I found out on Wednesday that I am pregnant. It was definitely a surprise! We had not planned to get pregnant, and had been taking measures to prevent pregnancy. Well... God has bigger plans. And so I started dreaming about this new little baby, who would be due 4 days before their big brothers' second birthday. I waited for as long as I could to wake up Paul by bringing the boys up, having them wake him up, and telling them to tell Daddy that they would be big brothers.
Needless to say, we were freaked out by the sheer expense that a new baby brings. But we also got caught up in how we would share the news with our loved ones, what everyone's reactions would be, and logistics of having three children aged two and under. I, of course, started daydreaming about the sweetness of snuggling with my little newborn baby.
Due to my complications with previous pregnancies, I called the doctor immediately to get a shot of progesterone and to do bloodwork. They agreed to the bloodwork, but wanted to wait until they got the result of the bloodwork before they ordered progesterone. This frustrated me greatly because they did that when I was pregnant with the twins. But I digress. The HCG number on Wednesday was 20 and the progesterone level was 7.2, which was in the normal range. I had repeat HCG bloodwork today, and the level was 4. So basically, I am miscarrying.
The news is not as devastating as it was when I had my first miscarriage. That one changed me, nearly destroyed me. I feel a tiny bit relieved about this, and I feel so guilty for that. I am also sad because I had already had dreams for this baby, saw us with three children, figured out a lot of logistical necessities, saw the twins as big brothers, etc.
I am also sad that I can't just get pregnant and have a baby without help. I have to be on progesterone before I conceive, and that requires a lot of planning and doctor involvement. I am not planning of going on fertility medication again. That is no longer the problem. It was the problem after I was diagnosed with endometriosis. The cool thing about pregnancy is that it clears up endometriosis. There is a lot of judgement for infertile women and women who struggle to get pregnant. I'm not sure why, but there is. I feel it from people, and I just think they don't understand. Infertility is a medical problem, just like a plethora of other problems, and yet when people get treated for any number of medical problems, people don't bat an eye. But when a woman is treated for infertility, so much judgement is passed. Somehow, it becomes a spiritual issue. This hurts my feelings. I thank God for my children, and for the doctors who diagnosed my endometriosis and gave me fertility meds to help conceive my miracle babies. I am thankful that through my pregnancy, God cleared up my endometriosis. And I am thankful that the doctors diagnosed my low progesterone so that I know what to do in order to have success pregnancies. I am sad that this pregnancy was lost, and sad that I can't just conceive and be carefree about the outcome of the pregnancy. Ultimately, God is still in control. He will carry me through, and I will be ok.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Man Cave
I know I may get a lot of grief over this post from my male readers... oh wait. I may not have any male readers. Oh well.
Call me naive, but I don't understand the concept of the man cave. One of my favorite shows to watch is House Hunters, and many times one of the must haves is the "man cave." When Paul and I dream about our dream house, he always says he wants a man cave. My question is, why? Why do you get a room all to yourself? The answer is always the same: Because you have the rest of the house. It doesn't matter if it is Paul answering this question or the men on HGTV, or friends' husbands.
This explanation does not make sense to me. It is not valid in my mind. In no other part of the house do women proclaim that nobody else is allowed. Women share every other room in the house with almost everyone else in the house. The kitchen belongs to everyone- everyone goes in there as it is probably one of the most popular rooms in the house. Everyone shares the dining room, living room, bedroom, and bathroom. There is no space in the house that is just the woman's space that no other person in the family is banned from entering.
I will make an exception to this proclamation to some families. In some cases, I am sure that if the female has a hobby, she may have a space designated to that hobby and it may be understood not to disturb that area. However, I would doubt that the feel of that space is "No boys allowed." In the same mentality, I understand that if the man has a hobby, he could have a space designated to that hobby and everyone should respect that space. However, the general feel of a man cave in my mind is "No girls allowed!" Are we still children that we need to have secret clubs where girls are not welcome? It's just weird.
I do agree with the concept of alone time and time designated for spending time with friends. I think that is healthy. But I don't understand having a room devoted only to the man in the family spending time with other men doing who knows what. It honestly feels a little childish to have a room specifically for video games, pool table, and whatnot.
