Anxiety Part II

First of all, let me clear something up from my last post. When I was complaining about people giving me advice, I was not referring to anyone in particular... I was just overwhelmed by all of the advice all at once, and am ridiculously hard on myself. I hope I didn't make anyone feel paranoid, because that was not my intention.

My original intention with this post was to describe how much better my anxiety has been. Once the boys hit about 11 months old, it seemed that they mellowed out a lot and, even when they were/are fussy, it doesn't affect me in quite the same way. Sometimes I still feel like I am not going to make it through the day, but that is not every day, all day.

However, once I put it out there that my anxiety is so much better and how great I feel, it seemed like our finances completely fell apart. It turns out we need to patch the roof ($800), and will soon need to replace the roof, all of our bills hit at once, and the worst thing is that the boys lost their medicaid. I know I am going to be judged big time for admitting that the boys have medicaid as their secondary insurance, but there it is. After spending $7000 on Matthew's clubfeet alone in a 6 month time span, we pursued medicaid, and was approved, and that lifted a huge weight off my shoulders (and yes, I say "my" because Paul says I worry enough for the both of us, so he doesn't worry).

And now that Matthew is due for another set of boots and bars, he of course lost his medicaid. Of course! I am not sure why, and we are under appeal. But this whole thing has me so stressed out, and I am not sure how we are going to make it. There is just so much to worry about.

We are so blessed that I have been able to stay home with the boys for the past year, and I really hope I will be able to continue. I have been racking my brain about things I can do from home- things like babysitting (even for people who work 3rd shift), trying to monetize on this blog, although that is stressing me out because I don't understand the computer language, and looking at other options on the internet, but there are just so many scams.

I would love to end this post saying that I am fine, the anxiety is not getting to me. But the truth is, it is in high gear. I am having trouble sleeping at night due to thinking about this (oh wait, that may be my sick babies, haha), but while I am up with my sick babies I think about this. I dream about it. I'm working on it. I just hope something pans out.