A few mornings ago, after the boys woke up, I put Andrew in Matthew's crib so that I could change Andrew's sheets. I was expecting them both to cry, but instead, they loved it! They were giggling and laughing and playing with each other. It was so cute! Every morning since then, if I pick Andrew up first, he tries to nose dive into Matthew's crib to hang out. It is adorable how excited he gets to be in there.
It kind of reminds me of their early months when they shared what is now Matthew's crib. They would snuggle together and sleep wrapped up in each other. Even if I put them on opposite sides of the crib, I would hear them in the monitor grunting and being restless. When I would check on them, they would inevitably be smooshed into one another, sometimes sucking on each others' hands. Sometimes I miss those days.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Friday, December 10, 2010
Anxiety part I
I guess I realized in high school that I was struggling with anxiety. I got a bad grade on a test and had my first anxiety attack- full blown couldn't breathe, chest pains, thought I was having a heart attack. I went to the doctor and they couldn't find anything wrong with me- probably anxiety, they said. Well, it got worse in college to the point where I was having them almost every day. Anxiety attacks always happened in big crowds, and well, it's hard to stay away from crowds in college.
It got significantly better when I got married. Social situations were still a bit stressful- I would agree to get together with someone, and then about an hour before, regret it and stress out about what we would do, talk about, if I would say something stupid (which, I inevitably do... I have chronic foot in mouth disease!). To be honest, I still get anxious before a social situation, but I am almost always glad I made myself be social afterwards, because I really do love spending time with friends and family. I just get stressed out beforehand, which is frustrating! It's better if I just don't think about it.
I don't think I realized how anxious I was until I became a mother. I had a pretty difficult pregnancy, but I remember being pretty relaxed throughout my pregnancy. Except when people would badger me with questions- then I would get a little stressed. But for the most part, I wasn't too anxious. And then the boys were born and my anxiety hit full blown. Andrew going to the NICU for 8 days and Matthew having club feet and having to go through such intense treatment that made him scream hysterically and then whimper and cry all day and night made it worse. Oh, and the fact that I was getting 2 hours of sleep a day for the first 6 weeks. And breastfeeding wasn't going well. And I was lonely and taking care of two infants essentially by myself with little help. (Paul worked from 4pm-1 or 2am, would come home, shower and stuff, take the boys for 2 hours so I could sleep, and then sleep until about an hour before he left for work, and would hold the boys for a few minutes so I could shower and eat). During this time, the boys got used to me and only me, and pretty much wouldn't go to anyone else, including Paul. When I went back to work for a month, I would call home to hear that they had been screaming all day, Andrew refused to eat, and Paul was stressed. That was a big reason why we decided I would be a stay-at-home mom. I wanted to be a SAHM, though, so I didn't mind too much.
I wasn't too anxious when I was with the boys, but the moment I left them with someone else or put them to bed, it felt like I couldn't breathe. Andrew was very colicky and particular. I didn't make it through a church service until they were 10 or 11 months old, because Andrew would scream hysterically. So I would sit in church, staring at the number box (call system they have for parents), and wait for my number to show up, which it did, every Sunday. The first week they made it through, I was sure the thing was broken. One other time, I was amazed at how well they were doing, and then had a nursery worker come get me because it really was broken. Even leaving them with Paul so I could go to the grocery store left me in such an anxious state. I needed the time away, because you need breaks as a mother! But I knew that leaving meant that they would scream and cry, often the whole time I was gone, and I could not stop worrying, no matter what I did. I would pray, breathe deeply, think about something else... but nothing I did worked.