All of those reasons are just personal preference. It feels weird to me. The thing that concerns me about having a room where the wife is not allowed to enter is: what about accountability? What are you doing in there that you can't let your wife see? I'm sure not all, or even most, man caves are about doing secret things that your wife shouldn't know about, but how is she to know? There is a reason they call it secret sin. Things (like porn, drugs, etc) happen slowly and can take a grip on you before your mate even knows what has happened. Before you know it, you could be out of control.
I know, I know. I just got really deep, really quick. What was meant to be a funny post, poking a little fun at the man cave just became serious. But that can happen sometimes. A fun little man cave where the man goes to retreat from the stresses of life can quickly become serious trouble. All I'm saying is- what's with the secrecy? Why can't you share the space? Why men only? It's just weird.
Call me naive, but I don't understand the concept of the man cave. One of my favorite shows to watch is House Hunters, and many times one of the must haves is the "man cave." When Paul and I dream about our dream house, he always says he wants a man cave. My question is, why? Why do you get a room all to yourself? The answer is always the same: Because you have the rest of the house. It doesn't matter if it is Paul answering this question or the men on HGTV, or friends' husbands.
This explanation does not make sense to me. It is not valid in my mind. In no other part of the house do women proclaim that nobody else is allowed. Women share every other room in the house with almost everyone else in the house. The kitchen belongs to everyone- everyone goes in there as it is probably one of the most popular rooms in the house. Everyone shares the dining room, living room, bedroom, and bathroom. There is no space in the house that is just the woman's space that no other person in the family is banned from entering.
I will make an exception to this proclamation to some families. In some cases, I am sure that if the female has a hobby, she may have a space designated to that hobby and it may be understood not to disturb that area. However, I would doubt that the feel of that space is "No boys allowed." In the same mentality, I understand that if the man has a hobby, he could have a space designated to that hobby and everyone should respect that space. However, the general feel of a man cave in my mind is "No girls allowed!" Are we still children that we need to have secret clubs where girls are not welcome? It's just weird.
I do agree with the concept of alone time and time designated for spending time with friends. I think that is healthy. But I don't understand having a room devoted only to the man in the family spending time with other men doing who knows what. It honestly feels a little childish to have a room specifically for video games, pool table, and whatnot.
All of those reasons are just personal preference. It feels weird to me. The thing that concerns me about having a room where the wife is not allowed to enter is: what about accountability? What are you doing in there that you can't let your wife see? I'm sure not all, or even most, man caves are about doing secret things that your wife shouldn't know about, but how is she to know? There is a reason they call it secret sin. Things (like porn, drugs, etc) happen slowly and can take a grip on you before your mate even knows what has happened. Before you know it, you could be out of control.
I know, I know. I just got really deep, really quick. What was meant to be a funny post, poking a little fun at the man cave just became serious. But that can happen sometimes. A fun little man cave where the man goes to retreat from the stresses of life can quickly become serious trouble. All I'm saying is- what's with the secrecy? Why can't you share the space? Why men only? It's just weird.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Sharing Tales
My boys have begun sharing with each other. Before you start saying awwww, hear me out. This is the way my boys will share: Matthew will be playing with a toy and Andrew will decide he wants to play with the toy. So Andrew crawls over and watches intently, maybe with a little whine to his voice. Matthew will offer the toy to Andrew and then immediately start crying because he wants the toy back. Andrew will then offer the toy back to Matthew and as soon as Matthew takes it, Andrew will immediately start crying. Back and forth this goes, the giver crying, the receiver happy for only a moment before he offers the toy back, and then immediately crying. This goes on and on until I can't stand it anymore and take the toy away, which makes both boys cry.
Sharing is over-rated!
Sharing is over-rated!
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Feeling Blessed
Sometimes I feel like I am just a roller coaster of emotions. One moment I am even keel, content, and counting my blessing, having great quiet times with God, and feeling like all is right with the world. Then, something will happen where I soar down, become stressed out, freak out, and everything is overwhelming. And then something else will happen where I feel up on the mountaintops and counting every blessing and feeling silly for feeling so stressed.
Paul being on the brink of losing his job is definitely stressful. I am nervous about it, but not feeling despair like I was on Tuesday. The Scripture I have been quoting in my head since Paul told me about his job situation is "I know God will supply all my needs according to his glorious riches." And I have been praying that verse constantly. And then something amazing happened. Something I didn't quite expect, although I should have because God makes good on his promises. Every single financial need we have had for this month has been met- by various family members, friends, our church family, and a bonus Paul received from work.
