time frame was over (I figure a minimum of an hour). It all hit me why I never did get them on a schedule before this. It turns out they were getting sick, so I relaxed a little and now that they are doing better, I am back trying desperately to get them back on the schedule I set. Yesterday was awesome, but today's second nap was a disaster, or should I say, non-existent. I am frustrated and really want this to work out. These two babies are some of the most stubborn babies, and they are breaking me down. But I am determined to stick with it. I guess they get some of their stubbornness from me, and Paul is pretty stubborn too! But I digress. So that is what is happening in the Oakley household. Fun times.

Inadvertant Teachings

As a new mother, I desire to teach my children all sorts of things. I want to teach them important things, like walking, rolling over, about Jesus, good morals, respect, etc. I also want to teach my boys about silly things, like blowing kisses, tickling, and just plain having fun. Well, some things I have taught them have been interpreted differently by them. Here are some examples:

When trying to teach them how to blow kisses, I would take my hand to my mouth, kiss my hand, and dramatically fling my hand out. Then I realized they didn't know what I was doing with my hand, so I took their hands, kissed it, and flung their hands out (while holding them- please don't picture me flinging my babies!). I did that over and over again so that they would copy it. Their interpretation: they started smacking me and each other in the mouth and laughing. Oops.

Paul would often play bite them, saying he was going to eat his babies, and then playfully chomp down on their bellies, legs, backs, or where ever would get the biggest laugh. The result: we can't seem to get them to stop biting. And the biting isn't malicious- they laugh as though they are playing Daddy's game. Another oops!

Recently, and I am not sure how this started, but Matthew has begun kicking and flailing his legs while on the changing table. Not every time, but enough that he is uncontrollable. I don't know if Paul taught him this or if he just encouraged it, but Paul told me all excited that he was doing it first with him. Oh, and Matthew isn't throwing fits- he is laughing hysterically, which is really funny, but I do not laugh at him because I don't want to encourage him. Tonight, he did it after I had one boot on, and he kicked me all over my arms, and I could not get him to calm down. I had half the other boot on, and I tried connecting them with the bar to see if he would calm down, but to no avail, so I had to wait it out.

I am sure there are other examples, but those are the three that come to mind. Sometimes things don't always work out as planned and they learn things you wouldn't think they would learn from what you are trying to teach them. It is especially frustrating when you are trying to intentionally teach them something and instead, they learn something bad from it, IE: the hitting and biting, and the kicking isn't too great either. I just wish I knew how to make them unlearn those behaviors!

Reflections

I am currently reading "Choosing to SEE" by Mary Beth Chapman, and I just got to the chapter where she described in excruciating detail the anguishing day her daughter was hit by a car and died. It took me a long time to read that chapter as I was bawling and weeping with every paragraph. I hope I never have to live through that pain. She is amazingly candid about the pain she and her husband Steven Curtis Chapman have been through and feel. My heart is broken for this family who have gone through indescribable pain.

Tonight, I will not complain when I have to get up in the middle of the night with Matthew. I will probably rock him a little longer, hold him a little tighter, and pray for him and Andrew a little deeper. I will soak up all the sweet cuddling I can and hold onto these tender moments for as long as I can. For you never know...

Unexpected Blessings

I often lament to Paul or to my sister that no matter what I do, I cannot seem to get ahead. Occasionally we will come into unexpected money and I become very excited thinking about what to do with this treasure- usually my thoughts lead to paying down a high bill or putting it into savings. Lately, though, it seems like whenever Paul gets a bonus at work, or we get money unexpectedly, or unexpectedly like at Christmas, something will happen and we have to use that money to fix our van or patch the roof, or pay for some medical bill that I wasn't expecting. It frustrates me because I had other plans for the money and am annoyed that I have to spend money on unexpected things.

Today in church, however, I was given a paradigm shift. For those who don't know, a paradigm shift is when you suddenly see a situation from a different perspective and it changes everything. The sermon today was on worry, and if you have been following along, you know I needed that sermon! The passage the pastor was preaching from was Matthew 6:25-34 where it talks about God promising to take care of you, not to worry, etc. The pastor gave an example in his own life where God provided funds to pay an unknown bill.

That is when it hit me. That is what is happening in my own life. I should not be frustrated that I can't get ahead when I have to use unexpected money to pay unexpected bills. I should be praising God for giving me the funds necessary to pay these bills. Because He knew I was going to need that money for a specific purpose. He is taking care of me. I don't need to worry. Of course, I still need to be wise with my money, and we still need to work to earn a living, but I don't need to worry about every little thing. God has taken care of the details. I need to rejoice when these unexpected blessings occur!

New Year and Resolutions

I become pretty sentimental when the closing of another year is upon us. I become very nostalgic in remembering the good times, and desperately wanting to slow the passing of time. 2010 was a good year. I was able to quit my job and become a stay at home mom, with all the positives and negatives that that entails. I was able to be home with my babies during their first year of life. I learned a lot about myself, both positive and negative.

In the start of a new year, I have many hopes and dreams of becoming a better person- kinder and compassionate to all. I become very pensive the last few days of a year and deciding the resolutions I hope to attain in the new year. The following is the list I have resolved to do this year.

1. I want to be consistent in having daily devotions. I also want to start doing devotions with Paul on a regular basis- at least 5 days per week.
2. I want to become more organized. I have different calendars for different things: one for goals, like a to do list, one for menu planning, and one for a daily schedule. Every Sunday, I want to sit down, combine all of the lists into one and post it on the refrigerator to keep us on target. Also in the goal, I would like to declutter the house.
3. I want to become more financially responsible. I don't want to have to dip into savings almost every month like we do now. I would also like to pay off one of my debts. We have a notebook calendar that we are going to write down every time we spend money so that we can be more aware of where our money is going.
4. I want to lose 70 pounds. I have broken this goal down into pieces. I want to lose 20 pounds by March, when Paul's dad is getting married. I want to lose 20 more by June, when we are going on vacation. I want to lose 20 more by October, when I turn 30. And I want to lose the last 10 by Christmas, when we see all (or most) of our families. I want to eat healthy and exercise 3-5 times per week. I have bought a notebook calendar and will write down everything I eat. I have also toyed with doing the "no S diet," which is basically saying I won't eat any sweets, seconds, or snacks except in days that start with S. Maybe a combination of both. I am hoping that by losing weight I will have more energy.
5. I want to become a better wife and mother, kinder with my words and actions, and more diligent in my family's lives.
6. I want to be consistent in writing in my blog, and perhaps run ads on here in an attempt to make money.
7. I also have a personal goal that I won't write here, but I want to at least mention so that when I read this later on, it will remind me.
8. I would like to read more, perhaps a little everyday, or at least 5 days per week.

I like to write my New Year's Resolutions down so that I can revisit them often to make sure I am on track. When I did that in 2009, I met all of my goals, except the weight loss goal, but I was pregnant for most of 2009, so I forgive myself for that. I didn't write down any resolutions for 2010, and I honestly can't even remember if I made any. So I am back on track, and hopefully I will meet all my goals for 2011.

Happy New Year! May all your wishes and dreams come true!