Nighttime was terrible. Because Matthew was still getting up throughout the night, I would go to bed with such a sense of anxiety because I knew he would start crying and I could not relax enough to go to sleep. I would lay there with such anxiety until he would cry and I would nurse him and then I could usually go to sleep. And the advice on it all was the worst. I would tell someone (or everyone) and it was, "have you tried this, have you tried this, you should do this, you should do that," and I know that people were just trying to help, but it made me so anxious and thinking that they didn't think I was a good mom because my baby wasn't sleeping through the night, or that I was doing something wrong. The thing was, I usually had tried their advice, but it didn't work and I felt like a failure. I have had some perspective, and I know now that they were just trying to help. But I stopped talking about it unless asked, but that just made it worse.
As I look back on it now, I think I had a serious case of postpartum depression. And I think it manifested mostly in my anxiety, although I would get angry at people for no reason at all. I was bitter that I didn't get to have a natural or even vaginal childbirth. OK, that still bothers me, but I am working to get past it. I was jealous of other people who it seemed to come so easily for. Sometimes I would even get angry that I had twins, because they are so difficult and singletons looked so easy. Even hard singletons looked easy because you could at least devote your attention to that baby instead of having to split it up and take care of two difficult babies, by myself. Shame on me, I know. I would even get angry that nobody helped me, which is ridiculous because they are my babies and my responsibility. Even in writing this, I know it's not even true, because people did help me, mainly my sister, and of course, Paul, and a lot of people brought us food- but when you are depressed, your depression lies to you, and that's what happened.
Since the boys have started eating crackers and snacks, around 10 or 11 months old, my anxiety has become a lot less. I now tell any nursery workers or babysitters (oh wait, that's my sister), if they get fussy, hand them a cracker. And they don't cry incessantly anymore. Andrew does sometimes, but it's not constantly, and I can leave him without him crying at all the entire time I am gone. And now that they are on table food, my anxiety has lessened even more. I don't feel the need to rush to get Matthew at night anymore. I will wait to see if he will stop crying, sometimes he does and sometimes he doesn't. I am confident that he will eventually stop, and am OK right now for getting up 1-3 times a night with him. Sometimes it is only one time a night! That is very encouraging for this heart!
It got significantly better when I got married. Social situations were still a bit stressful- I would agree to get together with someone, and then about an hour before, regret it and stress out about what we would do, talk about, if I would say something stupid (which, I inevitably do... I have chronic foot in mouth disease!). To be honest, I still get anxious before a social situation, but I am almost always glad I made myself be social afterwards, because I really do love spending time with friends and family. I just get stressed out beforehand, which is frustrating! It's better if I just don't think about it.
I don't think I realized how anxious I was until I became a mother. I had a pretty difficult pregnancy, but I remember being pretty relaxed throughout my pregnancy. Except when people would badger me with questions- then I would get a little stressed. But for the most part, I wasn't too anxious. And then the boys were born and my anxiety hit full blown. Andrew going to the NICU for 8 days and Matthew having club feet and having to go through such intense treatment that made him scream hysterically and then whimper and cry all day and night made it worse. Oh, and the fact that I was getting 2 hours of sleep a day for the first 6 weeks. And breastfeeding wasn't going well. And I was lonely and taking care of two infants essentially by myself with little help. (Paul worked from 4pm-1 or 2am, would come home, shower and stuff, take the boys for 2 hours so I could sleep, and then sleep until about an hour before he left for work, and would hold the boys for a few minutes so I could shower and eat). During this time, the boys got used to me and only me, and pretty much wouldn't go to anyone else, including Paul. When I went back to work for a month, I would call home to hear that they had been screaming all day, Andrew refused to eat, and Paul was stressed. That was a big reason why we decided I would be a stay-at-home mom. I wanted to be a SAHM, though, so I didn't mind too much.
I wasn't too anxious when I was with the boys, but the moment I left them with someone else or put them to bed, it felt like I couldn't breathe. Andrew was very colicky and particular. I didn't make it through a church service until they were 10 or 11 months old, because Andrew would scream hysterically. So I would sit in church, staring at the number box (call system they have for parents), and wait for my number to show up, which it did, every Sunday. The first week they made it through, I was sure the thing was broken. One other time, I was amazed at how well they were doing, and then had a nursery worker come get me because it really was broken. Even leaving them with Paul so I could go to the grocery store left me in such an anxious state. I needed the time away, because you need breaks as a mother! But I knew that leaving meant that they would scream and cry, often the whole time I was gone, and I could not stop worrying, no matter what I did. I would pray, breathe deeply, think about something else... but nothing I did worked.