Paul and I have wept in gratitude, relief, and praise for our God who has blessed us with such loving people in our lives. He used those people to strengthen our faith. Some of those friends have even passed on his resume in hopes that he will find a better job. I am going to keep praying for a job for Paul that will be better than his current one. I am praying specifically for better hours, better pay, and better benefits. I am not sure how all of this will pan out, but I am confident that God will bring us through. We aren't just going to sit back and relax- we will continue to work hard to find Paul a job- but I know something is better out there for him. Until then... thank you. Thank you for those who reached out in support emotionally, financially, prayerfully, and practically. You have no idea how much you mean to us!
Paul being on the brink of losing his job is definitely stressful. I am nervous about it, but not feeling despair like I was on Tuesday. The Scripture I have been quoting in my head since Paul told me about his job situation is "I know God will supply all my needs according to his glorious riches." And I have been praying that verse constantly. And then something amazing happened. Something I didn't quite expect, although I should have because God makes good on his promises. Every single financial need we have had for this month has been met- by various family members, friends, our church family, and a bonus Paul received from work.
Paul and I have wept in gratitude, relief, and praise for our God who has blessed us with such loving people in our lives. He used those people to strengthen our faith. Some of those friends have even passed on his resume in hopes that he will find a better job. I am going to keep praying for a job for Paul that will be better than his current one. I am praying specifically for better hours, better pay, and better benefits. I am not sure how all of this will pan out, but I am confident that God will bring us through. We aren't just going to sit back and relax- we will continue to work hard to find Paul a job- but I know something is better out there for him. Until then... thank you. Thank you for those who reached out in support emotionally, financially, prayerfully, and practically. You have no idea how much you mean to us!
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
On the Edge
Stress. Stress can do so much to your body. For some people, stress can make you lose weight and your hair thin. I wouldn't mind those side effects. For me, when I am stressed out, my body holds onto every single ounce. Part of that is because I tend to be a stress eater, but even when I don't stress eat, I still can't lose weight when I am stressed out.
This has been a particularly stressful month for me and our family. It seems like the biggest stresses in my life are the financial stresses. Everything hit us at once this month. We lost Matthew's medicaid and in the same week Matthew needed new boots and bars ($636), we needed to patch our roof ($500) and it will need total replacement soon (thousands!). On top of those, all of our quarterly bills came in this month, and our other monthly bills are higher (electric, etc.). Oh, and we needed heating oil this month ($460). We had been toying with getting a credit card for emergencies, and finally got that at the beginning of this month. It's a good thing too, because it turns out we didn't even have enough money to buy groceries this month. So gas and groceries are on the credit card (even though it is not the Dave Ramsey way, and we feel very guilty about it).
So these are the stresses that I have been dealing with this month, and to top all of that off, Paul told me he is going to lose his job soon. So I am freaking out. What are we going to do? I am at my breaking point, and am so scared. I feel so alone right now. The weight of the world is on my shoulders.
I guess it would be irresponsible of me to be in my father in law's wedding (you know, due to the clothing being $300- $500 for all of us). I really want to be in the wedding, but I know we won't be able to afford it- just getting down there will be taxing. We probably won't be able to go on our family vacation this year. Isn't this silly- that I am thinking about these things instead of, how are we going to pay our mortgage? Or how are we going to put food on the table? How are we going to pay for medical care for the boys? These questions are too hard. These are very real questions and have no answers. I don't know what to do.
This has been a particularly stressful month for me and our family. It seems like the biggest stresses in my life are the financial stresses. Everything hit us at once this month. We lost Matthew's medicaid and in the same week Matthew needed new boots and bars ($636), we needed to patch our roof ($500) and it will need total replacement soon (thousands!). On top of those, all of our quarterly bills came in this month, and our other monthly bills are higher (electric, etc.). Oh, and we needed heating oil this month ($460). We had been toying with getting a credit card for emergencies, and finally got that at the beginning of this month. It's a good thing too, because it turns out we didn't even have enough money to buy groceries this month. So gas and groceries are on the credit card (even though it is not the Dave Ramsey way, and we feel very guilty about it).
