Phone Phobia

I hate talking on the phone. More specifically, I hate calling anyone on the phone. I'm not sure what it is, but when I reach for the phone to call someone, I get this overwhelming sense of panic and fear. I never have anything interesting to say. And I feel like if you are calling someone, that person is the conversation initiator, thus topic picker. And I have no topics. Other than, you should see how much Matthew has pooped today. But who wants to talk about that?

I literally rehearse what I am going to say before I call people, and imagine the different scenarios of the conversation. Sad, I know. I usually don't even muster up the courage to call the person. Mostly because I can't get past the "How are you" in my scenario.

I don't even like calling the pizza man, and that is an easy thing to do: "Large cheese for pick up. Last name Oakley." But I always make Paul call. Come to think of it, I make Paul call pretty much anywhere. It is so weird, but my brain freezes up and I can't think of anything to say-witty banter or otherwise.

It's different when someone calls me. I am more relaxed, as I don't have time to over think it. Plus, I don't have to lead the conversation. I am a better follower than a leader. And Rachel (my sister), I am fine calling you, but we are best friends, and somehow it is different.

Part of the difficulty, I think, is because I can't see people's reactions to what I am saying. I play off of people. You can't see smiling or an eye roll on the phone. So I am never sure if I am annoying someone or hurting their feelings, or interrupting them. A long silence in person is much different than a long silence on the phone.

I can't tell you how many times I have said I was going to call someone, and then chicken out. And then I am so embarrassed, that I don't even try anymore. At times, I even isolate because of how embarrassed I am. Friendships have been strained due to this ridiculous fear.

I am trying to remember when this started, and I can't. I remember when I was 7, and went to call my mom at her friend's house after watching a scary movie (Cone heads... I know, not scary, but I was 7, and it was scary to see all those heads in a cone shape). I was fully prepared for her friend to answer the phone, but her son did. I got all flustered and instead of asking for my mom, I asked for Beberly (her name was Beverly, ha ha), and when her son asked who it was, I froze. I didn't know what to say. I know, I know. MY name, but I just couldn't.

Oh well. I guess my point is, please don't be offended if I don't call you. It doesn't mean I don't like you or that I am avoiding you. I just have issues with the phone.