Nighttime was terrible. Because Matthew was still getting up throughout the night, I would go to bed with such a sense of anxiety because I knew he would start crying and I could not relax enough to go to sleep. I would lay there with such anxiety until he would cry and I would nurse him and then I could usually go to sleep. And the advice on it all was the worst. I would tell someone (or everyone) and it was, "have you tried this, have you tried this, you should do this, you should do that," and I know that people were just trying to help, but it made me so anxious and thinking that they didn't think I was a good mom because my baby wasn't sleeping through the night, or that I was doing something wrong. The thing was, I usually had tried their advice, but it didn't work and I felt like a failure. I have had some perspective, and I know now that they were just trying to help. But I stopped talking about it unless asked, but that just made it worse.
As I look back on it now, I think I had a serious case of postpartum depression. And I think it manifested mostly in my anxiety, although I would get angry at people for no reason at all. I was bitter that I didn't get to have a natural or even vaginal childbirth. OK, that still bothers me, but I am working to get past it. I was jealous of other people who it seemed to come so easily for. Sometimes I would even get angry that I had twins, because they are so difficult and singletons looked so easy. Even hard singletons looked easy because you could at least devote your attention to that baby instead of having to split it up and take care of two difficult babies, by myself. Shame on me, I know. I would even get angry that nobody helped me, which is ridiculous because they are my babies and my responsibility. Even in writing this, I know it's not even true, because people did help me, mainly my sister, and of course, Paul, and a lot of people brought us food- but when you are depressed, your depression lies to you, and that's what happened.
Since the boys have started eating crackers and snacks, around 10 or 11 months old, my anxiety has become a lot less. I now tell any nursery workers or babysitters (oh wait, that's my sister), if they get fussy, hand them a cracker. And they don't cry incessantly anymore. Andrew does sometimes, but it's not constantly, and I can leave him without him crying at all the entire time I am gone. And now that they are on table food, my anxiety has lessened even more. I don't feel the need to rush to get Matthew at night anymore. I will wait to see if he will stop crying, sometimes he does and sometimes he doesn't. I am confident that he will eventually stop, and am OK right now for getting up 1-3 times a night with him. Sometimes it is only one time a night! That is very encouraging for this heart!
Taco Bake
This is a recipe I came up with one day when I felt like tacos, but didn't feel like the traditional kind.
Ingredients:
1 can re fried beans
1 can black beans
1 can kidney beans
1 can tomatoes- drained (optional ingredient)
1/2 bag frozen corn
1 cup shredded cheese (or Colby jack)
1/2 pound ground meat (I chose beef), browned, drained and cooked with taco seasoning.
In a 10*13 baking pan, spread re fried beans on bottom. In large mixing bowl, mix the rest of the ingredients and pour over re fried beans. Bake at 350 for 30-45 minutes. I served mine over chips, but you can eat plain, in a tortilla shell, or with rice. All options are yummy!
Chicken, mashed potatoes, veggies
This is a pretty simple meal to make. I buy boneless, skinless chicken breast, marinate them in Italian dressing, and then put them on the George Foreman grill for 9 minutes. If they are big breasts, make sure you cut them in half to ensure they cooked the whole way through.
For the mashed potatoes, I tend to make them in large quantities, because I love leftovers, and the boys love mashed potatoes. So, cut into pieces the desired amount of potatoes you want, put in big pot, cover with water, and boil until the pieces are soft. Then drain the water, add milk and butter (or sour cream and chicken broth if you are watching your calories), mash it, then whip it with hand mixer. I usually peel the potatoes, but this time I didn't, and it was pretty tasty and a lot less work!