So these are the stresses that I have been dealing with this month, and to top all of that off, Paul told me he is going to lose his job soon. So I am freaking out. What are we going to do? I am at my breaking point, and am so scared. I feel so alone right now. The weight of the world is on my shoulders.
I guess it would be irresponsible of me to be in my father in law's wedding (you know, due to the clothing being $300- $500 for all of us). I really want to be in the wedding, but I know we won't be able to afford it- just getting down there will be taxing. We probably won't be able to go on our family vacation this year. Isn't this silly- that I am thinking about these things instead of, how are we going to pay our mortgage? Or how are we going to put food on the table? How are we going to pay for medical care for the boys? These questions are too hard. These are very real questions and have no answers. I don't know what to do.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Schedule
All the books say to put your kids on a schedule as soon as you can. Well, not all of them- some say to do everything on demand, especially if you are breastfeeding. The latter made the most sense in my mind, at least for the first year. So when the boys were hungry, I fed them, when they were tired, I put them down for a nap or bedtime, whichever time frame it was. The awful thing was that they hardly ever did things at the same time. Around month 4, I was able to start putting them to bed at the same time and they would wake up at the same time, so I got those feedings and sleep times in sync, but I could not get the rest of the day on a schedule, and would become frustrated whenever I tried to do so. So I would remind myself that I am doing things on demand and every once in a while, I would try to get them on the same schedule- to no avail. So all day long, I would put one down for a nap, while getting the other one up, feed play, get that one down for a nap at the same time the first one was getting up, and it would continue like that all day long, every day. They did have awake times together, but I just could never sync up their naps, and the whole day would be spent running up and down the stairs trying to get one or both asleep. (No wonder I have struggled with anxiety!)
It all came to a head about a month ago. They got so completely out of even their own schedules, and I never got a moment to myself from the moment I woke up until the moment I went to bed. Now, don't get me wrong. I love my babies and I love being with them, but that much togetherness is maddening. One baby, let's call him Andrew, would get up at 6, Matthew would get up at 7:30, and by the time I fed them, Andrew would need a nap, when he would wake up, Matthew would go down for a nap... they might have some togetherness in the awake region, but never in the sleep region, but the clincher was they started going to bed at 10-11pm, whereas their normal bedtime is between 7-8. At least during that time, I would get some downtime after they went to bed. And then they started taking that too...
So I wised up, figured out the times that I wanted them to sleep and didn't put them down for a nap until 9:30, which they both needed and wanted, and then put them both down for a nap at 2:30, which they both needed and wanted. And then bedtime between 7-8. This went marvelously for exactly a week. I started to feel cocky and couldn't believe I didn't do this before.
And then they rebelled, started boycotting their nap, although I refused to give in and didn't get them until the nap time frame was over (I figure a minimum of an hour). It all hit me why I never did get them on a schedule before this. It turns out they were getting sick, so I relaxed a little and now that they are doing better, I am back trying desperately to get them back on the schedule I set. Yesterday was awesome, but today's second nap was a disaster, or should I say, non-existent. I am frustrated and really want this to work out. These two babies are some of the most stubborn babies, and they are breaking me down. But I am determined to stick with it. I guess they get some of their stubbornness from me, and Paul is pretty stubborn too! But I digress. So that is what is happening in the Oakley household. Fun times.
It all came to a head about a month ago. They got so completely out of even their own schedules, and I never got a moment to myself from the moment I woke up until the moment I went to bed. Now, don't get me wrong. I love my babies and I love being with them, but that much togetherness is maddening. One baby, let's call him Andrew, would get up at 6, Matthew would get up at 7:30, and by the time I fed them, Andrew would need a nap, when he would wake up, Matthew would go down for a nap... they might have some togetherness in the awake region, but never in the sleep region, but the clincher was they started going to bed at 10-11pm, whereas their normal bedtime is between 7-8. At least during that time, I would get some downtime after they went to bed. And then they started taking that too...
So I wised up, figured out the times that I wanted them to sleep and didn't put them down for a nap until 9:30, which they both needed and wanted, and then put them both down for a nap at 2:30, which they both needed and wanted. And then bedtime between 7-8. This went marvelously for exactly a week. I started to feel cocky and couldn't believe I didn't do this before.
