Birthday reflections

Today is the last day that I am going to be 28. I always get a little sad when my birthday rolls around- another year older, goals that haven't been accomplished, etc. This week has been like past years, reflecting on the year and my successes and failures.

In many ways, this has been the best year of my life. Paul and I own our own home (although that technically happened when I was 27), I gave birth to my two precious babies, became a stay at home mom, and have been able to stay home to raise my babies, something I didn't think I would be able to do. It has been wonderful in many ways.

It has also been a very hard year. I never realized how hard taking care of babies day in and day out would be. I have babysat for a long time and always loved it, but that was when I could give the babies back. I am glad I can't give my babies back, but I feel like I never get a break. It is constant throughout the day, as they rarely nap at the same time, and constant throughout the night, as they still don't sleep through the night. I am more tired than I ever thought possible, and this has brought some depression in my life because of it. Sometimes I feel hopeless that I will never feel rested, will always have to get up with them. I feel very alone most of the time. I also feel guilty for feeling these things.

I feel guilty because I have these two wonderful babies and I am so blessed! I have wanted children for so long and tried so hard for so long. I had a hard pregnancy, but it was worth it in the end. And now I have the privilege of raising these two boys, and it is hard that I have negative emotions about any of this. I feel like I have lost my identity, many friendships, and my energy.

But despite these negative emotions, I am still happier than I have ever been and am so glad that my life is going the way it is. This has been a good year. I hope my 29th year is better than this year. Maybe with a little more sleep!