For the veggie: I used corn this time, but I usually do broccoli and cauliflower with a tiny cheese sprinkled on top. I boil it in water for 5 minutes and ta da- healthy and tasty meal! I forgot to take pictures of it, sorry.
For the mashed potatoes, I tend to make them in large quantities, because I love leftovers, and the boys love mashed potatoes. So, cut into pieces the desired amount of potatoes you want, put in big pot, cover with water, and boil until the pieces are soft. Then drain the water, add milk and butter (or sour cream and chicken broth if you are watching your calories), mash it, then whip it with hand mixer. I usually peel the potatoes, but this time I didn't, and it was pretty tasty and a lot less work!
For the veggie: I used corn this time, but I usually do broccoli and cauliflower with a tiny cheese sprinkled on top. I boil it in water for 5 minutes and ta da- healthy and tasty meal! I forgot to take pictures of it, sorry.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Pizza Joe Cresent
I have had some requests for recipes from the meals I have made, so I have decided to do a daily, or semi daily recipe of the day. I made pancakes last night, but didn't think people needed a recipe to make those, since you can buy ready made pancake mix and just add water.
Tonight I made Pizza Joe Crescents. They are not my recipe, but Pillsbury, so I do not take credit. But this is how I made it:
Tonight I made Pizza Joe Crescents. They are not my recipe, but Pillsbury, so I do not take credit. But this is how I made it:
1/2 pound ground meat (I used beef), browned and drained.
a handful of turkey pepperoni cut into fours
a cup of pasta sauce
3/4 cup mozzarella cheese
1 pkg crescent rolls
Mix all except rolls into medium bowl, then separate the crescent rolls and put the mixture into the rolls and roll them out. Bake at 375 degrees for 18-20 minutes. Enjoy!
When I asked Paul what he thought of them, he answered, "Not bad," which is his way of torturing me by really liking it, but not wanting to sound impressed. The twins also gobbled them up. And I had more than I meant to. So, all in all, a success.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Nightly tales
Matthew is still not sleeping through the night. He still wakes up an average of 3 times per night. I have tried nearly everything. I have tried the cry it out method for a week and let him cry for 2 hours before I couldn't take it anymore. I have tried going in and walking him around, but not nursing him. Nothing has worked- he is stubborn, more stubborn than I am. I have tried reducing the time I spend in his room. Finally, I have come to accept this as part of my life. Sometimes I get depressed about it, but usually I am OK and just realize that this won't happen forever. Maybe when he is weaned he will stop getting up in the middle of the night. I don't know. But I am better when I accept my reality, no matter how difficult it may be.
About 6 weeks ago, Matthew went through a phase ( and later learned 4 teeth were coming through) where he would not sleep in his own crib. He insisted on me holding him, and sleeping with me, and that was both awful and wonderful all at the same time. In fact, that is how I view him waking up throughout the night- awful and wonderful. Awful because it interrupts my sleep, and wonderful because those are the most tender and sweet moments I have with him. I can't even describe the wonderfulness of how he feels sleeping on my shoulder after he is done nursing. I can't wait until he is sleeping through the night, but at the same time, I will miss the nighttime closeness.
Andrew is typically a great sleeper and sleeps an average of 11 hours a night (unless he is teething or sick). One night when I was nursing Matthew, Andrew sat up in his crib, facing the door. He didn't make a peep, but just sat watching the door. I was hoping he wouldn't turn around and see me, because if he did, he would insist on being nursed too, and he takes 20 minutes, whereas Matthew is around 5 minutes. So I sat rocking Matthew, watching Andrew, and hoping he would go back to sleep, when all of the sudden Andrew started snoring and fell over, which did not wake him up. Oh, how that made me laugh- inwardly, of course!