And then they rebelled, started boycotting their nap, although I refused to give in and didn't get them until the nap time frame was over (I figure a minimum of an hour). It all hit me why I never did get them on a schedule before this. It turns out they were getting sick, so I relaxed a little and now that they are doing better, I am back trying desperately to get them back on the schedule I set. Yesterday was awesome, but today's second nap was a disaster, or should I say, non-existent. I am frustrated and really want this to work out. These two babies are some of the most stubborn babies, and they are breaking me down. But I am determined to stick with it. I guess they get some of their stubbornness from me, and Paul is pretty stubborn too! But I digress. So that is what is happening in the Oakley household. Fun times.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Inadvertant Teachings
As a new mother, I desire to teach my children all sorts of things. I want to teach them important things, like walking, rolling over, about Jesus, good morals, respect, etc. I also want to teach my boys about silly things, like blowing kisses, tickling, and just plain having fun. Well, some things I have taught them have been interpreted differently by them. Here are some examples:
When trying to teach them how to blow kisses, I would take my hand to my mouth, kiss my hand, and dramatically fling my hand out. Then I realized they didn't know what I was doing with my hand, so I took their hands, kissed it, and flung their hands out (while holding them- please don't picture me flinging my babies!). I did that over and over again so that they would copy it. Their interpretation: they started smacking me and each other in the mouth and laughing. Oops.
Paul would often play bite them, saying he was going to eat his babies, and then playfully chomp down on their bellies, legs, backs, or where ever would get the biggest laugh. The result: we can't seem to get them to stop biting. And the biting isn't malicious- they laugh as though they are playing Daddy's game. Another oops!
Recently, and I am not sure how this started, but Matthew has begun kicking and flailing his legs while on the changing table. Not every time, but enough that he is uncontrollable. I don't know if Paul taught him this or if he just encouraged it, but Paul told me all excited that he was doing it first with him. Oh, and Matthew isn't throwing fits- he is laughing hysterically, which is really funny, but I do not laugh at him because I don't want to encourage him. Tonight, he did it after I had one boot on, and he kicked me all over my arms, and I could not get him to calm down. I had half the other boot on, and I tried connecting them with the bar to see if he would calm down, but to no avail, so I had to wait it out.
I am sure there are other examples, but those are the three that come to mind. Sometimes things don't always work out as planned and they learn things you wouldn't think they would learn from what you are trying to teach them. It is especially frustrating when you are trying to intentionally teach them something and instead, they learn something bad from it, IE: the hitting and biting, and the kicking isn't too great either. I just wish I knew how to make them unlearn those behaviors!
When trying to teach them how to blow kisses, I would take my hand to my mouth, kiss my hand, and dramatically fling my hand out. Then I realized they didn't know what I was doing with my hand, so I took their hands, kissed it, and flung their hands out (while holding them- please don't picture me flinging my babies!). I did that over and over again so that they would copy it. Their interpretation: they started smacking me and each other in the mouth and laughing. Oops.
Paul would often play bite them, saying he was going to eat his babies, and then playfully chomp down on their bellies, legs, backs, or where ever would get the biggest laugh. The result: we can't seem to get them to stop biting. And the biting isn't malicious- they laugh as though they are playing Daddy's game. Another oops!
Recently, and I am not sure how this started, but Matthew has begun kicking and flailing his legs while on the changing table. Not every time, but enough that he is uncontrollable. I don't know if Paul taught him this or if he just encouraged it, but Paul told me all excited that he was doing it first with him. Oh, and Matthew isn't throwing fits- he is laughing hysterically, which is really funny, but I do not laugh at him because I don't want to encourage him. Tonight, he did it after I had one boot on, and he kicked me all over my arms, and I could not get him to calm down. I had half the other boot on, and I tried connecting them with the bar to see if he would calm down, but to no avail, so I had to wait it out.
I am sure there are other examples, but those are the three that come to mind. Sometimes things don't always work out as planned and they learn things you wouldn't think they would learn from what you are trying to teach them. It is especially frustrating when you are trying to intentionally teach them something and instead, they learn something bad from it, IE: the hitting and biting, and the kicking isn't too great either. I just wish I knew how to make them unlearn those behaviors!
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