About 6 weeks ago, Matthew went through a phase ( and later learned 4 teeth were coming through) where he would not sleep in his own crib. He insisted on me holding him, and sleeping with me, and that was both awful and wonderful all at the same time. In fact, that is how I view him waking up throughout the night- awful and wonderful. Awful because it interrupts my sleep, and wonderful because those are the most tender and sweet moments I have with him. I can't even describe the wonderfulness of how he feels sleeping on my shoulder after he is done nursing. I can't wait until he is sleeping through the night, but at the same time, I will miss the nighttime closeness.
Andrew is typically a great sleeper and sleeps an average of 11 hours a night (unless he is teething or sick). One night when I was nursing Matthew, Andrew sat up in his crib, facing the door. He didn't make a peep, but just sat watching the door. I was hoping he wouldn't turn around and see me, because if he did, he would insist on being nursed too, and he takes 20 minutes, whereas Matthew is around 5 minutes. So I sat rocking Matthew, watching Andrew, and hoping he would go back to sleep, when all of the sudden Andrew started snoring and fell over, which did not wake him up. Oh, how that made me laugh- inwardly, of course!
December meal plan
I just realized that the last time I have updated my blog was during my last monthly meal planning. I am going to try and do so much better from this day forth! Anyway, here is my December meal plan- sorry that we are 4 days into the month.
1. Leftovers (taco bake and beef stew)
2. Mexican casserole
3. Hamburgers and homemade fries (both regular and sweet potato)
4. Cabbage Delight (*note* if something doesn't have a name, the main ingredient + the word delight becomes the name)- cabbage, beef, and mashed potatoes mixed together
5. Leftovers
6. Pancakes
7. Pizza Joe Crescents
8. Chicken, mashed potatoes, veggies
9. Chicken soup in crock pot
10. lasagna
11. Taco bake
12. Leftovers
13. Homemade pizza
14. Mexican chicken with salsa
15. minestrone soup
16. Tuna mac salad
17. chili
18. baked potatoes topped with chili
19. leftovers
20. Shepherd's pie
21. Grilled cheese and tomato soup
22. pizza
23. Chicken & veggies mixed with pasta
24. Chicken potpie
25. Turkey dinner
26. leftovers
27. tortellini
28. Grilled chicken fajita pasta
29. shrimp scampi
30. Grilled salsa chicken
31. spicy tuna melt
Last month worked out so well, with only a couple days not being made, that I am determined to keep it up. It helped us save money at the grocery store, as well as break up the monotony. I keep my calendar handy and add recipes that look interesting to the next month. Please feel free to add your own recipes so that we continue to have variety and new ideas!
1. Leftovers (taco bake and beef stew)
2. Mexican casserole
3. Hamburgers and homemade fries (both regular and sweet potato)
4. Cabbage Delight (*note* if something doesn't have a name, the main ingredient + the word delight becomes the name)- cabbage, beef, and mashed potatoes mixed together
5. Leftovers
6. Pancakes
7. Pizza Joe Crescents
8. Chicken, mashed potatoes, veggies
9. Chicken soup in crock pot
10. lasagna
11. Taco bake
12. Leftovers
13. Homemade pizza
14. Mexican chicken with salsa
15. minestrone soup
16. Tuna mac salad
17. chili
18. baked potatoes topped with chili
19. leftovers
20. Shepherd's pie
21. Grilled cheese and tomato soup
22. pizza
23. Chicken & veggies mixed with pasta
24. Chicken potpie
25. Turkey dinner
26. leftovers
27. tortellini
28. Grilled chicken fajita pasta
29. shrimp scampi
30. Grilled salsa chicken
31. spicy tuna melt
Last month worked out so well, with only a couple days not being made, that I am determined to keep it up. It helped us save money at the grocery store, as well as break up the monotony. I keep my calendar handy and add recipes that look interesting to the next month. Please feel free to add your own recipes so that we continue to have variety and new ideas!
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